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NFL Power Rankings for Week 9

Spinning all the hits from the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s. Ranking NFL teams for your amusement by an author who is an incompetent (side) boob.

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Nice instrument.
Nice instrument.
Scott Cunningham

Each week Canal Street Chronicles ranks all 32 NFL teams from best to worst. Teams are ranked 1 through 32, with the first team being able to beat the second on a neutral field. The second team could beat the third team, who could beat the fourth, and then they could beat the fifth place team, and so on. You get the idea.


1. Houston Texans (6-1): Don't you feel like the NFL is mostly mediocre to poor teams this season? There's maybe 8 or 9 quality teams in the league, a few with a puncher's chance, and the rest just might as well be carrion for large bears or something.

2. New York Giants (6-2): When you nearly blow a 23-point lead to the F'ing Cowboys, only to be saved by the top half of Dez Bryant's finger going out of the end zone, you're not staying as the number one team. Sorry. Better luck next week.

3. Chicago Bears (6-1): Jay Cutler managed to recover nicely from a terrible first half (and badmouthing the fans) to lead the Bears to a win over the Panthers.

4. Atlanta Falcons (7-0): The success of the Atlanta Falcons is the opposite of sunshine.

5. San Francisco 49ers (6-2): So Gerber hands Alex Smith nearly had a perfect QB Rating in primetime, one night after Drew Brees' primetime debacle. If anybody needs me...

6. New England Patriots (5-3): I'll set the over-under on future Gronk babies to be born in London hospitals in 9 months at 14.5.

7. Green Bay Packers (5-3): Yep, still neigh impossible to hate on Aaron Rodgers.

8. Denver Broncos (4-3): A guy in the Virginia-DC area went running outside DURING Hurricane Sandy wearing only shorts, shoes and a horse head. You go, dumb ass; you go.

9. Baltimore Ravens (5-2): Speaking of Sandy, the following internet law should be enacted: if you share/forward/create a fake storm photo, your internet privileges are taken away from you for a week. Do it again, and it's a month.

10. Minnesota Vikings (5-3): You guys got BF'ed by the Bucs? Fortunately, this game was on the NFL Network, so only like 173 people actually saw it live. (Ed. note: Tired jokes! I haz them!)

11. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3): Horrible team. Horrible bandwagon fans (personal experience). Horrible uniforms. (Cues up 'The Dark Knight Rises' just to watch bombs go off in Pittsburgh.)

12. Miami Dolphins (4-3): Speaking of 'The Dark Knight Rises,' here's a Tumblr dedicated to one of the STUPIDEST damn things in the entire movie. It's one of the worst death scenes ever filmed. You know that lame ass Turkish film everybody keeps touting as the worst death scene ever? Well, that movie was probably made for a few thousand bucks and starred crap actors with cheap editors. TDKR was a $200 million blockbuster. TDKR was worse.

13. Indianapolis Colts (4-3)

14. Seattle Seahawks (4-4): The new Assassin's Creed game was released today. You'll forgive me if I vanish from the face of the Earth for the next few weeks, right?

15. Detroit Lions (3-4): Wait, Halo 4 is coming out next week? Damn it. (pushes imaginary telecomm button) Jeannie, hold my calls!

16. Washington Redskins (3-5): I'm still enjoying the RGIII show, even if Mike Shanahan doesn't know what the hell he's doing with him. A 'QB Go' route, Shanny?

17. Arizona Cardinals (4-4): If this were the NBA or even Major League Baseball, the Cardinals would figure out a way to ship Larry Fitzgerald out and get something (ANYTHING) in return. Instead, NFL owners are far too chicken s*** to make any trades in season.

18. Tennessee Titans (3-5): Disney bought Lucasfilms. Wait, what?

19. Buffalo Bills (3-4): Yeah. George Lucas sold his studio and all Star Wars stuff to Mickey Mouse for $4 billion. Say what again?

20. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4): Well, I guess Disney now gets to market cartoon movies and make more toys and stuff, huh? Nope. Turns out, they're going to make Star Wars, Episode 7.

21. Dallas Cowboys (3-4): You'll forgive me if I'm highly dubious of anything Star Wars related for the rest of my life, seeing as how George Lucas personally scuttled that ship with the godawful revisions and prequels. (Ed. note: So help me God, you will NOT engage me on this, folks.)

22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-4): Okay, to make up for the overall nerd run in this post, here's pictures of smoking hot babes: Lucy Pinder (she's going to need a refrigerator repairman).

23. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4): Denise Milani.

24. New York Jets (3-5): Paulina Gretzky, who's a big fan of Instagram.

25. Carolina Panthers (1-6): And Gina Carano, who could most certainly whoop your ass and put a smile on your face at the same time.

26. New Orleans Saints (2-5): The NFL has been in existence for 92 years. This is the WORST DEFENSE IN ITS HISTORY. I'm not kidding. Through seven games, this team has allowed more yardage than any other. Think of all the inept defenses the Saints have had over the years. Hell, just think back to recent history and the illustrious Tebucky Jones, Kevin Kaesviharn, Toi Cook, and the immortal Jason David. Those guys are apparently an All-Madden Team compared to the current group of fellows patrolling the secondary at the moment. When Sean Payton comes back, he should pull a Lorne Michaels at the end of SNL season 11: just set the building on fire and maybe save one or two folks (hint: Jon Lovitz = Curtis Lofton).

27. Oakland Raiders (3-4)

28. Cleveland Browns (2-6)

29. San Diego Chargers (3-4): Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

30. St. Louis Rams (3-5): This is what happens when you get shellacked by the Patriots.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6): They haven't held a lead EVEN ONCE during regulation. That's some kinda terrible.

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6)