Each week Canal Street Chronicles ranks all 32 NFL teams from best to worst. Teams are ranked 1 through 32, with the first team being able to beat the second on a neutral field. The second team could beat the third team, who could beat the fourth, and then they could beat the fifth place team, and so on. You get the idea.
1. Houston Texans (11-1): As long as they hold onto home field throughout the playoffs, they're the team to beat. "Way to go out on a limb, Held!" you might say. Let me ask you this: would you trust the Texans on the road at Foxboro (sorry, "Gillette Stadium") against the Patriots in January? Uh-huh.
2. New England Patriots (9-3): Now that Drew Brees' streak of games with a touchdown pass has ended, I look forward to the impending media slurpage as Brady continues his march. Drew and the fans won't even get a full season to bask in this one. And that sucks. Hard.
3. Atlanta Falcons (11-1*): If there were an NFC team with 10 wins, I'd have them ahead of these clowns, just on principle. You need an opposing QB to have the WORST GAME OF HIS CAREER in your OWN BUILDING to only win by ten points? Yeah, good luck bringing that junk into the playoffs.
4. Denver Broncos (9-3): I might root for them out of the AFC this postseason. a) even if the Colts make the playoffs, their fans will STILL find a way to weep about Peyton Manning still having "it" and how it's a shame they let him go; b) it'll make the Tebowmaniacs apoplectic to see the Broncos succeed without "his holiness" in the backfield; and c) the Texans (fans, coaches, even players) would play the entire game waiting for the other shoe to drop against no. 18. That'd be pretty damn hilarious.
5. Green Bay Packers (8-4): The Pope is on Twitter and solicited questions from the Twitterverse. This will not NOT be funny. And for the record, my favorites are 1, 4, 5, 7, 18 and 23. Oooooh, I've got a Powerball ticket now!
6. Baltimore Ravens (9-3): So I've finished Assassin's Creed III and you know what? Kinda "meh." Yeah, killing redcoats is fine and all, but it's just not the same as going after the Borgias in 15th century Italy.
7. San Francisco 49ers (8-3-1): I started Sunday's Niners-Rams game rooting exclusively for the Rams. Once overtime hit, I was rooting for another tie. I wanted as much chaos as possible. But hey, losing to the Rams will do just nicely. Anybody else hoping the Niners stick with Colin Kaepernick, lose more games, and then Alex Smith decides, "F this, I wanna be traded," in the off-season? Yeah, good times.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5): Here's something depressing: Big Ben returns for the Steelers next week. Now here's something REALLY depressing: Charlie Batch had to put his 5-year-old dog to sleep because of cancer. Guh.
10. Indianapolis Colts (8-4): Andrew Luck was burying the Colts with his performance, then turned it around at the end and saved the day with late-game heroics. I remember when the Saints QB used to do that... (/stares out window. sighs.)
12. Washington Redskins (6-6): They split the season series with the Giants and are behind them in the division. So why do I have them ranked ahead of the Giants here? Well, RGIII played his ass off in Game 1 and came up just short. In this game, RG3 wasn't even the best guy on the field and his team won because of the running game and his defense just shut the Giants down. On a neutral field, I think RGIII is playing better than he did on MNF and that's the difference maker.
13. New York Giants (7-5): The Giants are in danger of losing the division and missing out on the playoffs OUTRIGHT. Now that I've said that, I expect the G-Men to go 3-1 in the last 4 games and make the postseason.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (7-5): So Hope Solo got married to accused rapist and generally all-around swell chap Jerramy Stevens, the latter of whom was arrested the day before they were going to tie the knot. For some type of domestic disturbance. They'd been dating for just a few months.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-6): And while I'm on the subject of ladies getting together with jabronies, apparently Rihanna is back with that DB (that's not "defensive back") who beat her up. Yeah, that's wise.
