FanPost

FUN WITH CANCER

"Uncle Ship, we know your pen is mightier than all the swords around here, thicker and longer. But you haven't written in ages, and your last article was some lame play on "Comma Manifesto."

"Well, pull up a chair there little Johnny, and let's not tell your dad how big Uncle Ship's pen is." "Jim-Bob, you look plump full of 0+ blood, so you pull up a chair extra-close in case ‘Ol Uncle Ship needs a little snack."

"After the Saints lost to those finger-snappin' pansies from New York that actually play in New Jersey, your parents have agreed to let me tell you a funny story to lift your spirits, provided the two knuckle-draggers in back stay for the whole story so there's no problem like last time." Since Uncle Ship prefers life in Diagon Alley, we'll put this in Fan Post.

"I'm about to tell you boys a true story about his trip to the hospital last week. Uncle Ship doesn't normally like to talk about personal issues, but this one's just too funny to pass up, plus Uncle Ship was able to tie this into football as he made his piece with Matty Shartz."

Episode 4: Ship Enters the Twilight Zone.

"It all started on the Ides of Halloween. Uncle Ship headed down to the Lamereaux Justice Center for a Mandatory Settlement Conference. This is where nesting couples in Orange County go to get their wings shorn and lives separated. In my case, I'm trying to get rid of the Evil Ginger Bitch Monster (no, Johnny, not Roger Goodell, the other four-flushing lying blood sucker in my life-yeah, the one that weighs about 300-lbs and screams like a banshee). I wasn't feeling that good, so I had my son drive me there, as I figured he'd have some natural immunity having passed law school and taken the Bar. As we entered the City Drive, it was really weird, because all the lighter surfaces were refracting light in a funny way, and we couldn't even read the street signs, no matter which way we were driving. I guess it was like that movie series Twilight, but I'm not sure because I like my vampire movies with actors/actresses in them. Anyway, there were some discussions and arguments, until the woman judge explained that the separation clever she'd be using on me would remove pretty much anything hanging between my legs. So hand-over-crotch, I left the Lack-of-Justice Center, although Uncle Ship couldn't read the instructions for paying for parking, and he probably paid twice by mistake."

Episode 5: Ship Goes to the Doctor without an Appointment.

"A morning spent in the land of soul-less lawyers left your Uncle Ship feeling worn-down and short of wind and energy, kinda like he feels after spending the night chasing women. So instead of heading home, I told my boy to take me to the oncologist's office so they could check if I still had any blood left in me. When I walked into the office, all the nurses were staring at me, even the cute ones. I thought they were just surprised that I'd try to walk in and see a doctor without an appointment, but turns out they thought I looked a little pale. I am white-haven't they ever heard the expression ‘pale-face'? They took me directly to a separate office to draw blood, which left all the other 40 over-60 patients rattling their walkers and canes because I had jumped in line. Turns out my body was that glass-half-empty you always hear people talking about, because my hemogoblin was half of normal. I guess this really didn't surprise me after walking through the Twilight saga, but it was kinda funny. All the nurses at this office top out at about 4'-11 and 90 pounds, and none of them wanted to be near me in case I fell on them. That trick used to work a lot better at parties when I was younger. They sent me over to Hoag Emergency so I could get blood quicker, as the main hospital couldn't get me a room before 2:30pm.

Episode 6: Ship plays Captain Pike.

"My boy drove me over to Hoag Emergency. They have valet parking, no s***! So I go in, get signed in, and the nurse tells me how lucky I am that the shift change is taking place at noon and I should be seen right away. Now I'm not sayin' that nurse was lyin', but I suspect her name was Pinnochio and her nose kept getting longer. So she dumps me in a wheel chair and pushes me over to the window out of the way, and says someone will be along soon to help. Well, this was the perfect opportunity to play Captain Pike, a game named after an episode of Star Trek. Yes, that's way before your time, Johnny. Now you and your kin have that slack-jawed look all natural-like, but I can mimic that with a little practice. So I sit there, slack-jawed, and go ‘beep-beep' occasionally just to see if anyone's watching. They weren't. So about an hour and a half later, when the Doctors and nurses wandered back in from their long "shift change", I finally got taken back into Emergency. The ER Doctor is a good lookin' young guy with curly golden hair, who I started calling ‘Goldilocks.' He almost looks as good as your Uncle Ship."

