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Mocking the Draft. Literally.

Well...I did it. I quit my job. I stayed up nights.
I looked at all the stats. I crunched all the numbers. I took into account college stats, senior bowl stats, combine stats. I judged player personalities. I incorporated team needs in 2008. This is the most complete and comprehensive mock of all time. What has emerged is the ultimate mock draft. The mock draft to end all mock drafts. So spot on that Mel Kiper will be rendered insignificant. And so here it is. I give to you, the mock draft...

Pick Team Position Player Analysis
1 Miami Dolphins OT Jake Long They actually wanted Chris Long but a mysterious clerical error sticks them with "the other" Long.
2 St. Louis Rams DE Chris Long The Rams can't believe their luck. Scott Linehan was seen near Miami's table with a bottle of white-out and a pen.
3 Atlanta Falcons QB Joe Flacco They couldn't get Shane Falco from The Replacements so they go with Joe Flacco. They obviously need a QB and his name is kinda like Falcon. The other good sign: when asked whether he has any pets Flacco claims he is a "cat-person."
4 Oakland Raiders DT Sedrick Ellis The Raiders don't subscribe to the "less is more" policy and add another DT this off-season. None of them will work out.
5 New Orleans (trade with KC) P Waylon Prather After trading up with KC to assure getting a solid DT, a case of mistaken identity allows Sean Payton's friend and country star Kenny Chesney-who nixed his usual cowboy hat for a Saints visor-to make the pick himself. Nobody knew the difference. Payton appealed but it was too late.
6 New York Jets CB Leodis McKelvin Fearing the Patriots-who have the following pick-are videotaping them they make their pick from an undisclosed location.
7 New England Unknown Unknown In typical Belichick fashion he refuses to tell anyone who they pick. When asked for a comment from the anonymous player, it was obvious Belichick had already gotten to him before it was released: "I'm just thinking about today. That's the only thing I can do. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here." What the hell goes on in that locker room? It's cult-ish.
8 Baltimore Ravens OT Ryan Clady In case McNair thinks about a comeback ala Brett Favre, the Ravens will need protection for him. One more sack and McNair will shatter into dust and blow away into the wind.
9 Cincinnati Bengals CB Aqib Talib With his prior record of failed drug tests for marijuana the Bengals think he has what it takes to be successful on this team. On top of getting his official draft day jersey and hat he gets an official jump suit in Bengal Orange.
10 Kansas City Chiefs (trade with NO) DT Glenn Dorsey Thanks to Kenny Chesney the Chiefs wind up getting Dorsey anyway-a steal at the tenth spot.  
11 Buffalo Bills RB Jonathan Stewart Marshawn Lynch is expected to have a great season after a great rookie year. The Bills know they aren't that lucky and decide to get insurance.
12 Denver Broncos QB Chad Henne If Jay Cutler isn't the next Elway then maybe Henne is. They won't stop till they find him.
13 Carolina Panthers WR Malcolm Kelly Steve Smith gets something new to complain about.
14 Chicago Bears QB Brian Brohm A little competition to try and push Rex Grossman to play better. Unfortunately he is who we think he is. Awful.
15 Detroit Lions OT Chris Williams The Lions take their chance on another first round pick named Williams.
16 Arizona Cardinals CB Mike Jenkins Doesn't matter. These guys make the Saint's look good every year.
17 Minnesota Vikings RB Rashard Mendenhall The Vikings need to start molding a young new running back. Adrian Peterson's knees wont last 2 more years.
18 Houston Texans DE Vernon Goulhston Houston thinks Goulhston is the best player in the draft and the perfect bookend for Mario Williams. Keeping with tradition they sign him before the draft even starts.
19 Philadelphia Eagles WR DeSean Jackson Jackson is upset not getting drafted to a team with a white quarterback. McNabb is infuriated.
20 Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Matt Ryan Jeff Garcia won't be around much longer and Ryan's awesomely high wonderlic test score ensures he will understand Grudin's ridiculously complicated play calls. Seriously-you ever listen to him?
21 Washington Redskins S Kenny Phillips The Redskins honor Sean Taylor by drafting another safety from Miami.
22 Dallas Cowboys RB Darren McFadden No way does Jerry Jones pass up picking a fellow razorback as highly regarded as McFadden. Following the draft Jones will legally adopt McFadden. How did McFadden fall this low? Hey, this is fake!
23 Pittsburgh Steelers S Reggie Smith If the NFL passes the new long hair policy Polamalu vows to protest by not playing. A replacement will be needed.
24 Tennessee Titans DE Calais Campbell Matt Miller of New Era Scouting said this was an awful pick for Tennessee so I left it in from SB Nation's Mock Draft.
25 Seattle Seahawks K Shane Longest I know this sounds like a crazy pick but the Seahawks just signed K Olindo if they don't want to see their season ruined they will make this pick. Plus his name is perfect.
26 Jacksonville Jaguars DT Trevor Laws To impress his new coach Trevor Laws says he will wear a suit under his uniform every game. Goodell tells him he can only do it for two games.
27 San Diego Chargers OT Jeff Otah Like a certain Superbowl winning quarterback before him, Otah demands a trade and refuses to play for San Diego quoting "It means 'A Whale's Vagina'."
28 Dallas Cowboys RB Felix Jones Jerry just can't get enough Razorback running backs. McFadden gets a new brother.
29 San Francisco 49ers LB Keith Rivers After a disappointing season from Patrick Willis the Niner's look to replace him.
30 Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre Ha! They wish. In a related story-the Green Bay fans-who also own the team-voted and passed a resolution to donate an undisclosed amount of team funds to a human cloning project.
31 New York Giants TE Dustin Keller The Giants are already anticipating losing Shockey.

Disclaimer: this is a joke.