29. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-3): Steelers schadenfreude is the best, isn’t it?
28. Washington (0-3): "Hey, look at my Twitter, Phil! I just put ‘RG0-3’! I should do stand-up!"
27. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
26. St. Louis Rams (1-2): At least football season in St. Louis will be over in time for hockey season.
Requisite insane Randy Savage promo:
24. Cleveland Browns (1-2): I'd bet my next paycheck that somebody in the Browns organization pulled Brian Hoyer from the locker room after last week's game and gave him the Lou Brown Treatment: "Nice
catch, Hayes game, Hoyer. Don't ever F'n do it again."
23. Arizona Cardinals (1-2): Palmer gonna Palmer.
22. San Diego Chargers (1-2): Maybe if we give Ingram to the Chargers and get him back in a couple years he'll be the running back we all wanted him to be. Just a theory.
21. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2)
20. Carolina Panthers (1-2)
19. Buffalo Bills (1-2): I'm convinced the Bills could finish 6-10 but as long as EJ Manuel doesn't give away games, they'll love him for a good long while.
18. New York Jets (2-1): Not buying it.
17. Tennessee Titans (2-1): Not buying them, either.
The next few teams on this list can best be described right now as YESTERDAY'S NEWSPAPER:
16. Green Bay Packers (1-2)
15. Atlanta Falcons (1-2): I've made my ruling on how I'm gonna lean Sunday night when the Falcons face the Patriots. 3-0, New England. Everybody wins!
14. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1): This looks like a prime year for a non-Ravens/Steelers AFC North division.
13. San Francisco 49ers (1-2): Dear parents of America, do you want Jim Harbaugh yelling at your kids' football team? You do? Then you're just as big a sociopath as Harbaugh. Get lost.
12. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
11. Houston Texans (1-2): Another disappointing team in Houston? Get in line. Wait...Gary Kubiak's still the coach?
10. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0): Alex Smith looks good thus far, but I have a tough time believing a team that was so God awful recently has turned it around THIS MUCH in such a short span of time. And with Andy Reid at the helm, you just know the Chiefs are going to manage their way out of a couple Ws before this book is finished.
9. Detroit Lions (2-1)
Remember this, folks: the cream rises to the top:
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1): I was going to rate them lower on the list, but the shellacking they gave the 49ers made me rethink things. I still expect them to miss the postseason. Advance metric folks told me so.
7. Miami Dolphins (3-0): Sneaky good team or fraudiest frauds whoever frauded? Apologies to Ralph's wife.
6. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
4. New Orleans Saints (3-0): The offense hasn't fully clicked (thanks A LOT,
Obama O-Line!), but this defense is exceeding all expectations. And if you said/thought the Rob Ryan defense would be this good, get outta here you lying liar!
3. Chicago Bears (3-0): I'd like to see who Cutler reacts when THIS Saints defense gets a hold of him. He may feign an insulin coma.
2. Seattle Seahawks (3-0): Great home field advantage, really good QB, solid defense. I expect them to be one of the 2 NFC teams getting a bye going into the postseason.
1. Denver Broncos (3-0): Peyton Manning's already penciled in to win the MVP Award, isn't he?
In conclusion: BOW TO THE MACHO KING!