NFL Power Rankings Week 3 2013

Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

Kevin promised that if we kept running his silly 'Pick My Entrance Music' posts that he'd eventually start giving us football posts. Well, here's his first NFL Power Rankings of the 2013 season!

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3): Jacksonville, your football team…WOOF!

31. Minnesota Vikings (0-3): Lost. At home. To a third string quarterback. From the Cleveland Browns.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3): Who gets traded/released/moved first? Josh Freeman or Mark Ingram?

29. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-3): Steelers schadenfreude is the best, isn’t it?

28. Washington (0-3): "Hey, look at my Twitter, Phil! I just put ‘RG0-3’! I should do stand-up!"

27. Oakland Raiders (1-2)

26. St. Louis Rams (1-2): At least football season in St. Louis will be over in time for hockey season.

25. New York Giants (0-3): As soon as the New York media declares Tom Coughlin done and Eli Manning overrated, the Giants will rip off seven or eight straight wins.

Requisite insane Randy Savage promo:

24. Cleveland Browns (1-2): I'd bet my next paycheck that somebody in the Browns organization pulled Brian Hoyer from the locker room after last week's game and gave him the Lou Brown Treatment: "Nice catch, Hayes game, Hoyer. Don't ever F'n do it again."

23. Arizona Cardinals (1-2): Palmer gonna Palmer.

22. San Diego Chargers (1-2): Maybe if we give Ingram to the Chargers and get him back in a couple years he'll be the running back we all wanted him to be. Just a theory.

21. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2)

20. Carolina Panthers (1-2)

19. Buffalo Bills (1-2): I'm convinced the Bills could finish 6-10 but as long as EJ Manuel doesn't give away games, they'll love him for a good long while.

18. New York Jets (2-1): Not buying it.

17. Tennessee Titans (2-1): Not buying them, either.

The next few teams on this list can best be described right now as YESTERDAY'S NEWSPAPER:

16. Green Bay Packers (1-2)

15. Atlanta Falcons (1-2): I've made my ruling on how I'm gonna lean Sunday night when the Falcons face the Patriots. 3-0, New England. Everybody wins!

14. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1): This looks like a prime year for a non-Ravens/Steelers AFC North division.

13. San Francisco 49ers (1-2): Dear parents of America, do you want Jim Harbaugh yelling at your kids' football team? You do? Then you're just as big a sociopath as Harbaugh. Get lost.

12. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)

11. Houston Texans (1-2): Another disappointing team in Houston? Get in line. Wait...Gary Kubiak's still the coach?

10. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0): Alex Smith looks good thus far, but I have a tough time believing a team that was so God awful recently has turned it around THIS MUCH in such a short span of time. And with Andy Reid at the helm, you just know the Chiefs are going to manage their way out of a couple Ws before this book is finished.

9. Detroit Lions (2-1)

Remember this, folks: the cream rises to the top:

8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1): I was going to rate them lower on the list, but the shellacking they gave the 49ers made me rethink things. I still expect them to miss the postseason. Advance metric folks told me so.

7. Miami Dolphins (3-0): Sneaky good team or fraudiest frauds whoever frauded? Apologies to Ralph's wife.

6. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)

5. New England Patriots (3-0): (Sees picture of Tom Brady throw a touchdown pass. Barks and growls like a wild dog.)

4. New Orleans Saints (3-0): The offense hasn't fully clicked (thanks A LOT, Obama O-Line!), but this defense is exceeding all expectations. And if you said/thought the Rob Ryan defense would be this good, get outta here you lying liar!

3. Chicago Bears (3-0): I'd like to see who Cutler reacts when THIS Saints defense gets a hold of him. He may feign an insulin coma.

2. Seattle Seahawks (3-0): Great home field advantage, really good QB, solid defense. I expect them to be one of the 2 NFC teams getting a bye going into the postseason.

1. Denver Broncos (3-0): Peyton Manning's already penciled in to win the MVP Award, isn't he?

In conclusion: BOW TO THE MACHO KING!

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