NFL Power Rankings Week 5

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Who's the best team in the land? Oh, admit it, you don't really care about that; you just want to see if this knucklehead will rank the Saints last.

Wait a minute... Dave's put me in charge of this thing? I feel like I need some entrance music or something. The kinda thing that'll get the crowd on its collective feet. Hold on...

This combines my love appreciation of pro wrestling with my appreciation love for 80s rock, and my zeal for making over-the-top first impressions.

With the formalities out of the way, let's kick this bad boy off before this article/column/puff-piece/rant turns into a movie review on Ain't It Cool News.

I've ranked teams 1st to 32nd, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field (in, oh I don't know, let's say Sheboygan). So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

Please note that I may not say anything about a team just because I'm either: too lazy, too tired, can't think of anything clever or insightful, or D) some combination of the above. And along the way I'll attach some music videos or maybe a few pics of attractive ladies.

Please keep in mind: since I'm moving this from the the freak show that is Hakim Drops the Ball to the respectable business that is CSC, I've got to tone down some of the pics of the ladies (cue the "you sold out" chants). Joke's on you, I guess. Dave's only paying me in Lira.

***

1. Houston Texans (4-0): +70 point differential. That's the biggest reason this team is topping the list. As if Saints fans didn't have enough of a complex; now we have to sit and watch a team from Houston freakin' Texas suddenly become competent.

2. Atlanta Falcons (4-0): Guh. I wish I were doing this to troll you good people. Who the frak thought Matt Ryan (OF ALL PEOPLE!) was going to connect on a bomb to Roddy White (again, OF ALL PEOPLE!) to pull the Falcons out of the fire? Cause I sure didn't. And I know it's become the cool thing to dog the Panthers for punting to the Falcons that late in the game. Uh, I have to ask again: WHO IN GOD'S NAME thought Matt "2 points" Ryan was going to unleash all that? I hate him and his perfectly sculpted Gillette face!

3. Arizona Cardinals (4-0): The NFC West is the best division in football at the moment. John Facenda and Steve Sabol are having a hoot about this somewhere. On paper, the quarterbacks in this division are a real Turderer's Row. (Not a misspelling.) You got a guy with baby hands, an injury prone guy who may or may not really pan out, a $65 million "game manager," and the patron saint of Bill Simmons' erstwhile trolling.

4. Baltimore Ravens (3-1): John is winning the Harbaugh Bowl this week. Sorry, Jim. Don't shake my hand too hard.

5. San Francisco 49ers (3-1): Beating the Jets is the equivalent of Arkansas beating Louisiana-Monr-oh-wait-a-minute. I mean, beating the Jets is like...beating...something...that is easy...to beat. Yep. Something easily beaten. Something I can't think of at the mom-AN EGG! Like beating an EGG!!! BOOM!

6. San Diego Chargers (3-1): A Norv Turner-coached team got through September with a 3-1 record.

7. Chicago Bears (3-1): I feel like we should start calling Jay Cutler "Cutty Snark," a crap beer crossed with a flip response. He sulks so damn much on and off the field I feel like his helmet should have a 'Drives Like a Cullen' bumper sticker on it. And yet...they're a top 10 team when he's on his game.

8. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1): Second best division in the NATIONAL. FOOTBALL. LEAGUE. /Schlereth'd By the way, I can't be the only who loathes that everybody's now spelling out what NFL stands for, right? Was there a memo about this to all the broadcasters and analysts? You don't hear folks saying "National Basketball Association" or anything stupid like that, do you? (turns on TV, hears Stephen Smith say just that. turns off TV.)

9. New York Giants (2-2): They're currently in 4th place in their own division. And yet they're the only team in said division with a positive point differential. Go figure.

10. New England Patriots (2-2): I kinda like the angry Tom Brady.

11. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)

12. Minnesota Vikings (3-1)

13. Denver Broncos (2-2): It was fun watching Peyton Manning roll the Raiders last week, wasn't it? Makes the impending beatdown from the Patriots all the more depressing.

14. Green Bay Packers (2-2): Despite last Sunday's unpleasantness, I am not entirely convinced the Packers are a contender. They beat one of the worst team's in the league featuring one of the worst defenses in league history by just one point. And yes, I'm going to keep telling myself that while I replay Garrett Hartley's missed FG like the Zapruder film in my head over and over. "Up and to the right...Up and to the right...Up and to the right..."

15. Washington Redskins (2-2): Robert Griffin III is going to burn bright and flame out sooner rather than later. I'm going to choose to enjoy the light show while it lasts.

16. Dallas Cowboys (2-2): How 'bout them godawful Cowboys?!? Cheer up! At least you you big belt buckle wearing schmucks got a Victoria's Secret opening up in "JERRUH WORLD." Your tight end has no spleen, your star WR "allegedly" has issues with his momma, and your quarterback has Jon Gruden overhyping him like he's the second-coming of John Wayne-meets-Roger Staubach.

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3): My prediction about the Bucs winning the NFC South appears to have gone awry.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2): I'm going to save my snark for these guys. Gotta keep the fires stoked for a long season in case they're terrible throughout. Wouldn't want to burn out too soon, you know?

19. Carolina Panthers (1-3): The patented "Cam Newton delayed handoff/fake handoff into an option run" looks like it would be a devastating move in Madden.

20. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)

21. New York Jets (2-2): As big a dumpster fire as the Saints might be this season (and they probably will be), at least we're not the New York Jets, amirite? I say Tebow starts taking a majority of the snaps at QB by Week 7.

22. Buffalo Bills (2-2)

23. St. Louis Rams (2-2): We're living in a world in which the Saints are 0-4 and the Rams are 2-2. If anybody needs me, I'll be out laying in traffic. And yes, I know they're ranked ahead of a team that beat them. It's my rankings and I will do whatever I damn well please, thank you very much! That and it's on a neutral site and not at Ford's Field, so there. (sticks tongue out. suspended six games by Roger Goodell.)

24. Detroit Lions (1-3): The SchMadden SchCurse is still looming, Calvin Johnson. Drew Brees' goat ligament-infused knee says "hello."

25. Seattle Seahawks (2-2): Really ought to be 1-3, but hey it's not like these things count for anything. Am I right, Rog?

26. Miami Dolphins (1-3): Speaking of Miami, does anybody watch 'Dexter' anymore? Should I just get out after the season with John Lithgow?

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3): Uh, I... Think... You know what? I really need to make plans with my wife to go see 'Looper' this weekend. #ScintillatingNFLAnalysis

28. Tennessee Titans (1-3): They got their one win because of a Detroit Lions brain fart. And Jake Locker might be injured.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3): These guys got housed by the San Diego Chargers. That bares mentioning in light of the prior team.

30. New Orleans Saints (0-4): Listen, if you don't think the Saints are THIS bad, you need to have a word with Mr. McDowell...

31. Oakland Raiders (1-3)

32. Cleveland Browns (0-4): Another couple of Top 5 draft picks and these guys might have something resembling an offense. That is, if the Pittsburgh Steelers don't murder them first.

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