Now, now Saints fans and fanatics alike, I have, like a lot of you, been bored out of my mind just waiting for training camps to start. And I really don’t hate Jeremy Shockey. I like his abilities and what he can offer. With that said, here’s a satirical look into a day in the life of Jeremy Shockey. And as usual, I appreciate comments.
8:30 Woke up to "Circus" by Britney Spears. Brushed my teeth, took a shower, and slicked back my hair. My hair is so damn luscious.
9:15 Got a call from Coach Payton. He wanted to talk to me about my apparent lack of production. Pfft. Lack of production? He can’t have been looking at this year’s marvelous 500 yard campaign. Nevertheless, I decide to go anyway. Maybe I can set things straight.
9:30 Just to annoy coach I decided to go a little late. So now I jump into my sweet ride, wearing a muscle shirt so that all can revel in the glory of my tattoos.
9:55 Coach looked a bit mad at me. Uh-oh. He yelled at me for being late and stressed the importance of punctuality. All this time I just looked into empty space. I told coach that it was an honest mistake and that I had actually been working out for three hours. He seemed to like that. Hey look! I spotted my man drew Brees in the distance, but then I saw that he was practicing with Billy Miller, not me. I was infuriated.
10:15 Drew and I decided to work out our differences like mature men. While I don’t to delve into the details of our "chat," I can tell you that it involved a "WTF!" and a "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!" plus a "DON’T MAKE ME RIP YOUR HAIR OFF!" at which point I had settled. My hair was too precious to be manhandled. And did I mention the tearing up of the grass? No? Okay.
10:50 I decided to make a deal with Drew. I told him that I would be a good pass-catching, defense-mauling, awesome-tattoo-wearing tight end from now on. Maybe I should have left the last part off because next thing I knew he was unzipping his bag and giving me a book about "How to Catch Touchdowns." Like I didn’t know that already. But then I realized that I had zero touchdowns last year with Brees as my Quarterback, so I felt the slightest twinge of regret and kept the book against my will. I said something about stupid doctors misdiagnosing me.
11:40 To get over my troubles, I decided to rent a jet to Las Vegas. Then I decided against it for my own safety. I thought back to my last "incident" in Vegas. I definitely did not want to get dehydrated again.
12:45 I was having a bad day so I fired my agent. Again. I would look for a new one later.
1:20 I took some alone time in the Jacuzzi. Without beer this time. Or hard rock.
1:55 Oh my god. I looked at the time. I forgot there was organized practice at 3:00. Stupid doctors. So I quickly got out, slicked my hair back again, and changed. Always got to keep that hair looking brilliant.
4:00 Practice went better than usual today. Drew had calmed down (which was a relief to me), Coach was looking happy, and Billy Miller had to forego this practice for some other stupid event. Yay me! I even caught five passes and a touchdown. "Good for you, Jeremy," I though, looking at the mirror.
5:00 Yawn. I was so tired. Yet I turned on the TV to watch some random episode of House that I had recorded. But that was about doctors, and that meant I was reminded of stupid doctors misdiagnosing me. Wow. I decided to call it a day.
7:30 I finished eating and climbed onto my massive bed. I set my alarm to play "Can’t Touch This" and then I dozed off.