OK, fellow Saints fans, I admit it’s hard to generate some red meat-hatred for this week’s game, what with missing the play-offs and watching Goodell’s own lawyer say what an ass he was. But the Saints do have to play this game before going directly to the draft, and if nothing else it will be a great opportunity for the back-ups to play. Just think, if we tank to Tampax and they end up beating Minnie-so-cold for the final play-off berth, wouldn’t that be sweet? So what follows are 6 lame-ass reasons to hate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which are appropriate considering how lame-ass Tampa is. Feel free to add your own reasons in the comments section. If you don’t know any good reasons, make ‘em up! I sure did. If you are too thin-skinned to handle this post, then I suggest you stay at home and learn how to fill out a voting ballot, and how to trim those nasty Hanging Chads.
Reason #1: Falcon Wanna-bees. It was bad enough watching Bobby Hebert and Morten Andersen go to Atlanta, but now you have to steal our best OG and our farm team’s best receiver? If you think the best way to beat the Saints is to become the Saints, then I suggest you fire up the old Bounty System—trust me, no problems there, the Commissioner will thank you for helping with his concussion lawsuit defense. We got just the DC for ya!
Reason #2: What’s in a Name? Any other team would name themselves after the city or the state where they play, but not the Buccaneers. They’re named after a glorified salt-water swamp, where fishing lines need be no longer than 30-feet. George Steinbrenner (probably the most famous citizen from Tampa) owned a shipyard there, but it must have a yard that builds those little boats that go in the bottles, considering how shallow it is. They had to use the word “Buccaneers” because better words such as “Raiders”, “Pirates”, and “Retirees” were already taken.
Reason #3: Historically Boring. I even scrounged Wikipedia for information, but apparently nothing happened in Tampa before 1900. It’s rumored that Andrew Jackson wandered by 100-miles away, but the Seminole Indians just ignored him and retired to Miami. As it turns out, apparently nothing happened in Tampa after 1900 either. They tried to hold a Republican Convention there recently, but it rained, so they didn’t nominate a presidential candidate.
Reason #4: Chief Exports. Tampa’s chief exports are corrupt lotteries, mosquitos, and Jon Gruden rumors. Now don’t get me wrong—a few recent crappy IV’s have taught me the value of a good blood-sucker, but I’m sick and tired of rumors about where Gruden is going to coach next. How about Dallas? Everyone is rumored to be going there, er, damn.
Reason #5: Keeping your Eye on the Ball. There is a long causeway/bridge that crosses Tampa Bay, with a raised arch to let small ships past, kind of like Lake Pontchartrain. They started building it at both ends with the intent to meet up in the middle. While it was being built, someone finally looked up and noticed the two ends were not going to come together. I think they should put a 5-yard offset in the football field to celebrate their surveying prowess.
Reason #6: Greg Schiano. For a league populated with narcissistic head coaches, this guy takes Prick-dom to a new level. His favorite stunt is having his defensive line crash kneel-downs at the end of the game. I think every Tampa opponent should try to run the score up as much as possible, and every crashed kneel-down should earn Schiano a groin kick from an offensive lineman. Gee, if we only had a commissioner who was concerned about player safety and eliminating needless, dangerous stunts like this.