It's your old pal Rob Ryan from the craps table at the Venetian giving you my final NFL Draft preview.
Crazy off-season so far. I had a blast at the St. Patrick's Day parade in the Irish Channel. Did I eat my weight in pancakes and look damn sexy in a tux? Damn right. But I'm not here to talk about delicious pancakes or my sexy body. I'm here to break down the draft.
Great teams think outside the box on draft day. Conventional thinkers want a safety or a wide receiver. Not Rob Ryan. I'm on a different level. Besides I'm like 56% sure we have enough safeties to run my defense.
/rolls 11 at craps table, wins $165,000
You see that? Rob Ryan and the New Orleans Saints ARE WINNERS.
While all these other NFL teams are running mock draft version 657 or whatever the New Orleans Saints are DESTROYING VEGAS. Oh sure, Mickey Loomis may or may not be passed out drunk in the Bellagio fountains but come Monday we will be ready to rock.
You think Thomas Dimitroff can get blackout drunk on a Sunday night and still run a draft on Thursday? You know who can? MICKEY $%^&& LOOMIS THAT'S WHO.
But who will we draft?
I had dinner with Odell Beckham of LSU. Good kid, nice hands. Nope. We need to go in another direction.
/rolls 11, does 4 shots of Jack Daniels, passes out
See what I just did? Did I go into the future or the past? ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IN VEGAS!
The New Orleans Saints are going to draft Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon.
Listen, before you judge let me tell you some things about Pappy.
It's expensive so you know it's got class. It's smooth and you need that on defense to cover all those receivers. It performs in tough situations like after funerals or when your girl runs off to Iceland with a carnival freak.
Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon is clutch. So while the rest of the league is picking some guy you never heard of, the New Orleans Saints will be pouring Pappy over some ice and celebrating VICTORY.
/orders pizza, rolls 43 consecutive 11s, passes out in $3.67 million of chips.