Episode 7: Ship Says the Wrong Thing.

"When they get me back into emergency, they finally start giving me some blood, about 2:45. Or 15 minutes after the main hospital was going to be able to do the same thing. Anyway, they're asking me a bunch of questions when I slip up and say the wrong thing-‘Have you had any blood in your stool?' ‘Well, actually, yeah, I saw a drop or two this morning.' It was like all time stopped, and suddenly a dozen Meerkat heads popped up-Stool?! Blood?! Colonoscopy?! Endoscopy?! Anal Probe?! Squirrel?! [Meerkats are like Nutria, except with better posture and grooming.] I knew then that I had said the wrong thing, and was going to pay a heavy price. In no time flat, ‘Goldilocks' had me flipped on my side and his hand up my ass faster than ol Uncle Ship could say ‘rape.' I think all those adoring nurses are going to be disappointed, because no straight doctor can move like that. NTTAWWT. Anyway, he says that yes a test says there is some blood, and they're going to admit me to the main hospital to stick a tube up my ass and down my throat (I'm just hoping they are separate tubes). Johnny, I know your cousin Lambert talks about getting snatched by aliens, but I think it was hospital folk behind all those anal probes."

Episode 8: Ship prepares for the Worst.

"After getting a couple units of blood, your Uncle Ship starts feeling mighty hungry, and threatens to swipe somebody's lunch if they don't feed him. The people in ER tell me they're admitting me to the main Hospital (which also has valet parking), and dinner would be waiting for me. Well, that was just another one of those ER fibs, ‘cause when Uncle Ship gets up to the 6th floor, there's a food tray waiting for him. Just as I start to dig in, the nurses come in and say I can't eat. Instead they give me a huge jug of the worst-tasting snake oil you've ever seen. They offer to mix in some colorin' so you can pretend it's lemonade or something, but it doesn't help. So your poor old Uncle Ship has to start drinking this 2-gallon jug of crap. It's intended to turn your guts into a Slip-N-Slide for every turd and food lump that's formed in the last several days. They say the objective is to clean everything out so they can take great photos, but great photos are somethin' you take on vacation, not a turd ride up your a**hole. I think it's just a form of torture.

Episode 9: Krakatoa!

"For all you young'uns who still read Texas-approved history books, Krakatoa was a volcanic mountain in Indonesia that blew up in 1883. It was the loudest eruption ever, and was heard up to 3,000-miles away. Now what was about to happen to your Uncle Ship was not that big, but it could be considered an offspring, or Krakatua. As the night wore on and your Uncle Ship continued to drink the 2-gallong jug of snake oil, he began to fall asleep due to lack of having anything to eat. Now, normally, it's a good idea to get any sleep you can in a hospital, but there is one exception, and this was it. Due to the number of IV lines and body sensors attached to your Uncle Ship, he was pretty much contained at the center of a spider web in his bed. The nurses said they would come when called, and help your Uncle Ship get out of this tangle when he ‘needed to go,' but Uncle Ship recognized the amount of time this would require, and took the wise precaution of having a temporary ‘Johnny' placed next to the bed (yes, Lil Johnny, you were named after this device). So long about midnight, Uncle Ship started to nod off under the influence of starvation and the 2-gallons of snake oil. All of a sudden, your Uncle Ship felt a great disturbance in the force, waking him up and sending him headlong to the Lil Johnny. But because he had fallen asleep, your poor old Uncle Ship failed to make a complete transition before the explosion occurred, and the result was s*** everywhere-on and in Lil Johnny, the floor, the furniture, your Uncle Ship's underwear, the wall, everything. Later that night there were a dozen minor follow-on explosions that were mostly contained, but nothing like the original Krakatuan blast."

