Each week Canal Street Chronicles ranks all 32 NFL teams from best to worst. Teams are ranked 1 through 32, with the first team being able to beat the second on a neutral field. The second team could beat the third team, who could beat the fourth, and then they could beat the fifth place team, and so on. You get the idea.
1. Houston Texans (6-1): Don't you feel like the NFL is mostly mediocre to poor teams this season? There's maybe 8 or 9 quality teams in the league, a few with a puncher's chance, and the rest just might as well be carrion for large bears or something.
2. New York Giants (6-2): When you nearly blow a 23-point lead to the F'ing Cowboys, only to be saved by the top half of Dez Bryant's finger going out of the end zone, you're not staying as the number one team. Sorry. Better luck next week.
4. Atlanta Falcons (7-0): The success of the Atlanta Falcons is the opposite of sunshine.
6. New England Patriots (5-3): I'll set the over-under on future Gronk babies to be born in London hospitals in 9 months at 14.5.
9. Baltimore Ravens (5-2): Speaking of Sandy, the following internet law should be enacted: if you share/forward/create a fake storm photo, your internet privileges are taken away from you for a week. Do it again, and it's a month.
10. Minnesota Vikings (5-3): You guys got BF'ed by the Bucs? Fortunately, this game was on the NFL Network, so only like 173 people actually saw it live. (Ed. note: Tired jokes! I haz them!)
12. Miami Dolphins (4-3): Speaking of 'The Dark Knight Rises,' here's a Tumblr dedicated to one of the STUPIDEST damn things in the entire movie. It's one of the worst death scenes ever filmed. You know that lame ass Turkish film everybody keeps touting as the worst death scene ever? Well, that movie was probably made for a few thousand bucks and starred crap actors with cheap editors. TDKR was a $200 million blockbuster. TDKR was worse.
13. Indianapolis Colts (4-3)
16. Washington Redskins (3-5): I'm still enjoying the RGIII show, even if Mike Shanahan doesn't know what the hell he's doing with him. A 'QB Go' route, Shanny?
17. Arizona Cardinals (4-4): If this were the NBA or even Major League Baseball, the Cardinals would figure out a way to ship Larry Fitzgerald out and get something (ANYTHING) in return. Instead, NFL owners are far too chicken s*** to make any trades in season.
20. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4): Well, I guess Disney now gets to market cartoon movies and make more toys and stuff, huh? Nope. Turns out, they're going to make Star Wars, Episode 7.
21. Dallas Cowboys (3-4): You'll forgive me if I'm highly dubious of anything Star Wars related for the rest of my life, seeing as how George Lucas personally scuttled that ship with the godawful revisions and prequels. (Ed. note: So help me God, you will NOT engage me on this, folks.)
26. New Orleans Saints (2-5): The NFL has been in existence for 92 years. This is the WORST DEFENSE IN ITS HISTORY. I'm not kidding. Through seven games, this team has allowed more yardage than any other. Think of all the inept defenses the Saints have had over the years. Hell, just think back to recent history and the illustrious Tebucky Jones, Kevin Kaesviharn, Toi Cook, and the immortal Jason David. Those guys are apparently an All-Madden Team compared to the current group of fellows patrolling the secondary at the moment. When Sean Payton comes back, he should pull a Lorne Michaels at the end of SNL season 11: just set the building on fire and maybe save one or two folks (hint: Jon Lovitz = Curtis Lofton).
27. Oakland Raiders (3-4)
28. Cleveland Browns (2-6)
29. San Diego Chargers (3-4): Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
30. St. Louis Rams (3-5): This is what happens when you get shellacked by the Patriots.
31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6): They haven't held a lead EVEN ONCE during regulation. That's some kinda terrible.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6)