Since I'm sure we've all had our fill of reading about who the Saints SHOULD take in this year's NFL Draft, I thought it might be fun to throw together one horrifically bad mock. Five stomach-turning picks that will leave you wishing we had traded them all for the right to draft Texas RB Vondrell McGee in the Top 5. While all are at least somewhat plausible selections based on the players' current draft stock, none hold a lick of rhyme or reason outside of that. Of course, that won't keep PayLoo from slathering each decision with their own brand of rose-tinted rhetoric. Think you've seen the worst? Read on.
24. Danny Watkins, OG Baylor. As it turns out, Phil Taylor wasn't the player that caught the eyes of Saints scouts at Baylor's March 2nd pro day. No, that distinction evidently goes to Watkins, a 26 year old late bloomer, who did not play high school football whatsoever. Despite having only started 25 games at the Division I level, he is being touted as the best pure OG prospect in this draft.
"Danny's a special player" explains Saints GM Mickey Loomis. "He was drafted 4th overall in last May's CFL draft by the BC Lions, a team that has turned out some incredible NFL talent over the years, like Joe Kapp. Danny's from British Columbia and chose not to sign with the Lions. We think that speaks volumes of his character. Not only his dogged determination to earn his degree in just 14 short semesters, but also for the chance to play at the highest level of football that exists, right here in New Orleans. We're excited about his level of maturity. Danny will be 27 years old in November. As an offensive lineman, that's considered the prime of your career. We feel blessed to land a player of Danny's caliber this late in the first round. He'll compete with Brian de la Puente for a starting spot, at least until we get around to re-signing Carl Nicks."
56. Marcus Gilchrist, FS Clemson. After addressing the interior of an offensive line that gave up a whopping 25 sacks last season, the Saints' brass turns its attention to their much maligned 4th ranked secondary. Here's what head coach Sean Payton has to say about Darren Sharper's heir apparent:
"I fell in love with Marcus shortly after realizing the versatility he'll afford us in dime packages. When our opponents break huddle in a four WR set, we'll now be able to shift Malcolm Jenkins over to CB, with Gilchrist coming in to relieve him at safety. As you may remember, we experimented with this idea in the Dallas game last season, and Malcolm was able to come up with a game-saving forced fumble, after getting beaten badly on a slant route. A few more big plays like that here and there and heck, we may no longer need a punt returner. Plus, just about every one of the top rated safeties in this draft are six feet or taller. Not Marcus. He's 5'10". That should help him reach the turf a lot faster, on those patented submarine tackles; the ones Gregg teaches all of our young defensive backs."
70. Matt Szczur, WR/KR Villanova. Loomis gets a bit creative here, trading this year's 225th overall selection, a 7th round pick in next year's draft and a conditional 5th round pick in 2013 to the Cleveland Browns, in order to move up two spots and snag the NFL rights to former Wildcat jack of all trades -- and current Chicago Cubs center fielder --Szczur.
"First, let me just say that we are elated to land a player of Matt's athleticism" asserts Loomis. "He is super duper fast and can catch with the best of them. Even without a glove. If and when he decides to play professional football, he will prove to be an absolute steal in the 3rd round. He's already a better two sport WR than Jeff Samardzija ever was. And his last name is spelled just a little bit crazier. We knew that Dallas had their grubby eyes on Matt, so we decided to pull the trigger and leapfrog them :high five:. As CSC's own stujo4 would be quick to point out, that was a rather shrewd move on my part. In case you're wondering about the conditional pick, it's fully contingent upon Szczur playing in the World Series this calendar year. Trust me, the Cubs aren't going to the World Series, with or without Matt. It's truly nothing more than a poison pill and Tom Heckert is a chump for swallowing it whole. If the unthinkable happens and he doesn't play football, all we lost is a couple of 7th rounders. Big whoop."
88. Pat Devlin, QB Delaware. As if geriatric guards and baseball-playing receivers weren't enough, Loomis then decides to spend a 3rd round pick on the one developmental backup QB that seemingly no other NFL franchise is interested in.
"Pat may have been beaten out by Daryll Clark at Delaware, but that doesn't mean he isn't a very, very good quarterback" says Sean Payton of his latest pet project. "We're talking about a Blue Hens program that turned out the great Joe Flacco just a few years back. Their uniforms look just like Michigan's. Have you seen them? I have and I couldn't tell the difference. And I tell you what, if you guys think Drew is accurate with his passes, wait until you get a load of this guy. He just flicks his wrist and BOOM! The nose of the ball is embedded in someone's shoulder pads. I've honestly never seen anything like it. He's like a ninja tossing football-shaped Japanese throwing stars out there. Makes Chase look like a sissy-armed mongrel. I don't like this pick. I love it."
242. Josh Jasper, K Louisiana State. With their compensatory selection, the Saints elect to give Garrett Hartley something else to think about, besides Adderall prescriptions and engagement rings.
"You didn't actually think I'd forget about the overtime loss to Atlanta last September, did you?" asks Payton with a smirk. Let it be known that a certain fat punk kicker is hereby on double secret probation. LSU! LSU!"