"Now anyone who knows your Uncle Ship very well knows he delights in telling the story of how Matty Shartz got the s*** knocked out of him by a Saints D-lineman, leaving a nice skid-mark on his pretty Falcon's uniform. But after experiencing the explosive power of 2-gallons of snake oil on his digestive track, Uncle Ship is willing to forgive and forget Matty Shartz's biggest moment in Saints history. Unless the Falcon's Fans start talking trash.

Episode 10: Nurses' Revenge.

"It took the hospital staff a long time to arrange clean-up efforts after the original explosion, and none of them looked very happy about it. Come the morning and a true appreciation of the extent of devastation, the nurses got their revenge. The head nurse came in and explained that the clarity of recent ‘run-off" did not meet their photography standards for a**holes, and that supplementary clean-outs, called ‘enemas' would be required. Your poor ol' Uncle Ship tried to fend off these additional assaults by pleading ignorance of how an enema was done, but the nurses were determined in their revenge and explained that since they were an ISO-9000 organization, and that they had back-up procedures for performing enemas on patients that were unwilling or incapable of violating themselves. They were able to ‘squeeze in' several enemas before Uncle Ship was dragged off to the catacombs to get his colonoscopy and Endoscopy."

Episode 11: Ship learns about Modern Medicine.

"After the a**hole explorers were forced to admit that Uncle Ship's blood problems were not due to bleeding into his gut, one of his doctors decided the problem was with his internal blood production, and a Bone Marrow Biopsy would be required to prove this. Now a Bone Marrow Biopsy is normally performed in a CT Scan machine to help guide the bone-piercing needle and with superior drugs to minimize pain, Uncle Ship's insurance plan only provided for some local anesthetic and a pre-sterilized kit of surgical instruments. So as Uncle Ship lay on his stomach while his doctor and another hospital intern performed this procedure, he was able to hear how many instruments were missing, and listen to the intern run off to find them, somewhat like a scavenger hunt. I will never understand how the Chinese can perfect such a complicated procedure as acupuncture, but can't put together the tools, components, or instructions to assemble a child's toy."

Episode 12: Ship Checks Out.

"After your Uncle Ship had his bone marrow biopsy and a couple chest X-Rays for no discernable reason, he decided it was time to check out of Comedy Central. It was a Saturday, no tests were scheduled for the weekend, and all his blood numbers had stabilized. The Bone Marrow Biopsy final results were not back, and it just seemed like time to leave. But there were 2 obstacles that would have to be cleared. Not Pissing and S***ing, as I had already done that. The first problem was a staff doctor, a young female who insisted I stay in the hospital because I had Lukemia (well, that turned out to be true) and Pneumonia (complete bulls***). Fortunately, I was able to use a little piece of knowledge that the nurses had accidentally slipped earlier, that the hospital was an ISO-9000 organization. Now this is a very complicated quality assurance program and difficult to explain. It's kinda like your parents making you sing and dance for your fruity neighbors, and still getting a lump of coal in your stocking at Christmas. Anyway, your Uncle Ship was able to point out that the intern's wild claims were not supported by any final test results, and that I was more than willing and able to conduct a complete audit of medical reports the rest of the day. Or she could just call the staff doctor and my Oncologist to find out it was okay for me to leave. She chose the latter."

"The second problem might prove more difficult."

"(Ring-Ring-Ring)." "Yes, Uncle Ship here."

"Mister Ship, this is the Food Police (or nutrition control, or head food slopper, or whoever)! We have a little problem." (Uh-oh. Guess I was expecting this call. They kept sending up food that I didn't want and didn't like, and I kept sending it back rearranged into porno pictures. Now I'm not much of an artist, so I figured they just hadn't undstood the pictures so far.) "We've been sending up 1800-calorie balanced meals, and you haven't been eating much of them. What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, the fact is I don't like your food. You send me scrambled eggs with no diced ham or onions, and without any salt, pepper, or Tobassco sauce. That's just heathen. But guess what-an answer has just presented itself. I'm getting discharged, and I've already ordered a large Rubino's pizza with mushrooms, onions, and Italian sausage. Chiao!"

Next Episode: Ship Returns to Hell


This FanPost was written by a reader and member of Canal Street Chronicles. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CSC and its staff or editors.

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