It was always an uneasy truce between the two sports organizations. The Saints and Falcons have been football rivals for almost 44 years since the Falcons joined the NFL. It has been called one of the most intense rivalries in football and it took a horrible turn for the worst recently. Finally tired of the Atlanta Falcons existence, a Coalition of Saints Bloggers formed and formally declared war on the Atlanta Falcons franchise. The declaration came at 11:12 PM on May 25th after an agreement was made in a Yahoo! chat room.
"Yes my hatred for Atlanta is unhealthy, possibly illegal. That's why it was easy for me to make the declaration of war." said one of the bloggers, Ralph Malbrough. "I’ve never done drugs, but I think watching Matty Ice stare blankly towards the field as Drew Brees kneels down while clock hits zero in a playoff game would be like doing cocaine off a strippers ***. So hell yeah I want them destroyed." Ralph then went on to explain how this came about. "Well I was sitting around doing nothing thanks to the football lockout, D*** YOU JUDGES!! And I called my friend Dave, and I said Dave let's declare war on the Falcons. Then he asked me if I took my medication today and I told him I was serious. I started explaining why I wanted to do this, and he finally agreed."
I was able to track down "Dave", better known as Dave Cariello, and was able to get his side on the story. "I let Ralph think this was all his idea, but in reality, I've been planning this for years. I mean, I own a store- which has actually been a front to buy and sell black market arms in order to prepare for this. Here, come take a look. I've got AKs, a few Glocks, some M-16s, I have a few M-202s. Of course, my favorite is the black and gold painted Remington 870."
Dave then proceeded to explain how he got everyone together. "I mean, we're Saints fans. It's not that hard to find people who hate the Falcons. We just had to find more guys who could fire a gun and who could also serve some other war purpose. I was able to get Kevin Held in on this thanks to his connections in St. Louis to get us Kevlar and helmets, black and gold painted of course. Grandmaster Wang was harder, because he also wanted to declare war on Reggie Bush. Which would divide Saints fans at a time when we would all need to come together to fight the red and black menace. He finally agreed to let it drop in exchange for a bag of funyons. Which is great because we are going to need his tactical skills in planning the assaults. I was able to get a few other guys like David Kelly, HansDat, and Andrew Juge who were willing to fight for some pringles and Saints shirts.
"Yeah I hate the Falcons; I hate them more than I hate Brett Favre, and I HATE Favre." I was speaking to one of the bloggers, Kevin Held. "When Dave approached me with this, of course I said yes! For years I've been forced to let the Saints take out my hatred of the Falcons. And there were a few years where they couldn't get it done. My ruined childhood deserves to see 4400 Falcon Parkway ablaze with the sweet justice of a black and gold fire." Mr. Held then looked me in the eye and with the fury that only a Saints fan could muster, proceeded to ask me to give a message to the Falcons: "We're coming for you, we're going to kick *** and chew bubblegum..." He then took out a piece of juicy fruit that was signed by Sean Payton and started chewing it. "And we're all out of gum."
"I love being able to help the war effort! Our boys in black and gold will march to victory!" announced Minister of Propaganda, HansDat. "I was excited when Dave approached me with this position, it's like a dream come true!" Of course, not all are impressed by the war effort. "Look, I like Dave, but did he really need to hire a guy for 'Secretary of Perfection'? This guy does nothing but follow me around correcting EVERYTHING I do. Even if it's right! Earlier he told me he wanted me to measure the stacks of rifles to make sure that they each have a .3 inch of space between each rifle to 'maintain maximum efficiency for stacking purposes.' This man is insane!"
This war has made some old allies of the bloggers shocked that they went to such a drastic extreme. "I've known Dave for a long time. He's probably the only Saints fan I know who I could stand to be within 1000 feet of without spontaneously combusting. But to declare war? On the Falcons? I worry that Dave just has what football fans call "lockout madness." I don't blame him for being bored, but dammit a war is not something to pick up in your free time! Plus, the Falcons are finally not making me cry in bowl of cereal every morning, I don't want this regime to be tossed out!" The man in question asked to remain anonymous, but did want me to link to his website.
Unfortunately, Sean Payton would not comment on this development. Saying "I don't talk to no ******* blogger. You aren't even real people!" Hopefully the bloggers will come to a peaceful conclusion with the Falcons before bloodshed occurs.
**Note: This entire story is fake. Though one or two real life quotes were used, they were taken entirely out of context and should not be misconstrued as real. No blogger is going to war with the Atlanta Falcons, and Dave's store is not a front.**