Oh, you probably thought I was gone or perhaps Dave sent me away and you would never have to deal with my angry female Saints fan rants again. Not even. I just took a little break from writing because my bosses at work expect me to do actual work and really what can you write about during mini-camps anyway besides, "New defense looks awesome in shorts!"; "Drew Brees still sexy as hell and $#%^& awesome!"
So now I'm back and once training camp starts there will be plenty more chances for you to say how much you loathe me. Fantastic right? This brings me to my topic this week: Hate.
Sure, pretty soon you'll be reading about storylines to watch during camp or five breakout players for 2009. I have my own list: Possible players/Saints coaches that by the end of 2009 we'll hate so much we'll wish they'd go missing, die or get traded to the Lions because of all the pain they'll inflict upon us during the upcoming season. This list doesn't mean I think 2009 will suck but there will be at least one or two Saints players/coaches whose craptastic play we'll be going crazy over, even if the Saints have an awesome season. Does Fred Thomas in 2006 ring a bell? Let's dive right in and see who we might hate come the fall.
#7 Gregg Williams
He's the answer! He's going to make the defense aggressive and it's going to be attack, attack, attack! Or instead of sacks and interceptions, it will be 75-yard touchdown bombs and the Saints will be back to needing to score 40 points to win games. The double G will stand for "Get Gone."
#6 Mark Brunell and Joey Harrington
These guys make the list only because if something happens to Brees we'll take all our frustration out on these two clowns and every time they suck we'll think of how the Brees injury ruined the season and our Sundays. Just the thought of Joey taking an actual snap in a game where the Saints aren't up 42-0 gives me a seizure. If either of these guys plays more than a handful of plays the season is done and by December our hate will grow so large and powerful it might threaten civilization as we know it. I don't even like talking about Piano Joey or 80-year-old Mark actually playing. Let's move on before I get so sad I eat a cheesecake or something.
#5 Jason Kyle and Kevin Houser
Before Houser went and torched his Saints career by being the point man for a Ponzi Scheme...(cough cough)...I mean tax credit investments...he went nine years without screwing up a long snap. The second after Jason Kyle #$#@% up either a Saints field goal or punt snap for the first time this decade you'll be cursing Kyle, Houser, Louisiana Film Studios and Sean Payton for letting this mess happen in the first place. I will personally blame Houser only and he'll move to #1 on the all time list if the snap screw-up happens during a playoff game. Dear God this scenario seems like it's inevitable. If the Saints need a field goal to win a huge game you know this exact thing will cross your mind. See, don't you hate Houser just a little more now?
#4 Reggie Bush
Sure, you don't hate him now, but if the Saints are 8-6 and Pierre Thomas is blowing up while Bush starts bitching about his touches, you'll tell him to go to the bathroom and touch himself. Or if he gets injured yet again we all may decide to be done with Reggie.
#3 Darren Sharper
He's all new, cute, cuddly and shiny now but don't think you can't learn to hate him just like you did Josh Bullocks,Kevin Kaesviharn, and Roman Harper. Oh, look Steve Smith just caught another 50-yard bomb on third and 25! I guess Darren Sharper isn't a savvy veteran but a washed up old man who needs to be put in a home. You might even start to miss Josh Bullocks. Ok maybe not.
#2 Jeremy Shockey
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not if you go another season without catching a touchdown! If the Saints don't win big and Jeremy isn't catching a ton of balls, expect him to meltdown. It's what he does. Of course Brees will put him in his place but listening to Shockey mouth off every week will get old, especially if the Saints are fighting for a playoff spot. Someone please explain why exactly we needed "Mr. Can't Drink While Poolside" again?
#1 Sean Payton
That NFC title game season is getting harder to remember, Sean. Let Payton get cute late in a key game and have it go "Boom goes the Dynamite" and suddenly we'll hate him. Three years with Drew Brees and no playoffs and I'll organize "Payton Hate Fest 2010." I'll be the chairwoman. I'll make signs and start a Facebook page and tweet till my thumbs fall off.
Saints video to make you wish that opening Sunday would get here already!
After such a hate-filled, negative column I want to leave you with some chills. This is the CBS opening to the Saints-Vikings playoff game from 1987. Oh sure, it ended badly but if Jimmy the Greek interviewing Al Hirt and Pat Summerall voicing over the intro during the classic CBS music doesn't fire you up then you have no soul. Oh, and watch CBS flash the stat (At the 7:43 mark) that in 1987 the Saints blocked eight kicks. Are you #@$% serious!? That's a kick every other week. And they scored on seven of them! If a team did that this year ESPN would devote an Outside the Lines to figure out how. Just forget the ending and enjoy!