The Saints and the Falcons will gear up to play what was once thought to be an important NFC South matchup, but is now considered more a formality as New Orleans and Carolina battle for division supremacy. We all know why Atlanta is such a terrible franchise but surprisingly, not many people do. That's why Canal Street Chronicles is here to give you the low down on why exactly you should despise a team that had to pay Samuel L. Jackson to root for it.
The Fans: Or at least what's left of them, after most have jumped off the bandwagon this season to root for the
Braves Hawks Heat. Atlanta fans are the worst because they don't show up until the Falcons are having a great season, then jump off the ship at the first sign of disaster faster than a band of Somalian pirates. Your typical Atlanta fan still rocks a Michael Vick jersey to the Georgia Dome and honestly believe he did nothing wrong. They sport dirty cargo shorts with ALL the pockets filled with water bottles of cheap vodka and a couple of spare syringes "just in case." They think tailgating is what you do when some HIPPY LIB'RUL gives you road rage on the freeway. And the only time they get loud is when a Saints player is injured on the field. Falcons fans are the worst.
The Stadium: The Georgia Dome is pretty awful but it's only 21 years old. So why has team owner and Count Chocula look-a-like Arthur Blank been able to secure $200 million in public funds to build a brand new stadium that looks like a giant sphincter? That's right, the taxpayers of Atlanta are being forced to pay for an enormous stadium that will be emptier than Roddy White's soul after Week 6 every single season. That thing looks like an alien spacecraft from planet NFC South Third Place Contenders.
The Team: The Falcons are the only team in the history of the world with as much pure talent as they have and nothing to show for it. Head coach Mike Smith (or fat Steve Martin, as I like to call him) had done a great job of not screwing things up in the regular season until this year, finally solidifying his spot as one of the most overrated human beings of the 21st century. Matt Ryan is the only quarterback in the league who calls audibles in a girlier voice than Tom Brady. Hearing him squeal "MERCEDES MERCEDES" at the line of scrimmage will make any man shudder in disappointment. And don't even get me started on the nickname. Matty Ice. More like Matty Spice. He's a girl. You can't convince me otherwise. Plus, the Falcons gave him $59 million in guaranteed money. That's more than enough to buy an adam's apple. Roddy White, on the other hand, looks like the Predator and acts like Predator's moody, overbearing girlfriend. This is a guy who honestly said New Orleans won a Super Bowl "by the grace of God so that city wouldn't fall apart." He talks more shit than a colonoscopy doctor and has nothing to show for it but a bootleg Atlanta Falcons NFC Championship shirt he bought on Craigslist Kenya last March. I would say something about the Falcons' D but I honestly can't even name one player. This whole team is a trainwreck, and not even a fun one.
So there you have it. It's Atlanta Falcons Hate Week, and if you didn't have a reason to before, you're eyes have hopefully been opened. If not, you must be an Atlanta fan, in which case I'll see you in the Independence Bowl when Georgia comes to Shreveport. Ouch.
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