I have been sitting quietly off to the side, biting my lip, in the weeks since the 2013 draft while the football pundits issue their proclamations about how all the teams did. You know, first they say you can’t grade a draft until 3 years afterward, then they all proceed to grade them anyway (without any benefit of watching the draftees play against NFL competition). But now, Fearless Leader (Dave Cariello,jk) has published his grades. So what the hell, why not me?
First off, all these people are grading the wrong things. They’re trying to grade what’s going to happen in the future, not what has already happened. So unless you’re trying to generate fodder for Stujo’s list or you’re in a divination class, it doesn’t make much sense. I will therefore self-grade my original draft predictions, and then grade some metrics I observed while watching the ESPN draft coverage (yes, I’m still too cheap and too pissed off at the Ginger Grinch to get the NFL channel)
My Prediction for the 1st Round Pick:
I guessed Blubba Trencher, weighing in at 468-lbs playing the Nose Tackle and Defensive End position (simultaneously).
Actual selection: Jonathon Jenkins, listed at 358-lbs, reported over 370-lbs at one point last year, played nose tackle and defensive end last year. I missed which round he’d be picked in, but 370-lb plus New Orleans cuisine = 468-lbs in my book. Grade: B
My Prediction for the 3rd Round Pick:
I guessed Bill Boardus as a raw OT from the Paper Mache University in Toronto who’d be big enough for Drew Brees to hide behind, especially if the team gives him jersey #99.
Actual selection: Terron Armstead, OT from Arkansas Pine Bluffs, over 300-lbs Nailed this one, Grade A+
My Prediction for the 4th Round Pick:
I guessed Peter Piper, a free safety who was at least 5’-6” tall and 135-lbs, and who should be able to pick a couple passes off, since his namesake can pick a peck of pickled peppers.
Actual selection: since this pick was traded away with Tusk to get that extra third round pick, the Saints took Kenny Vaccaro in the 1st, demonstrating that management would really like to lose the NCMF defensive reputation. Grade: I nailed this except for the round number, so I’ll give myself a B.
My Prediction for the 5th Round Pick:
I guessed the Saints would take a tall skinny cornerback that would crack into a million pieces after one hit by Megatron.
Actual selection: Wide receiver Kenny Stills. This year’s leading candidate to get the first Sports Hernia operation. Grade: F—I really screwed the pooch on this prediction, but unlike Todd Shay or Mel Kipper, I’m willing to admit it.
My Prediction for the 6th Round Pick:
I guessed an Outside Linebacker for this selection from some small American or Canadian school that nobody ever heard of.
Actual selection: Rufus Johnson, DE/OLB from the sprawling Tarleton States campus somewhere in Texas. As an honorable mention, the Saints also picked up UDFA Chase Thomas, a slow OLB from Stanford. Yes, Stanford is a well-known college, but they do have a tree as a mascot. Grade: A+! I nailed the position as well as the obscure background.
Overall Grade: B. Damn that obligatory WR pick.
Now for some grades in the special draft coverage categories:
How Well the Ginger Grinch Avoided Booing by Shrouding Himself in All-American Symbology:
Gotta hand it to the slimy basterd—he started out with a moment of silence for the victims of both the Boston Marathon and the Texas fertilizer plant explosion. He also marched out a whole string of token representatives from all the services (Coast Guard? Really?). They weren’t singled out for any particular action, nor were they allowed to do anything, but booing Roger would have been like screwing an apple pie (note to self, prepare for copyright infringement lawsuit). And bringing out Steve Gleason for the Saint’s pick—hypocritical, but brilliant boo-shield.
Beating a Potential Draftee Down as he slides to the Second Day:
This year’s Green Room loser was Geno Smith. The camera panned on him with his head down for pretty much every pick after the 10th. But I only gave a B grade because the “reporters” couldn’t talk him into jumping out of a window.
Sappy Display of Man-Love:
We all expect various “player profiles” of top draftees and why they will be supermen at the next level. But even I wasn’t prepared for the Man-Love that Jon Gruden laid on the Honey Badger during the 1st round. Get a room, dude!
How Well the Draft Graders Graded the Draft:
As near as I can tell, Mel Kipper the lesser had at least 100 players in his initial first round, because he said pretty much every player selected in the 2nd and 3rd rounds had slid down from the 1st round. Everyone was a freakin’ genius. Except Jerry Jones in the 1st round. But everyone else was brilliant! Wanna guess which of the 32 teams didn’t pay Kipper for his opinions? Todd Shay didn’t provide any grades, he just ranked the best and “most questionable” pick for each team, showing it’s better to look the fool than to post a grade and prove it.