INT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - DAY
DAVE: What the sam hill is wrong with you, man???
DAVE: What happened to last week's power rankings?
DAVE: I'm giving you the opportunity of a lifetime here!!!
KEVIN: You're getting me access to a Kate Upton photo shoot?
DAVE: No, ya perv! I've given you access to CANAL STREET CHRONICLES! The most prestigious blog...(spits)...in the WORLD. (posts pictures various shrimp scampi dishes he's eaten in NOLA on his Facebook wall.)
DAVE: What happened to last week's power rankings?
KEVIN: ... I was momentarily detained.
DAVE: No ya weren't! You were too busy ...
KEVIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can I interest you in a photo of Kat Dennings and the twins?
DAVE: No, Kevin! I need to make sure you're pulling your weight around here. Don't make me pull a "DO YOUR JOB" man. (trolls The Falcoholic.)
KEVIN: Look, it's kinda hard to come up with new ways of saying the same five jokes over and over.
DAVE: I don't care how many bad jokes you come up with, I need a Power Rankings post this week. (starts Tumblr dedicated to taking his son to restaurants and eateries across town.)
KEVIN: Yep, you'll get it this week.
DAVE: And spice it up, too! (pens 3,000-word missive to 'Chopped' executive producers about oregano and garlic salt.)
KEVIN: What's that mean?
DAVE: You're allowed to be a little weird.
KEVIN: I thought you didn't want my riff-raff ways after getting the call up.
DAVE: Well ya, I'm not running Bleacher Report here. You remember 'Demolition Man'?
KEVIN: DO I?!?!? (makes lame "3 sea shells joke".)
DAVE: What'd Stallone tell Dennis Leary and the warden from Shawshank at the end?
KEVIN: I need to grow a sweet goatee?
DAVE: I'm hanging up. Just have the power rankings this week, okay?
As always, I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
1. New York Giants (4-2): Okay, so they're number one really based off of their lopsided ass whooping of the 49ers. Yes, they have two losses. Mind you, that season opening loss came when their secondary was hampered and not playing due to injury. And that second loss was on the road against a division foe, and they only lost by 2 points, on a last second field goal to boot, despite Andy Reid's best attempts to ice his own kicker. Don't think they're the best team? Try convincing me that the next 2 teams are any better.
2. Chicago Bears (4-1): The Bears D has 13 INTs in five games. That's an average of more than 2 per game. And thanks to that ridiculous defense, they have the number one scoring differential in the league (+78).
3. Atlanta Falcons (6-0): Yep, maybe it's bias on my part for denying them the top spot. They're the last undefeated team and they've won a couple games where it looked like their ticket to the loss column might finally get punched. The combined W-L record of their opponents is 12-22. Not exactly the All-Madden difficulty, am I right? But let me say this: if Matt Ryan wins the MVP and the Falcons somehow Forrest Gump their way into the Super Bowl in New Orleans this year, I'm driving down to NOLA and flinging myself off the CCC. And we'll stream it live on Canal Street Chronicles. Think of the page views, Dave!
4. Houston Texans (5-1): I think this is the Texans' best shot at making a Super Bowl run, even if Cushing is done for the year. The Ravens are cooked, the Pats are vulnerable, the Steelers are way too derby, and the Broncos will inevitably disappoint Payton Manning.
5. Baltimore Ravens (5-1): Enjoy this spot in the top 5, Ravens fans. It'll probably be the last time you're here. I mean, unless...(snickers)...Joe...Flacco...(snickers)...can lead you...(snickers)...to the postseason...on his own...(LAUGHS)
6. Minnesota Vikings (4-2)
7. San Francisco 49ers (4-2)
8. Denver Broncos (3-3)
9. New England Patriots (3-3): Freaking love how everybody's acting like Tom Brady is the class of the NFL after he gets righteously trolled by a Seahawks in the postgame. Do these national media clowns remember Tom's nugget during the Bills game?
10. Seattle Seahawks (4-2)
12. Arizona Cardinals (4-2): Kevin Kolb is out, so naturally the team's chances for success IMPROVE.
13. Green Bay Packers (3-3): Not sold on the Packers. Of course, that probably won't stop the national media from telling me Aaron Rodgers deserves to win back-to-back MVP awards.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)
15. Indianapolis Colts (2-3)
16. Miami Dolphins (3-3): So the Dolphins aren't a total dumpster fire. Pina coladas for everyone!!!
18. San Diego Chargers (3-3): Yes, the Saints beat them 2 weeks ago. In the Superdome. And I had the Chargers ranked waaaaay too high in my power rankings before that game. But 2 weeks of Phillip Rivers' floaters and Norv Turner being Norv Turner and these guys are plummeting fast. Another loss and they'll be in the bottom third. Actually, another nut-punch loss like Monday night's and I may just move them into the bottom 5.
19. Cincinnati Bengals (3-3): You guys lost to Cleveland. CLEVELAND. Now go to your rooms and think about what you've done.
20. Detroit Lions (2-3)
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3)
22. New Orleans Saints (1-4): Look, we may be coached by a guy who'll never get a head coaching job in D-III, but damn it, we sure as hell are NOT going to take a dump on fans' chests in the final possession of a game like the next team on this list.
23. Dallas Cowboys (2-3)
24. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-3): Oh, and while I'm here, I know you folks got to read EIC Dave's reaction to that baldheaded hillbilly's "thoughts" on Drew Brees eclipsing yet another illustrious NFL record. Well, I'd like to air my own grievances against Mr. Terry Bradshaw.
25. New York Jets (3-3): Nope. I don't care if they won their last game or not. Their number one defender is done, they keep losing players to injury, the quarterback play is awful, and they refuse to shit or get of the pot in regards to Tebow.
26. Buffalo Bills (3-3): I know, I know... they got a .500 record and technically they're not even last in their division. To quote (allegedly) Jay Cutler: don't caaaaaaaaaaaare.
27. Tennessee Titans (2-4)
28. Carolina Panthers (1-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-4)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4)
32. Cleveland Browns (1-5): Scott Fujita may have suffered a career-threatening neck injury. I hope Roger Goodell tumbles down a flight of stairs. And the first "legitimate media" guy to even put pen to paper on a "karma caught up to Fujita" column is going to have to block me on Twitter, cause that clown shoe will provoke social media thunder.