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NFL Players Hire Charlie Sheen to Represent Union in Labor Talks

Charlie Sheen

Don't expect a new collective bargaining agreement to get done before the current CBA expires this week. 

In an move that shows just how serious they are about having their demands met, the NFL players have voted to have one of televisions highest paid actors, Charlie Sheen, represent them in their negotiations with team owners. 

When asked why someone with absolutely no bargaining, business or legal experience - other than his role in Wall Street - was chosen to get involved, Sheen was readily available for comment, "Because I'm me, because I'm different, I have a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart. I got tiger blood, man."

Sheen added, "People can't figure me out, they can't process me, I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitchin', a total frickin' rock star from Mars."

Many unanswered questions remain, including how he plans to resolve the myriad issues between players and owners. But Sheen has got a plan and he isn't worried one bit.  

"It's called Charlie Sheen," said the strung out father of five. "It's not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."    

One thing is for sure: Sheen is taking no prisoners. 

"I'm here to collect. They're gonna lose. They're gonna lose in a courtroom if necessary," threatened Sheen. "So, I would recommend that they do an out of court settlement and fix this whole thing, and pay the players, and get the 2011 season back on board."    

"Come Wednesday morning, they're going to rename it the Charlie Football League, and not National Football League. Duh, winning!"    

**This is not a real story, just another satirical gem. Though many of the quotes used are real or just slightly altered, they are completely out of context.**