(Scene begins: Payton is instructing his team in the tape room as Brees, Bush,Thomas, Shockey, Vilma, Shanle, and Evans are in the room listening.)
Payton: So when you see the LB pull left like this, he is about to blitz so you need to recognize that Drew and make sure you point it out to the line.
Brees: Got it.
Payton: Of course instead of blocking it, I'm sure they will just hold him until the ref flags 'em.
Evans: Come on coach, I stopped with the false starts. Can't you give me credit for that?
Payton: You are right! You stopped committing 5 yard penalties and started committed 10 yard penalties. Congratulations, have a fu---- trophy. I know you won't drop it since you will be holding that trophy like it's your mother.
(room is filled with laughter, Evans blushes and begins reciting poetry to calm himself)
Payton: Now, Drew after you have recognized where the blitz is coming from, you either need to audible out and throw it to a receiver or audible into a screen to get them for their overagression. Or better yet, screw it, I will just call a screen every play and you audible out if you think it won't work.
Brees: But coach, that was the game plan for the Cincinnati game...it almost killed us.
Payton: That's absurd, screens are awesome and ALWAYS work, just like Shanle. Right Shanle?
Shanle: Coach, why are my eyes hurting?
Payton:.....I don't know, maybe you should try rogaine to put on that mirror on your head so it will stop blinding you. And why are you here? Didn't I cut you three years ago?
Shanle: Gibbs said I could stay.
Payton: But he's not here anymore, So I say you are gone.
Shanle: PAPA GREGG!!!
(Gregg Williams busts through the door)
Williams: WHAT IS WRONG WITH SHANLE!?!?!?
Payton: I'm cutting him, why? You got a problem with that?
Williams: HELL YEAH I GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!! I GOT MORE OF A PROBLEM WITH THAT THAN A SISSY COVER 3 ZONE WITH NO BLITZING!!
Payton: Well then why?
Williams: (whispering) because he has...pictures.
Payton: Of what?
Williams: Don't make me tell you Sean.
Payton: Tell me or he's gone.
(Williams leans in close to tell Payton what the pictures are of)
Payton: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Seriously Gregg?
Payton: Shanle! Good news, you get to stay.
Shanle: Awesome coach, but why does my head hurt?
Payton: That's called a thought, it's quite healthy. Now I would like to move on to their offense while Gregg is in the room. We'll come back to defense later. Now, Bradford is a great rookie QB, so Vilma our Defense is going to be riding on your shoulders to lead this D to get stops.
Vilma: You can count on me coach.
Payton: I know I can, so Gregg are there any plays you want them to know?
Williams: DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO BLITZ?
Williams: GOOD, THEN I'M ALL DONE.
(Williams leaves the room
to go watch dirty movies about blitzing to plan for the game)
Payton: Back to the offense. Now Reggie, when you go in, I want you to do your magic.
Bush: My magic?
Payton: Yeah your magic.
Bush: You mean my speed and ability to make a big play?
Payton: What the f*** is that? No, I'm talking about you being a match up nightmare! My decoy! My secret weapon!!
Bush: But I can do other stuff like run the ball and catch a pass.
(A laughter is heard far away from a man going by the name of coldpizza)
Payton: Don't raise your voice to me or I will do to you what I did to Hartley.
Bush: What are you talking about? Hartley is fine, he's been practicing with the special teams.
Payton: Uhh yeah you are right, my bad.
(Scene change: Hartley is riding on a horse with a man through the Appalachian Mountains)
Hartley: Thanks for helping me from those cannibals. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up.
Jack: Don't mention it. So where are you headed?
Hartley: New Orleans, My job is down there.
Jack: Well it's gonna take us awhile to get there, so maybe we should pitch a tent for the night and settle down.
Hartley: Out here? In the middle of the woods?
Jack: Don't worry I will protect you.
Hartley:...Was that a pass at me?
Jack: No, I'm just telling you that I've got your back.
Hartley: Umm ok.
Jack: Unless...you want it to be...
Hartley:...I'm a bit uncomfortable.
Jack: Thats's what he said...later
(Sorry for the bad photoshop, I suck)
(Scene Revert: Tape Room)
Payton: Getting back on track here, Pierre will be back this week so I want to make sure he gets some extra tape in so he doesn't have a game like the last guy who came back rusty. (eyes Bush)
(Bush averts eyes)
Thomas: Well thanks for the worry coach, but I have been doing some studying at home and even working double on my strength to make sure I'm ready come Sunday.
Payton: That's good, I'm glad you feel like that. Doing that will make you look good when I trade you in the offseason.
Payton: Now, let's go over everything one more time to make sure we got it down.
Thomas: (Sniffs) Coach do you smell that?
Payton: I had some beans last night, I can't hold it in all day.
Thomas: No not that, I smell Juicy fruit. (pulls juicy fruit out of pocket)
Payton: (snaps to attention, and begins to growl)
Thomas: Who wants Juciy fruit?
(Payton gives off a happy bark)
Thomas: (throws the pack of gum) GO GET IT COACH!
(Payton chases the gum out of the tape room and runs into Greg McMahon)
McMahon: What are you boys doing still studying? I let my boys have the week off.
Brees: No offense coach, but special teams almost killed us last week.
McMahon: (blank stare)
Brees: So, what do you have to say?
McMahon: Brees keeps a stuffed bear in his locker.
(room stares at Brees)
Brees: Oh cmon, a guy gets lonely sometimes.
(room keeps staring until Brees begins to get extremely uncomfortable)
Brees: Bush has a tat of Juicy fruit on his thigh.
(room now stares at Bush)
Bush: I hate you.
Shanle: Hey Usama told me that women are edible, is that true?
Vilma: (facepalm) I swear, you could write a book about what goes on during the week. I think when I retire I will, maybe call it "The Superbowl Hangover".