FanPost

6 Reasons to Hate the 'Frisco 49'ers

I really should not have to write a post for this game to generate some red meat for Saints fans, considering how long the 49’ers beat the Saints like a screen door in a hurricane. I will explain to people why the Saints could never beat SF when they can explain to me how a city two time-zones away, east of the Mississippi River could be considered a member of the NFC West. If any of their fans try to get in your face, just refer to the city as ‘Frisco—they’ll love that. Feel free to add your own reasons in the comments section. If you don’t know any good reasons, make ‘em up! I sure did. If you are a thin-skinned, quiche-eating, stat-toting, earthquake-magnet, liberal elitest, then stay home with your squashed ducks.

Reason #1: Gold Diggers. The 49’ers are named after a bunch of lazy, shiftless, get-rich-quick scam artists who flocked to the west coast a year after gold was discovered at Sutter’s mill. They figured they could just walk around and pick up a few gold boulders, and rest on their laurels for the next few decades. Not unlike the current crop of 49’ers that ravaged our farm team in the 1980’s for their defensive line (and Wes Chandler), making them a legend in their own minds.

Reason #2: Candlestink Park. The 49’ers home stadium is called Candlestick Park. Although most of the indigent population believes it was named for the peninsula where it was built, it was actually named for one of the least popular pieces in the Monopoly board game. It was built on top of a dump, not that the locals could ever tell the difference between the two. The stadium was built by the former land (read, “dump”) owner under a no-bid (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) contract that made Honorable Mention in the Real Estate Hall of Shame.

Reason #3: Redwood Trees. New Orleans has its pine trees, Southern California has its palm trees, but San Francisco had the beautiful, stately redwoods. Until the locals cut them down and burned them up. If you want to see a redwood there now, you have to cross over to Marin County to Muir Woods (Muir was one of the first documented draft dodgers, going to Canada to avoid the Uncivil War). Or look at some really old pictures.

Reason #4: Chief Exports. San Francisco’s chief exports are hippies, drugs, and the Grateful Dead. Now don’t get me wrong—2 out of 3 ain’t bad. But the hippies are just gold-diggers that traded their gold nuggets and showers for some “magic” beans and then just wandered off to communes and dumps (i.e., Candlestink park). Casey Jones is required to be played in all schools instead of the National Anthem. They actually, finally, had to pass a law to tell all the hippies to put their clothes on (except during fairs, parades, drug-induced happenings, or any other social situation that might attract children).

Reason #5: City Planning by Sesame Street. I think the first attempt at city planning in San Francisco was by God in 1906, when he invited the locals to start over. Most cities with a lot of hills try to lay the streets out to minimize the number of intersections where you have to stand on the brakes and gun the engine. Actually, I think the current arrangement was developed by brake and automatic transmission salesmen. It’s the only place I’ve ever seen where if your brakes fail, you can plan on crashing in about 2 miles at 100-mph. I’ve been told that all the nouveau- riche live on top of the hills in their belief all the hippies are too stoned to walk uphill. And what about the Golden Gate Bridge? It’s painted red, not gold, and there are no gates involved. After they rebuilt it after the most recent earthquake, they inverted the middle span by letting the hippies wander around on it.

Reason #6: Jim Harbaugh. Talk about over-hyped. Look, I understand the 49’ers like to hire coaches from Stanford in the mistaken belief that just because they coached at a school known for smart rich kids, that they would be smart also. I admit, it worked with Bill Walsh, but that schtick is outdated. Jim Harbaugh—recipient of the Stanford Toilet Bowl for getting a $75,000 bathroom.

This FanPost was written by a reader and member of Canal Street Chronicles. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CSC and its staff or editors.

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