Many have wondered "why are the Saints so bad on the road" when the question all along should have been "are the Saints too good at home?"
Recent breaking news emphatically answers this question. According to an inside source, the league has been investigating the Saints once again, and they have found a serious and astounding violation with the Superdome itself. The league has privately confirmed that the Superdome has been found to operate under the influence of PEDs or Performance Enhancing Devices.
Simply put, the device in question is a highly sophisticated transmitter that emits radio waves into the collars of Saints player's jerseys that greatly enhances their physical and mental abilities. It is this, that gives the Saints such an overwhelming and unfair advantage over the opposition at home. They effectively manufactured one of the great homefield advantages in the history of the league.
The following are excerpts from the league's investigative report, provided by an anonymous league source. It is confirmation of the aforementioned device by its creator, Dr. Richard Weede of Eastern Illinois University.
Dr. Weede is the lead architect on "Project Marvel", which was the codename for the device in question. He and his research team have come forward to admit the improper use of technology to give a team an unfair advantage in our fair sport.
Dr. Weede: "I've known Sean (Payton) since our college days here at EIU, and in the fall of 2008 he asked me for a favor in exchange for cash, a lifetime worth of season tickets, and a potential Super Bowl ring. He and his celebrity friends funded the project, which has been my lifelong ambition to create.
People always assume that physical enhancement has to come from chemicals, serums, or drugs, but for decades I've believed it could be done through electronics. Radio waves tapping into the mind to enhance the body. Sean helped me realize my dream, and he benefited too, of course.
I cannot disclose the nuances of how the device works because the government and the military are now owners of my technology. I can tell you how it came together though, it's rather brilliant. The device had been in development since October of 2008, after Sean contacted me. He said he needed a way to make a very good team great, and he asked about my 'old crazy idea from school'. I told him 'with funding, I can make a great team unstoppable'.
The biggest obstacle that I could not overcome was the size of the transmitter. The thing is massive, and could not be transported from city to city, and it could not be concealed on the sidelines. In the end, we both agreed that it had to be permanently stored in the Superdome, making it only useful for home games. We just needed to find a way to get it in the dome undetected, and find an inconspicuous receiver for the transmitted radio waves. Thankfully a perfect set of circumstances presented themselves in 2011."
It is here that the improbable plan is revealed.
"Two developments allowed "Project Marvel" to finally come to fruition in 2011. First, Nike developed and implemented an new NFL uniform league-wide that year. It was with this where I found my receiver for the device, the collar, that ugly FlyWire™ collar. As I said before, I can't explain how it works, but it does work. Fans have wondered why the Saints have stuck with that terrible half-collar when 90% of the league got rid of them, well, there's their answer.
Second, and most importantly, The Superdome began to undergo major renovations to the field level in 2011, this was the perfect opportunity to plant the device. We were able to take in a crew with forged documentation and install the device under what is now Section 140, on the Saints' sideline. Only Sean and my team knew what was underneath that aluminum and concrete.
"Project Marvel" officially came online on September 18, 2011 and has worked remarkably ever since. Interestingly enough, we found the device operates at nearly twice the desired output after dark. The only drawback was that it uses an incredible amount of power, and it had to be hardwired into the dome's main power source. The only glitch we found was incremental signal interference due to a transmitter inside Mickey Loomis' suite."
This is how it all began to unravel.
"I received a call from Sean on February 3rd of this year, he was out of breath and clearly running as he was talking. He kept yelling 'How do I turn it off! How do I turn the damn thing off!'. To backtrack a little, we turned off the device when Sean was suspended in 2012, as to not attract any suspicion. Unfortunately, the only way to shut the device down is to reset the Superdome's main power supply. We found a great opportunity when Entergy came in to install a relay, they did the work for us without knowing it. The device wouldn't come back online until January 1, 2013.
Well, after the fact, Sean told me he was watching the Super Bowl incognito, from a bar just blocks from the Superdome. He was pretty surprised Joe Flacco was torching the vaunted 49er defense for the entire first half, playing like Drew Brees himself. It wasn't until the second half kickoff was returned for a touchdown and the rout was on, that he realized what was happening. He looked at Jacoby Jones celebrating in the end zone with his teammates, all of them wearing that black half-collar, that ugly uniform decision that all but the Saints, Ravens and few else still used.
He told me his heart sank as the realization sunk in, then he bolted out of the bar and called me. I told him the only way to turn it off was to cut the power, all of the power. He said he made a deal with a familiar security guard to let him in, he made his way to the Superdome's main power grid early in the 3rd quarter, and the rest is Super Bowl history.
After the Super Bowl reset, the device came back online for Week 1 of this season, and although it was still warming up, it was running at full hum by Week 3. Investigators contacted me yesterday after the Rams game because they've seen enough to realize something out of the ordinary has been going on in the Superdome, and they've been watching us since the Super Bowl fiasco. Now the whole operation is being shut down."
There you have the real reason for the Saints' dominance in the Superdome. It's not that they're worse on the road, it's that they're superhuman at home.
When Roger Goodell was asked why Seattle's CenturyLink Field was not under investigation considering their unbelievable advantage, he responded: "C'mon now, 12th Man™ baby!"
Before leaving the podium he stepped back and yelled into the microphone the phrase: "I'm Dat! Dat's Who!". What a tool.
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