All In: Party In The Preseason
by Jon Banks on Aug 22, 2011 7:56 AM CDT
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Print(Scene: The Saints are practicing outside in the afternoon. Focus goes to Brees as he stands around with the offense.)
***
Brees: Alright guys, the defense has been stout all day long. They haven't given an inch, and I'm not liking our odds to convert this third down. However, if we run a trick play, it's bound to confuse them.
P.Thomas: What do you suggest we run?
Brees: Here's what we do: I throw the ball to Colston, who then break dances, and then throws the ball back to me. I do a triple fake statue of liberty while spinning like a ballernia; pretending to hand it off to Pierre on each spin. Afterwards I throw it to Zach Strief, who will be lined up as wide out, and the O-line will use the time that I'm spinning to make it out in front of Strief and run in front of him like a screen.
Strief: Uh, wouldn't it be better to use Ingram, or Sproles who are both faster?
Brees: But they'll never see this one coming!!
Strief: If you say so...
Brees: Come on guys! It'll work, trust me.
(Offense breaks huddle and heads to the line.)
Brees: Ready, HUT!
(Brees then throws to Colston who then begins to break dance, each time he does a move he also evades a tackle. He then throws it back to Brees before going down, at which point Brees spins around likes a Ballerina both confusing and entertaining Jonathan Vilma and Will Smith to the point they fall down. Brees then throws it to Zach Strief who has the entire 5 man offensive line in front of him. Strief runs past the laughing and confused linebackers, but fails to make it past Malcolm Jenkins as he strips the ball and runs it back for a touchdown.)
Brees: GOD*********************
Jenkins: You can't outsmart Gregg Williams!
via blog.nola.com
Williams: WOOOOOOOOOOOWE! YOU TRIED TO OUTSMART ME DREW, BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!
Brees: How did you know that I was planning on one of the most insane plays I could possibly think of?
Williams: A MAGICIAN NEVER TELLS HIS SECRETS!!
(Williams then points towards the sky getting Brees to look, as he then removes the listening device he placed on Drew's pads.)
Williams: HUH, MUST HAVE BEEN A BIRD. I COULD HAVE SWORN IT WAS SUPERMAN.
Brees: Uh-huh. I'll figure out your secret one day.
(Fast forward one hour. Vilma is talking to the team after practice in the locker room)
Vilma: Well guys, today's practice was good. You young guys are doing better, and training camp is almost over. So I wanted to invite everyone over to my house for a party to celebrate all the good we're doing.
Bussey: When is it?
Vilma: How about tonight? You guys doing anything?
(Locker Room murmurs "Not really", "Nope", and "What did I have for lunch again?")
Vilma: Great! I'll see you guys tonight! Coaches are invited too!
Williams: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Vilma: Ok, maybe not you.
(Fast forward another hour, the guys are all arriving at Vilma's house)
Vilma: Hey guys! Glad you could make it. Let me take you on a tour around my house. Here's the den, I've got all my Hurricanes stuff in here.
(Harper walks over to one of his old jerseys and inspects it)
Harper: It says property of Nevin Shapiro on it.
Vilma (nervously): Haha, um, I'm sure that's uh.. just a... coinci- give me that.
Harper: Is this a picture of you on a yacht?
Vilma: OK, no more den time. To the Living room!
(The group heads to the living room)
Vilma: And here it is! You guys like?
Brees: This is really nice! I like all the Saints stuff all over.
Vilma: Yeah, you guys are going to love my tv.
(turns on 65' plasma tv.)
Jenkins: NICE!
Sproles: Seriously man, that's a really cool tv!
(Knock on door)
Vilma: Let's see who it is.
Daniel: 'ello guys. What are you guysss up to?
Vilma: Drunk again?
Daniel: What else would I be? Sober? (laughs)
Brees: Chasel, it's really not good to be drunk...especially during the preseason.
Daniel: Sorry, dad. Ha! I amuse myself.
Pierre Thomas: Just remember what happened the last time you were drunk.
Daniel: (blank stare)
Vilma: Hartley?
Daniel: (blank stare)
Harper: You made coach send him to Virgina?
Daniel: Has anyone seen coach? I haven't seen him all week.
Brees: Come to think of it, he's been pre recording things for me. I wonder where he is...
(Scene Switch: Superdome, New Orleans. Payton's office.)
(Sean Payton is seen staring at a picture frame containing the following picture)
Payton: (sigh)
(watches Cardinals @ Saints 2009 playoff game)
Payton: When I was young, I never needed anyone, and makin' love was just for fun, those days are gone. Livin' alone, I think of all the friends I've known, But when I dial the telephone, Nobody's home. All by myself... Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore...All by myself...Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore...
