Some of you might be getting a bit soft on the Falcons, what with them beating losing their first game to us and then beating Tampon Bay to help us in the Wild Card chase. Well, you can forget that crap. I don’t care how nice Dave Choate has been, it’s time to put the Saint's boot on Atlanta’s throat and remind those feather-brained miscreants who really rules the NFC South (not to mention keeping our Wild Card chances alive). So to give you guys some red meat to help get your game faces on, I am providing six Moar reasons to hate the Atlanta Falcons. Feel free to add your own in the comments section. If you don’t know any good reasons, make ‘em up! I sure did. And if you are a thin-skinned goober, then thanks for staying home and playing in the red clay (which I presume explains why you think falcons are red).
Reason #1: Center for Disease Control (CDC). This is one that the feds got right. They put the primary bureaucracy responsible for all sorts of disgusting, horrible infectious diseases in the middle of Germ Central, i.e. Atlanta. The reasoning for this was that if any hideously disfiguring disease ever got loose into the locale, nobody would notice.
Reason #2: Peachtree Lemonade Stand. Central Georgia is well known for naming cities after inbred relatives and railroads/railroad folk, including the name Atlanta. Everything else is named Peachtree. Got an ugly kid? Name her Peachtree. The funny part about this is that the name “Peachtree” was a mistake, taken from the long-ago swindled Creek and Cherokee Indian word for pine trees (they mispronounced “pitch” as “peach”). So when you hear an Atlanta native calling his wife/daughter a peach, he’s really calling her a sappy stick with deformed, needle-like leaves.
Reason #3: Downtown Redevelopment and City Planning. Everyone knows about the great San Francisco earthquake and fire of 1906, and the great Chicago fire of 1871, when they finally learned how to cook a steak well done. But did you know about the great fire in Atlanta in 1917? Showing complete denial in learning anything from those other fires, much of the city of Atlanta was built from sappy pitch (not peach) pine, which turned out to be a great fuel source for fires. The Atlanta fire department stepped up to do its part in destroying the city, using dynamite to try to put out the fire.
Reason #4: Chief Exports. Atlanta’s chief export (besides goobers, as I discussed in a previous post) is exports. Yes, Atlanta was built to be a hub city for railroads. It has it’s own Golden Spike, which I believe was actually made of pine. So their major export is exporting. As if it wasn’t enough to ruin the southern railroad system, Atlanta became the central hub in the south for airlines as well. You can’t go anywhere in the south without flying through Atlanta. As I’m sure traveling Saints fans have discovered, you can’t even go to Atlanta without changing planes in Atlanta.
Reason #5: Coca Cola. Everyone has heard the rumor that Coke used to actually have cocaine in it. Well, that’s no rumor—it’s the fact. Coke was invented right after Prohibition was passed, because the good citizens of Atlanta figured they needed a new drug dependency to substitute for alcohol. The Coke flavoring in fact came from coca leaves. So you can think of Atlanta as the first official drug dealer of the South. Now I can see where some of you might be thinkin’, well, that’s no reason to hate Atlanta. Problem is, they didn’t think ahead to preserve their drug dealership, so the Feds made them stop dealing cocaine. So now they use “spent” coca leaves to get the flavoring, after first stripping the cocaine for “medicinal” purposes. Kinda like decaffeinated coffee and “near beer”—a ghost of what used to be. Of course, they made up for the loss of the cocaine with copious amounts of sugar. Just what all southern bubbas need--Type-II Diabetes.
Reason #6: Dave Choate. Most fans think of this guy as the folksy, respectful, polite Falcoholic that corresponds with CSC. But after reading some of his more alarming posts with comments like “Bippity Boppity Boo” and “Heavens to Betsy,” I started doing some background investigation. It turns out he doesn’t really exist! He is a creation of the Evil Incarnate, much like the Rolling Stones “Sympathy for the Devil.” He is nothing more than the figments of imagination you occasionally see in TV ads, writing posts like “Five Questions” to either misdirect any Saints players/personnel who may be reading, or gleaning small tidbits of intelligence for his “Dirty Bird” overlords. I mean, think about the name “Falcoholic”—isn’t the true name “Demon Rum”?