We’ll be needing some extra hate for this game against the NY Giants this week since we’re on the edge of falling out of the playoffs. So to give you guys some red meat to help get your game faces on, I am providing six reasons to hate the New Yawk Giants. Feel free to add your own in the comments section. If you don’t know any good reasons, make ‘em up! I sure did. And if you are a thin-skinned horn-honking, economy-destroying, funny-talking New Yawker, then stay home and play with your Lady Liberty dolls.
Reason #1: A Manning did what? I can understand why Eli would get a bug up his butt about not playing for the Saints farm team, but why didn’t he insist on going to New Orleans instead of New York? Is there a hunting limit? Are the Saints limited to one Manning? Can’t stand living in the same town as his parents? Face it, red-necks don’t fit in New York, and he’s not even the most popular quarterback in town—they prefer that hayseed from Florida, since that’s where all New Yawkers go to retire and die.
Reason #2: Geographically Challenged. When you’re named after one of the 50 states (actually, one of the original 13 colonies), you’re, like, supposed to actually play in that state. I don’t care how much the syndicate paid you to stomp around on Jimmy Hoffa’s grave, it’s just plain silly to play in a stadium in New Jersey. When the Colts moved from Baltimore to Indianapolis, they at least had the good sense to change their name. New York has given up its football team and now Ellis Island—what’s next, Brooklyn? (no, we don’t want it)
Reason #3: Biggest Real Estate Scam Ever. New York was home to the Great Unholy Alliance between realtors and lawyers when some miscreant dropped a couple rugs and beads out of his wagon, and the lawyers said that constituted fair payment for the city of New York. No wonder they started putting arrows into every paleface they could find.
Reason #4: Chief Exports. New York’s principal contributions to the rest of the country are crooked politics and loud-mouthed cabbies. Yes, I know that political affliction is now centralized in Washington DC, but don’t forget that NYC was the capital from 1785 to 1790. Tammany Hall is considered the pinnacle of local crooked politics, and Diamond Jim Brady was considered the pinnacle of personal excess. Diamond Jim is believed to have been the first (and last) owner of a car in NYC that was not stolen or sold to pay off parking tickets. And if you’ve ever taken 800 cab rides in NYC, you’d know that 800 different languages are spoken there.
Reason #5: Wall Street. Wall Street is a dreary, rat-infested (four and two leg variety) avenue in Manhattan that is populated with every large stock brokerage, bank, and insurance company in the world. The buildings tower over the street literally, much like they tower figuratively over the world’s economy. The only honest businesses on the street are the hot dog vendors that sell rat meat back to the rats. Is it any wonder the city had 10 Yellow Fever epidemics in the 1700’s (I wonder which breed of rat was responsible). I never understood why al-Qaeda didn’t go after Wall Street instead of the World Trade Center, until I saw those banker-bastards almost destroy the world’s economy on their own with a bunch of derivative get-richer-quick insurance scam instruments.
Reason #6: Yankees. Yeah, yeah, I know, that’s baseball, but they are the most hated professional sports team ever. For good reason. Their philosophy is if they don’t have the best, they can always buy it and act like they’re great. Their greatest hero? Babe Ruth, bought from Boston for about the same amount of money as the city was bought for. Juiced ball players? No Problem! Wife-swapping pitchers? No Problem! Sex-Offender pitcher? (or was that an outside linebacker?) No Problem!