NFL Power Rankings Week 8

Geoff Burke-US PRESSWIRE

He's not an "expert" but claims he's a "sexpert." How this makes him fit to rank the NFL teams 1-32 is anybody's guess. Wait...please don't guess. You might encourage him to explain things...

Each week Canal Street Chronicles ranks all 32 NFL teams from best to worst. Teams are ranked 1 through 32, with the first team being able to beat the second on a neutral field. The second team could beat the third team, who could beat the fourth, and then they could beat the fifth place team, and so on. You get the idea.

1. New York Giants (5-2): I debated having them or the Texans in my top spot, so I went by the quality of their opponent for the week. While the Texans dismantled the Ravens early and were in no harm, I think the Giants having to come from behind in the final minute of play in a division game puts them over the top.

2. Houston Texans (6-1): Good news, though...you guys get the Iron Man 3 trailer instead of some lame jokes!

Where to start? I'll refrain from nerding out too much, so I'll leave it at this: it's awesome there was no money shot of Iron Man whooping ass at the end, keeping the entire trailer focused on how Tony Stark's world is going to hell in a hand basket.

3. Atlanta Falcons (6-0): Don't complain, Falcons fans; you were on a bye. Be grateful I didn't rank the next team higher than you.

4. Chicago Bears (5-1): Since when is Jay Cutler so F'n likable? First he's showing up in amusing commercials (sans tapenade, thank you very much), and now I hear he's reached out to the family of a Bears fan who's son was killed? I got no joke for that last part; guy's doing a wonderful thing and should be credited as such.

5. San Francisco 49ers (5-2): I really hate these Thursday night match-ups. I should be happy that we're getting football on another day of the week, but: a) I don't have NFL Network (because I'm cheap) and b) because I'm genuinely concerned about player safety. My nemesis Bill Simmons posted a perfectly legitimate plan for an 18-game schedule AND give teams a bye week PRIOR to their Thursday night game. More on my addendum to this plan with the Seahawks' ranking. (Note: We call this a "tease.")

6. Green Bay Packers (4-3): Here by default. I'd have the next two teams ahead of them, but my God, they are in NO SHAPE to be ranked any higher... So this Aaron Rodgers guy is still pretty good at football. And he's a likable dude who's into wrestling from back in the day. I wish I knew how to quit you, Aaron Rodgers. PHRASING!

7. Minnesota Vikings (5-2): Holy s***, was this team terrible on Sunday. Maybe it's cause Christian Ponder's spending too much time with his new lady friend, ESPN's Samantha Steele? Best part about that Yahoo piece I linked to is that his teammates are now calling him "Christian Steele," who I believe co-starred in a video I recently downloaded off the internet with Jayden James. But I digress...

8. Baltimore Ravens (5-2): So about that whole "Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback" talk... #wanking

9. New England Patriots (4-3)

10. Denver Broncos (3-3): I'm still liking my prediction for the Broncos to win their division. Think I'm being nuts? It's not like I'm suddenly predicting the Saints to make the postseason or anything... (runs away before anybody tells Jack Sharkey.)

11. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-3)

12. Seattle Seahawks (4-3): So here's my addition to the plan, which I've actually been pushing for several years now: increase the roster sizes to 60 active players. That's more depth for teams and more opportunity for franchises to take chances on players. And if I may hop on my soapbox for 30 seconds: it'll result in 224 new player jobs and any other ancillary positions created as a result (team trainers, etc.), giving Goodell the chance to cloak himself as a job creator all while pushing for his 18-game schedule.

13. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)

14. Washington Redskins (3-4): Random observation: I was unprepared for the Wu-Tang Clan as a child or teenager. Once I hit my 20s, I was all about mastering the 36th chamber and stuff. I bring this up because RZA and the Black Keys got together for a music video, and IT. IS. GREAT. Do I wait for the soundtrack to become available or do I download this song immediately and put it in my workout mix?

15. Miami Dolphins (3-3): Reggie Bush is going to be a father. I find this both quaint and terrifying.

16. Arizona Cardinals (4-3): This team is a train wreck. Do you think Larry Fitzgerald cuts himself at night imagining the "what if" future he could be enjoying had Peyton Manning opted to move to Phoenix?

17. Dallas Cowboys (3-3): Even in victory this team managed to look incompetent. Congratulations, Shreveport! You can HAVE this miserable looking team! Maybe you can petition the governor of Texas (ol' what's-his-head) and see if he can't annex you blokes into his "whole other country" or some such nonsense.

18. New Orleans Saints (2-4): I've got a theory: I think Steve Spagnuolo recognized his secondary was getting carved the F up at the end of the game and pulled his players over and TOLD THEM the rule about the receiver becoming ineligible for a catch if he goes out of bounds should the QB leave the pocket. That's the only legitimate explanation I've got. Well, it's also the only explanation to ensure my sanity, because this defense is ATROCIOUS.

19. San Diego Chargers (3-3)

20. Detroit Lions (2-4): I know this is a football post, but the World Series is underway and I hear that Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander is dating Kate Upton. GOOD FOR HIM:

21. Indianapolis Colts (3-3): You don't want to read a God damn thing about the Colts. You want to watch that Kate Upton video again. It's okay. I approve.

22. St. Louis Rams (3-4): This team could be a contender in the NFC West if their receivers could hang onto the ball.

23. New York Jets (3-4): Only reason these guys aren't lower is because of their improbable win over the Patriots. ... What do you mean, I'm wrong? Jim Nantz would NEVER steer me wrong!

24. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4)

25. Tennessee Titans (3-4)

26. Oakland Raiders (2-4)

27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4): Burn those creamsicle uniforms, posthaste.

28. Buffalo Bills (3-4): Their run defense resurrected Chris Johnson's career. His fantasy owners are nodding along after reading that sentence. Most of them are probably breaking the keyboard because this was the week they finally benched him in frustration.

29. Cleveland Browns (1-6): Hey, at least they looked competitive in their last game, right? RIGHT?!?!?

30. Carolina Panthers (1-5): This team looks like absolute s***, rendering the Saints' loss to them even more catastrophic.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5): I know 15-year-old me would consider this blasphemous, but I'm really digging the red band trailer for the Evil Dead remake.

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5): Your one good player is out for several weeks with a foot injury? Time to set up camp at the base of the mountain, Jags.

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