(Payton gets up and goes over to the mirror)
Payton: Holy hell, I look like ****. I need to get myself together for Sproles, I don't want him thinking I still miss Reg....Reg....(begins sobbing again.) I MISS YOU REGGIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Payton takes out a piece of juicy fruit and puts it to his mouth)
Payton:...WHAT'S THE POINT!?
(Scene Revert)
Vilma: I don't know, he's probably really busy.
Brees: I guess, he seems really tired.
Ingram: He's got a busy job.
Sproles: Is it weird he invited me to dinner?
(the group looks at each other)
Harper: Do you have a tattoo on your leg?
Sproles: I don't think so.
Harper: Prepare yourself...
Daniel: He's gonna make you his bitch.
(knock on door)
Vilma: I'll get it.
(door opens)
Jordan: What up guys?
Harper: How's it going?
Jordan: It's going, living the life of a first round pick.
Vilma: Yeah, none of us know what that's like.
Ingram: Neither do I.
Smith: Same here.
Jordan: Very funny guys.
Vilma: Hey Brees! Can you throw me that remote over here?
Brees: Sure!
(Brees throws remote to Vilma...it's underthrown)
Brees: Oops, sorry about that. Guess I'm rusty.
Vilma: Yeah...rusty.
Harper: Does anyone hear that sound?
Sproles: What sound?
Harper: It sounds like a poor excuse.
Brees: Hilarious! You want to see a poor excuse? Let's watch the Seahawks game again.
Harper:.... Below the belt, man.
(knock on the door)
Vilma: Let me go get that, guys.
(door opens)
Hartley: Hey guys! How's it going? Is coach here?
Harper: Nah, you're fine.
Hartley: Thank God. I had enough trouble getting back to New Orleans, I don't feel like going on another cross-country tour.
Harper: You promised us stories, man!
Hartley: It's a loonnnnnnng story.
Harper: You just don't want to tell me.
Hartley: Well, that too.
(tons of excited knocking)
Harper: Uh Oh.
Vilma: I think I know who that is.
(Vilma opens door)
Williams: HEY GUYS!!! I'M SO GLAD YOU INVITED ME!!! I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE!!! LOUD NOISES!!!
Vilma: Hey..Gregg.
Williams: PLEASE, CALL ME GREGG.
Vilma:.....
Harper: That's our Gregg.
Williams: SO HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN ANY GOOD BLITZES LATELY? I SAW A NICE 10 MAN BLITZ THE OTHER DAY, I NEEDED A TOWEL AFTERWARDS!!!!
Sproles: How do you guys deal with this?
Harper: Most of my salary is in therapy bills.
Daniel: Mine's in alcohol.
Hartley: Drugs.
(slow knocks on the door, followed by crying.)
???: OPEN this DOOR!!!
Vilma: Who's there?
???: Misery.
Harper: Misery who?
???: I WILL CUT YOU SO FAST, YOUR $28 MILLION CONTRACT WILL BURN UP AT THE SPEED OF ME CUTTING YOUR ASS.
Harper: Well, someone's cranky.
(door is opened by Vilma)
Payton: I've come for you Sproles.
Brees: Coach, your pupils are dilated and you're slurring your speech. Tell me, and be honest, how many pieces of juicy fruit have you had?
Payton: I may have had a pack or two...or 12.
Brees: 12?!?!? Please don't tell me you drove with that much juicy fruit in your body.
Payton: Sproles, please come with me. It's time for your initiation.
Sproles: In all honesty, I'm kinda scared right now.
(At this point, it is noticeable that Hartley is hiding in the corner trying to turn invisible.)
Payton: Sproles. I won't tell you again. Come with me.
Sproles: Ok. I'll come. Just don't hurt the guys.
Payton: Cool! Let's go.
(At this point, Chase Daniel dodges the coasters that Garrett Hartley is throwing at him and stumbles towards Payton)
Daniel: Hey coach, Hartley's back.
via media.nola.com
Payton: I'm going to have to fix that.
Hartley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Payton: This will teach you to...what did he do again?
Harper: He said Big Red is better than Juicy Fruit.
Payton: HE WILL SUFFER FOR HIS TREACHERY!!!
(Payton leaves with Sproles and Hartley in tow)
Harper: My therapist is going to love, my stories this week.
(Scene end)
This FanPost was written by a reader and member of Canal Street Chronicles. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CSC and its staff or editors.
40 comments
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12 recs |
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OMG, good stuff!
Some day, when you’re not busy, I’d love to take a tour of your head.
I’ll pre-pay, of course!
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, an a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
by Just 'Nother Day on Aug 22, 2011 9:30 AM CDT reply actions
A tour of my head?
