Mocking the Draft. Literally.

by Saintsational on Apr 19, 2008 1:33 AM CDT in News Comment 0 comments

Well...I did it. I quit my job. I stayed up nights.
I looked at all the stats. I crunched all the numbers. I took into account college stats, senior bowl stats, combine stats. I judged player personalities. I incorporated team needs in 2008. This is the most complete and comprehensive mock of all time. What has emerged is the ultimate mock draft. The mock draft to end all mock drafts. So spot on that Mel Kiper will be rendered insignificant. And so here it is. I give to you, the mock draft...

Pick	Team	Position	Player	Analysis
1	Miami Dolphins	OT	Jake Long	They actually wanted Chris Long but a mysterious clerical error sticks them with "the other" Long.
2	St. Louis Rams	DE	Chris Long	The Rams can't believe their luck. Scott Linehan was seen near Miami's table with a bottle of white-out and a pen.
3	Atlanta Falcons	QB	Joe Flacco	They couldn't get Shane Falco from The Replacements so they go with Joe Flacco. They obviously need a QB and his name is kinda like Falcon. The other good sign: when asked whether he has any pets Flacco claims he is a "cat-person."
4	Oakland Raiders	DT	Sedrick Ellis	The Raiders don't subscribe to the "less is more" policy and add another DT this off-season. None of them will work out.
5	New Orleans (trade with KC)	P	Waylon Prather	After trading up with KC to assure getting a solid DT, a case of mistaken identity allows Sean Payton's friend and country star Kenny Chesney-who nixed his usual cowboy hat for a Saints visor-to make the pick himself. Nobody knew the difference. Payton appealed but it was too late.
6	New York Jets	CB	Leodis McKelvin	Fearing the Patriots-who have the following pick-are videotaping them they make their pick from an undisclosed location.
7	New England	Unknown	Unknown	In typical Belichick fashion he refuses to tell anyone who they pick. When asked for a comment from the anonymous player, it was obvious Belichick had already gotten to him before it was released: "I'm just thinking about today. That's the only thing I can do. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here." What the hell goes on in that locker room? It's cult-ish.
8	Baltimore Ravens	OT	Ryan Clady	In case McNair thinks about a comeback ala Brett Favre, the Ravens will need protection for him. One more sack and McNair will shatter into dust and blow away into the wind.
9	Cincinnati Bengals	CB	Aqib Talib	With his prior record of failed drug tests for marijuana the Bengals think he has what it takes to be successful on this team. On top of getting his official draft day jersey and hat he gets an official jump suit in Bengal Orange.
10	Kansas City Chiefs (trade with NO)	DT	Glenn Dorsey	Thanks to Kenny Chesney the Chiefs wind up getting Dorsey anyway-a steal at the tenth spot.
11	Buffalo Bills	RB	Jonathan Stewart	Marshawn Lynch is expected to have a great season after a great rookie year. The Bills know they aren't that lucky and decide to get insurance.
12	Denver Broncos	QB	Chad Henne	If Jay Cutler isn't the next Elway then maybe Henne is. They won't stop till they find him.
13	Carolina Panthers	WR	Malcolm Kelly	Steve Smith gets something new to complain about.
14	Chicago Bears	QB	Brian Brohm	A little competition to try and push Rex Grossman to play better. Unfortunately he is who we think he is. Awful.
15	Detroit Lions	OT	Chris Williams	The Lions take their chance on another first round pick named Williams.
16	Arizona Cardinals	CB	Mike Jenkins	Doesn't matter. These guys make the Saint's look good every year.
17	Minnesota Vikings	RB	Rashard Mendenhall	The Vikings need to start molding a young new running back. Adrian Peterson's knees wont last 2 more years.
18	Houston Texans	DE	Vernon Goulhston	Houston thinks Goulhston is the best player in the draft and the perfect bookend for Mario Williams. Keeping with tradition they sign him before the draft even starts.
19	Philadelphia Eagles	WR	DeSean Jackson	Jackson is upset not getting drafted to a team with a white quarterback. McNabb is infuriated.
20	Tampa Bay Buccaneers	QB	Matt Ryan	Jeff Garcia won't be around much longer and Ryan's awesomely high wonderlic test score ensures he will understand Grudin's ridiculously complicated play calls. Seriously-you ever listen to him?
21	Washington Redskins	S	Kenny Phillips	The Redskins honor Sean Taylor by drafting another safety from Miami.
22	Dallas Cowboys	RB	Darren McFadden	No way does Jerry Jones pass up picking a fellow razorback as highly regarded as McFadden. Following the draft Jones will legally adopt McFadden. How did McFadden fall this low? Hey, this is fake!
23	Pittsburgh Steelers	S	Reggie Smith	If the NFL passes the new long hair policy Polamalu vows to protest by not playing. A replacement will be needed.
24	Tennessee Titans	DE	Calais Campbell	Matt Miller of New Era Scouting said this was an awful pick for Tennessee so I left it in from SB Nation's Mock Draft.
25	Seattle Seahawks	K	Shane Longest	I know this sounds like a crazy pick but the Seahawks just signed K Olindo Mare...so if they don't want to see their season ruined they will make this pick. Plus his name is perfect.
26	Jacksonville Jaguars	DT	Trevor Laws	To impress his new coach Trevor Laws says he will wear a suit under his uniform every game. Goodell tells him he can only do it for two games.
27	San Diego Chargers	OT	Jeff Otah	Like a certain Superbowl winning quarterback before him, Otah demands a trade and refuses to play for San Diego quoting "It means 'A Whale's Vagina'."
28	Dallas Cowboys	RB	Felix Jones	Jerry just can't get enough Razorback running backs. McFadden gets a new brother.
29	San Francisco 49ers	LB	Keith Rivers	After a disappointing season from Patrick Willis the Niner's look to replace him.
30	Green Bay Packers	QB	Brett Favre	Ha! They wish. In a related story-the Green Bay fans-who also own the team-voted and passed a resolution to donate an undisclosed amount of team funds to a human cloning project.
31	New York Giants	TE	Dustin Keller	The Giants are already anticipating losing Shockey.