Offseason Adventures: David Thomas

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So I was in New Orleans right before the lockout was put back in place. I needed the workout, for some reason, I kept waking up with burger wrappers from Wendys. Of course, as soon as I arrived, the courts re instituted the lockout. I had two choices, go to the local gym and work out there, or go grab another burger. So I was on my way to Wendys, for some strange reason, and decided to get the baconator for like the billionth time. Then I suddenly wondered why I was getting stronger, even though I was eating tons of burgers and no longer working out. However, that's too much thought for the day, and so I started eating the burger.

All of a sudden, my gut started churning, my head quaking, my arms trembling, legs shaking. I wondered if that was the normal reaction to eating a Wendys burger. Then, my arms grew twice in size, my legs became stronger, my chest felt like it was protected by tons of layers, and I had a cape on that came from who knows where. I looked down and saw on my chest a big "B". And then...it came to me. I, David Thomas, was the Baconator.

Just moments ago, I was a mere football player playing the tight end position. Now, I was a superhero so I needed to do something to help people. But what does a super burger hero do? So I set out, in search of what can I do and what powers I had.

After days of traveling and 25 unanswered calls, I arrived in Kansas City where I was still in search of what I could do and who I could help. When my car finally broke down from all the burgers in it. Luckily, there was an old man there to help me after my car gave out.

"Need some help?"

"I'd greatly appreciate it."

"You don't need any."

"Wow, thanks for the help coach."

"Coach?"

"Oh, sorry. Flashback to my Patriots days. Why don't I need help?"

"Because you have the power to do it yourself."

Then he lifted the car's hood and he told me to spit on the battery. When I did, my spit turned into ketchup and, somehow, the acid got the battery up and running again.

"How did you know that would happen?"

"Because, I was once the Baconator."

"How did you know?"

"Well for starters, wearing a cape and a suit that says "B" on the front was a dead give away."

"........possibly."

"Anyway, I need to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"The world is in danger from an evil mad man wearing black and light blue."

"What can I do? I'm just a simple burger hero."

"You have the power to transform a person from evil into good with your special bacon powers."

"Ahh, bacon, what can't it do?"

"Pay attention Thomas, this is important. You have to find this man, corner him, and trick him into eating this bacon."

"Got it, where is he?"

Then the mysterious man hands me a map with the location circled. He wished me luck on my journey as I headed back East. I was headed to Charlotte.

**2 days later**

I arrived in Charlotte, NC to find the place a desolate waste land. There was no hope anywhere, and it seemed like there was no life anywhere. The whole place made me feel like it was an evil establishment.

"Good to see it hasn't changed since I was here last November."

There was no time for reminiscing on how the Panthers sucked. I had to find this evil man, and make him eat bacon. So I went towards the stadium to find desolate residents shuffling about moaning "Go Panthers; Jake Delhomme Matt Moore Jimmy Clausen Cam Newton is our man!" It was pathetic to say the least. Suddenly, the world started quaking like Gregg's belly after he threw that bowl of jello screaming "BLITZ BLITZ." The moon and stars started clashing, the wind contained a certain chill, and I saw a shadowy figure heading my way from inside the stadium. When I saw his face, my jaw dropped.

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"WHO DARES DISTURB THE TACKLER!?"

"BAHAHAHAHA, the tackler??! That's your name? It sounds like some hack writer who literally couldn't think of anything else."

"SHUT UP! Don't insult the tackler."

Then he flung his wrist at me and I fell on my back. I realized that he was powerful, more powerful than I realized. I would need to think fast. But before I had a chance, the Tackler was on top of me, he had a shoe against my throat- my time was running out. So I asked, through strained breaths:

"I have something that would fulfill your biggest dream."

"Lies. I have been searching for my dream for years, and I have yet to find it. What makes you so sure you have it?"

"Trust me, if you eat this piece of bacon: you can tackle any one. You'd be a tackling god."

"I'm not so sure I trust you."

"This bacon would make you become the most powerful man in all of the universe."

"It sounds tempting...but I'm just going to have to kill you instead."

"WAIT, if you don't kill me I'll give you the bacon and it will get you out of Carolina."

Before I knew it, he snatched the bacon out of my hands and swallowed it whole. Within no time, the Tackler fell down and started having a seizure. Not long after that, he stood up and started asking questions:

"W-....What happened? W..Why am I here? Why didn't I demand for a trade to somewhere else?"

"It's ok. My name is the baconater, and I just saved your life."

"Thanks Baconator. My name's Jon Beason."

"You know, I can grant you one wish and it would be the one thing your heart desires."

"How do you kn--"

"I know."

"Ok, can I have my one wish?"

"You sure can."

Later that day, I purchased him a ticket back to New Orleans with me. I brought Beason to the Super Dome where he signed with the Saints that day, he was suprised to learn that not every NFL team requires a blood oath and that all equipment be furnished by the players. He couldn't wait to play SOLB for the Saints.

So it was, that I, David Thomas, became the Baconator and saved everyone's life from a man with a funny name living in a funny city. Man I'm hungry.