I feel like this is how Frankenstein started…
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
"I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...Rapture!"
Great Article
And if you put sunglasses on Gregg Williams, he looks like Gil Grissom on CSI. There’s a little resemblance.
That's interesting. You know what makes me sad? YOU DO!!! Maybe we should chug on over to mambypandyland...or maybe we can find some self confidence for you YA JACKWAGON!!!!!!
(tears) Tissue?.....Crybaby.
Don'
"It's about time that something good like this happened." - Drew Brees
by SaintsFanMD on Aug 22, 2011 12:01 PM CDT up reply actions
Reply fail...
Damn keyboard—was gonna say:
Don’t let him in your head! JND just wants to steal all of your crazy ideas—he’s probably planning some Saints parody book or movie or something!
"It's about time that something good like this happened." - Drew Brees
by SaintsFanMD on Aug 22, 2011 12:02 PM CDT up reply actions
Rec'd it!
Love these, Jon. I was gonna pick out some of the best lines to make some snarky comments or comebacks, but there are just to many to choose from!
"It's about time that something good like this happened." - Drew Brees
BOOM!
Rec. It’s great to see that Jon has time to do this kind of reporting again.. I’m guessing it’s semester break.
"Dang! The Saints won the Super Bowl!" - my wife, Meso "Happy" Hu Dat.
Can't quit laughing
Rec. You have talent my friend!!!
Football+Beer+100 degree heat+80% humidity====Several broken TV remotes and a angry girlfriend
Very funny...
and excellent use of Payton photos (including my personal favorite- the drunk Payton).
so he has somewhere to bring the hookers (I kid!!)
by snowboard_kat on Aug 23, 2011 11:20 AM CDT up reply actions
so he has somewhere to bring thehookersvicodin
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
I hope you know the dangers of being a hooker. We don’t want you straying down that road.
There's a fine line between love and hate.
no worries…remember…12 years of Catholic school over here…
by snowboard_kat on Aug 23, 2011 12:18 PM CDT up reply actions
I’m confused….my catholic friends all say that’s a reason to start hooking…not a deterrent.
I don’t sell yourself/Payton short….“high priced call girls”…not hookers.
"Winter is coming"
don’t sell yourself/Payton short…."high priced call girls"…not hookers.
…you say the sweetest things.
Now where’s that paddle…Mistress Kat says it’s time for your birthday spankings (zips up vinyl boots).
by snowboard_kat on Aug 23, 2011 3:27 PM CDT up reply actions
zips up vinyl leather boots
sorry, you said high priced call girl.
by snowboard_kat on Aug 23, 2011 3:36 PM CDT up reply actions
O_O
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
Where has this post gone!?!?!?
/btw, i’ll love you all if I can get at least 7 recs on the post
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
Spankings Hugs!
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
Mine was
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, an a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
by Just 'Nother Day on Aug 24, 2011 4:05 AM CDT up reply actions
"You Catholic girls start much too late." - Billy Joel
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, an a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
by Just 'Nother Day on Aug 23, 2011 3:52 PM CDT up reply actions
Mistress Kat says it’s time for your birthday spankings
Umumumum…….I can’t wait until my birthday.
There's a fine line between love and hate.
Sept. 28th. Be here.
30 spankings from me and cp will pop out of a cake.
by snowboard_kat on Aug 23, 2011 4:30 PM CDT up reply actions
A cake with sprinkles on it?
This is just getting wierd!
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, an a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
by Just 'Nother Day on Aug 24, 2011 4:06 AM CDT up reply actions
Goodness. That was the funniest thing I've read in a while
"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt someone deliberately unless it was, you know, important - like a league game or something." - Dick Butkus
What's the difference between a 3-week old puppy and a sportswriter? In six weeks the puppy will stop whining." - Mike Ditka
Shooting from 1000 yards I can split a 1/4 of an atom in to an 1/8 of an atom, sitting on top of 1/2 of an atom, with out changing the molecular structure!
I want to thank you guys for reading and rec'ing.
12 recs is the highest I’ve ever gotten for one of these posts!
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
by Jon Banks on Sep 1, 2011 2:45 PM CDT reply actions 2 recs
I just gave you another rec
for a rainy day. :-)
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, an a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
by Just 'Nother Day on Sep 1, 2011 3:41 PM CDT up reply actions
Now you have two recs for a rainy day. Has anyone heard that its going to be raining in New Orleans all labor day weekend? The one stinking time I dont have to work and I make plans there is supposed to be a tropical storm effing everything up for me. All of you almost had a full week w/o me. Too bad for stujo it looks like I am going to be changing my plans.
This comment was written by a reader and member of Canal Street Chronicles. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CSC and its staff or editors.
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