In my lame efforts to turn the Saints fans away from introspective criticism of our own team (yeah, yeah, the defensive suckitude is great), I am continuing to provide some red meat for our fan base. This hate is reserved for our unworthy opponents, who this week happens to be the Oakland Raiders. It’s time to hate the other team (at least for 4 hours on Sunday) and the delusional barbarians that support them. But here’s the problem this week—they love to be hated! So here are six reasons to either hate or love the Raiders, and the dump of Oakland wherein they reside. Feel free to add your own reasons in the comments section. If you don’t know any good reasons, make ‘em up! I sure did. If you are a thin-skinned, one-eyed, wanna-be pirate cretin, then stay home with your toy light sabres.
Reason #1: No-name personnel. Who are you gonna scream at when Oakland does well? Some washed-up Bengals quarterback, some injured running back, or that fat f*** that kicks their field goals? Give me a simple QB name that I can mock, like Matty Deuce.
Reason #2: Al Davis. As senile as this guy became towards the end of his life, his corpse is still smarter than anyone currently running the team. Including his inbred son. The worst part is that Al was cheap, but still better than our cheap original owner (John Mekong, Jr.)
Reason #3: Oakland’s Mayor. The former mayor was before and now is again the governor of the state. Yes, “Moonbeam” Jerry Brown. His idea of aging gracefully was moving from Linda Ronstadt in her prime to Oakland in it’s “less than prime.”
Reason #4: Chief Imports. Oakland’s chief imports are incoming criminals and returning criminals. Let me put it this way—you have to go past a prison (Alcatraz or San Quinten) just to get to Oakland, and from what I can tell the prisoners are nicer and better dressed than the citizens. All the city elections end up in 0-0 ties because felons aren’t allowed to vote. And you thought all those fans were wearing costumes. They held an Occupy Oakland rally and nobody came.
Reason #5: Los Angeles Raiders. In 1982, the Los Angeles Coliseum gave a huge blow- job to Al Davis to move the Raiders to LA. Because the coliseum has like 200,000 crappy bench seats, they could never sell out their games, and the NFL ceased to be broadcast in the SoCal area (unless it was a Raider away game or an Anaheim Rams game--big whup). Since I live in SoCal, I was damn pissed, my only reprieve being to see the Saints 1 game per year at Anaheim. After the Raiders moved back to Oakland in 1995, TV-viewing got a lot better.
Reason #6: They’re in California, dummy! The left coast. The land of fruits and nuts. Earthquake central. When the state dumped Gray Davis, I got the chance to vote for a porn star at the local Baptist Church, when anybody and their brother/sister ran as replacement governor. And I never pass up opportunities with porn stars. She actually ran a pretty nice ad the night before the election. Ahnold won that election. Wonder if he was ever in a porn flick, other than that one with his maid. If you can’t find some reason to hate California, then you are clearly an Undecided Voter.