I’ve been reading a number of CSC Fan comments lately with a lot of ridicule for our players and coaches for their poor record and poor play. Time to face the music—the Saints didn’t whup the Saints, the teams we played whupped the Saints. I think the criticism of the Saints Players and coaches, and complements for the other team (barf) are completely misplaced. It’s time to hate the other team and the delusional barbarians that support them. So to help our fans get their game faces on, I am providing six reasons to hate the Philadelphia Eagles. Feel free to add your own in the comments section. If you don’t know any good reasons, make ‘em up! I sure did. If you are a thin-skinned Pennsylvania native, then stay home with your tea set.
Reason #1: Michael Vick. This should be self-explanatory. We Saints fans should have sufficient residual hate after watching our defenses chase him around from his Fowlclown days, not to mention his pedigree as a dog walker. I know he’s done his time, and his crimes likely pale in contrast to what happens at some of the animal factory farms, but I’m still not gonna let my kids be babysat by the guy sitting in the corner pulling the wings off of flies.
Reason #2: Philadelphia is known as the City of Brotherly Love. HA! Anyone who ever watched the Broad Street Bullies, or watched the police department burn down a chunk of the city before evacuating all the residents knows better than this. After some intense investigation, I have determined that this expression came about because there are only men in Philadelphia. I have met thousands of women across the country, and none of them confess to coming from Philadelphia (except for a couple of made-up Internet Porn bios). And I ask you, has Grumps ever posted any Philadelphia cheerleader pictures? They couldn’t bother to build a statue to a peace activist, but they found the money to build a statue to a fictional fighter/bad actor.
Reason #3: Veterans Stadium. The Eagles used to play at Veteran’s Stadium. After someone pointed out there were no veterans playing on or running the team, they tore it down and built a new one named after some financial company that was probably complicit in destroying the economy. And I think it was built over a veteran’s cemetery (or maybe I just made that up).
Reason #4: Philadelphia’s chief exports are chuck-holes and cheese-steaks. Cheese steaks are an advertising lie—they are not steaks made out of cheese, even if both ingredients do come from the same animal. It’s not very good steak, or even cheese. They were invented to help make heart surgeons rich, as most Philadelphian’s that eat them die from high cholesterol by the age of thirty. They’re enough to make a NOLA chef cry in his Hollandaise sauce.
Reason #5: Moving out. The First (and Second) Continental Congresses were held in Philadelphia. The great men of that age realized what a dump the city was, and ultimately moved the seat of government to a 10-mile-square swamp on the Potomac River. This might have been the first good thing that ever happened to Philadelphia. Even Ben Franklin left town to chase French whores.
Reason #6: Bad streets. When I was there about 20 years ago, I learned that Philadelphia was the only city to be shelled by German U-Boats in World War II. The shell craters remain in dis-repair in the streets down by the reserve fleet. All efforts by the three remaining sane citizens to fix the streets have been thwarted by dentists and wheel alignment mechanics. Maybe things have gotten better since the…….aw, who am I kidding.