16. Minnesota Vikings (6-6): And since I've been talking about poor decisions by women, I might as well try and even things up by chastising a guy for his decision making. Christian Ponder got engaged to ESPN reporter Samantha Steele earlier this week. She's 26 and he's 24. Yeah, great age to be getting married. You're entering the second year of your career as an NFL quarterback and you're going to tie yourself down already? I mean, it's obvious the dude outkicked his coverage when it comes to landing a wife, but this has Bad Idea Jeans written all over it. But hey, good for them, I guess...Hope it lasts.
17. St. Louis Rams (5-6-1): So during our Falcons preview podcast with Ralph and Dave, I was stunned to learn that not only has Dave failed to see a James Bond flick, but he's also never seen a single 'Godfather' film. The Italian guy from New York? Never seen a 'Godfather' movie? That's like me saying I don't own any U2 albums and don't enjoy pints of Guinness while reading Flannery O'Connor or James Joyce. Yes, I own several U2 albums, in spite of Bono these days. And yes, I NEED my Guinness because have YOU TRIED reading James Joyce? Holy hell, that stuff is DENSE. I was just expecting 'The Dubliners' to be filled with potato recipes. BA-ZING!
18. New Orleans Saints (5-7): (* - HIGH FIVE, WANG, amirite?) Anywho...Boy, ol' Drew Brees sure played himself out of the MVP conversation these last two weeks, didn't he? Of course, now you got some damn fools taking to Twitter and other modes of communication to say Drew Brees is overpaid and not worth the contract. Unbelievable. I'd blow a gasket RIGHT NOW, but sadly I'm not allowed to drop the requisite amount of F-bombs needed to convey my disapproval of this "opinion." I'll do it on the podcast. (Note: We call this, "a tease.")
19. Dallas Cowboys (6-6): Hey, you see Lincoln, yet? Go see Lincoln. It's really good. Yes, this is turning into a Larry King column. I don't care. I was appointed Master of Non-Sequitor in college. There was going to be a ceremony for it and everything, but I left to go do something else.
20. Miami Dolphins (5-7): So Uproxx went ahead and tackled the Samsung Galaxy 'sex tape' commercial, but didn't go far enough. I took to Twitter weeks ago and engaged in a debate about not only the contents of the wife's "video" for her husband, but also the more important question, "how soon before he inevitably shows it to somebody?" One of my twitter followers (HUMBLEBRAG!) said the husband just waited until the cab turned the corner before looking at it and showing the cabbie to boot. I suggested that maybe the husband is going to a conference somewhere and this will give him something to enjoy in the evening instead of having to walk around downtown Des Moines or where ever. My friend said, "no way, he's going to Vegas for bachelor party, and he's getting tanked and showing all his buddies." But why would any guy show a nude pic of wife to another dude, ESPECIALLY his friends? They're going to see her in the future. Why would you put THAT thought in your friends' heads? Hell, why you put THAT thought of the thought in your friends heads inside your own head???? The twitter friend then suggested that perhaps the wife was telling him she was filing for divorce and this video was going to show her rocking the milkman's world. Good Lord, doesn't anybody believe in romance anymore?!? Can't a wife make a crude sex tape for her husband on what I can only assume is an easily hackable device these days??? But I digress...
Buffalo Toronto Bills (5-7): I made the name change in honor of the team's game in Canada this weekend. It'd be a crushing blow if the team were to move to Toronto full-time. Buffaloans (?) don't deserve that.
22. Detroit Lions (4-8): Say folks, I'm going to take the next several teams off and just kinda half-ass my way through the rest of this post, so I offer to you a Kate Upton video:
23. Tennessee Titans (4-8)
24. New York Jets (5-7)
25. Cleveland Browns (4-8)
26. San Diego Chargers (4-8)
27. Carolina Panthers (3-9)
28. Arizona Cardinals (4-8): The Cardinals have lost 8 in a row. Their coach probably shouldn't be fired.
29. Philadelphia Eagles (3-9): The Eagles have lost 8 in a row. Their coach probably should be fired.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10)
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10)
32. Oakland Raiders (3-9)