Mocking the Draft

We have reached the point in the NFL year where all posts are related to the upcoming slave auction draft. We have also learned that CC58, Aliburton, Jeff, and several others have stayed awake 36/7 watching every college player from every team and 7-11, and have burrowed into the minds of every NFL team to figure out who will draft who, and what crappy options will be left for the Saints.

To investigate this “Mocking the Draft” phenomena, I first went to the American Heritage Dictionary (no socialist quiche-eating Oxford dictionary for me!) to see what the word actually means. They define “Mock (mocked, mocking, mocks) ” as “to treat with ridicule or contempt”, or as a noun, something deserving of derision. All the other definitions are similar. They do also list “Mock-up” as a model, usually full sized, but that’s not the word everyone uses in their post.

Conclusion: These people are screwing with us because they figure we’re too lazy to check the dictionary.

Given this knowledge, I will now proceed to Mock the Draft in the only appropriate way. Before listing my draft selections, I must first address the basis for selection: Need? or Best Player Available? This one is easy. You don’t pay hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars to someone you don’t need.

And now, after thousands of careful nano-seconds of research and investigation, I present my Mock Draft:

1st Round

It’s fun to take a swipe at a first round pick. Thanks to the Ginger Grinch for placing Payton on an island before he could trade it away. The Saints biggest need as they transition to a 3-4 defense is in the Defensive Line, needing both a true Nose Tackle and a younger Defensive End on the Will Smith side. I therefore predict the Saints will select Blubba Trencher from Cornbelt University. Blubba is 5’-1” tall 6’-3” wide across the shoulders, and weighs 468-lbs, allowing him to play both the NT and DE positions, simultaneously. Although Blubba scored the first negative score for the Vertical Leap test at the combine (1” up, 3” down in the resulting pot-holes), the Saints think he will finally be the answer against the run. Although Rob Ryan is salivating over the possibility of running a 2-5, he is concerned about whether they can get Blubba off the field in less than 30 seconds.

2nd Round

Since the Saints usually lose their second round picks by trading them away, selecting medical basket cases, or offending the Ginger Grinch, the Saints will not be selecting a football player. After reviewing their organizational needs, the Saints have decided to select Redi Killiwha?. Redi is an IT/Power systems manager who should be able to avoid the recent debacles of a hard-line communication connection from the locker room to Loomis, and having the Superbowl power outage come during the game versus during the Ginger Grinch’s speech. Redi stands 5’-4” with a corrected vision of 600-20 and a 23rd level at Tomb Raider.

3rd Round

After having missed all the good OT’s in the first round because other teams took them on the basis of NEED, the Saints will look at picking a wide body in this round. You know, one of those guys that looks like a Sumo wrestler but stinks like a bee. The Saints will therefore select Bill Boardus from Paper Mache University in Toronto. Standing 5’-10” and twice the width of Drew Brees, Bill will wear the number 99. The Saints understand there is no hope of coaching up a third rounder to actually block NFL Defensive Ends. Instead, they intend to hide Brees using the urban camouflage techniques they saw while watching the latest Sherlock Holmes movie.

4th Round

The Saints coaches have carefully read the rules, and learned that it is legal for a safety to catch the football for what is called an interception. Since this is currently beyond the capability of the NCMF secondary, the Saints select Peter Piper, a Free Safety from Pepper University. At 5’-6” tall, 135-lbs, Peter will be bigger than any of the current Saints safeties. Often confused with Peter Parker, Piper cannot catch everything. But the coaches figured if he can pick a peck of pickled peppers, surely he can pick at least one pass.

5th Round

The Saints looked carefully at their Cornerbacks, and realized they couldn’t see any of them past the “You Must Be This Tall to Go on This Ride” sign at Disneyland. Since they couldn’t talk Marques Colston into switching positions, they have decided to draft a developmental cornerback capable of guarding the Megatrons of the league. The Saints select Will O’Wei from Ralph Sampson University. Standing 6’-11” tall and weighing 156-lbs, the Saints recognize that Will will be a project selection. But they figure everyone puts on weight in New Orleans.

6th Round

Finally recognizing that the team will need Linebackers to play the 3-4 (or 2-5 when Trencher plays), the Saints will pick either Sam Jackson or Ricky Mills (whoever is left on the board) at OLB. Since very few colleges actually play a 3-4, both these possible selections played DE at small-middle-American/Canadian schools. They both combine the speed of Will Smith with the body size of Jabari Greer.

7th Round

Normally the Saints best draft round selection, this year the final round has been designated as the “Angels Cut”, which will be appropriate for all Saints fans watching the draft.

This FanPost was written by a reader and member of Canal Street Chronicles. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CSC and its staff or editors.

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