In a surprise move that's sure to rattle Who Dat Nation to its very core, Gregg Williams announced today that he is leaving the Saints to head coach the UFL's newest franchise - the Birmingham Ballbreakers. Said Williams, "When they told me the name of this new team, I had to accept the offer. Players have used this term to describe me and my intense coaching style many, many times in the past. This new club will fit me like a glove."
This addition brings the UFL's number of teams to six and enables them to create two equal divisions of three teams. The winner of each division will square off against each other in their annual championship game for the William Hambrecht Trophy.
So, why would Coach Williams want to leave the NFL? He says it's because of the UFL's extremely lax labor rules:
"Apparently, they've found a big loophole in the sports labor laws that allows coaches to really get after their players. I mean really kick these guys in the ass when you're training them. We're talking third-world Turkmenistan here. HOOYAH! I now finally get to live out a dream I've long had of incorporating a pneumatic nail gun into my team drills. Nothing teaches a defensive player how to get around the corner and pressure the quarterback like an ass full of roof tacks. I could never do this while in the NFL because of their stupid rules. These UFL guys don't make enough money for them to be able to protest, so this is gonna be fun. I know this UFL is struggling right now and I'm no f***ing savior, but I really think we can single-handedly get this league some national exposure. Nothing draws the fans in like senseless carnage.
Sean Payton and Mickey Loomis haven't yet issued a statement on this shocking move, so it's anyone's guess who will take Williams' place as defensive coordinator. It looks like they'll also have an additional roster spot to fill. Almost immediately after Williams' announcement, safety Pierson Prioleau announced that he would be leaving the NFL to once again follow Gregg Williams to a new team. In most of Prioleau's NFL history, wherever Williams goes, he goes. After playing on the fiery coach's defenses in Buffalo, Washington, Jacksonville, and New Orleans, he says he'll have little problem transitioning to this newest environment:
"I don't expect this move to be a problem at all. I'm used to how Gregg approaches the game and I know his playbook inside and out. He's great at what he does and I really appreciate a coach who is so passionate about his craft. The training he has in store for us will be a little harsh at times, but it'll really pay off when we totally destroy those other five UFL teams and win that trophy. They won't know what hit 'em. We'll be throwin' down like Jim Kelly (the martial artist and film star) on a block of ice. No contest, man. No contest.
In even more stunning news, the other five UFL teams, after hearing of this new sixth team, have already conceded the 2011 UFL season. The William Hambrecht Trophy is reportedly already being shipped via Fed Ex Express to Gregg Williams' last known place of residence.
Don't be alarmed, Saints fans. This is pure fiction and my pathetic attempt at satire. There's really nothing else to write about today, so I decided to make something up. Gregg Williams is still the defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints and an all around warm and generous human being with the utmost respect for international labor laws.