Each week Canal Street Chronicles ranks all 32 NFL teams from best to worst. Teams are ranked 1 through 32, with the first team being able to beat the second on a neutral field. The second team could beat the third team, who could beat the fourth, and then they could beat the fifth place team, and so on. You get the idea.
1. VACATED. That's right. I'm vacating the top spot in my rankings. Wanna fight about it? Read below for an explanation.
2. Houston Texans (9-1) & San Francisco 49ers (7-2-1): The Texans were taken to overtime by Chad Henne and the awful Jaguars. And while the Niners may have skull*cked the Bears (in a backup v. backup fest), I can't give the team the top spot for TYING THE RAMS AT HOME. Still too fresh in my memory. And for the record: I love ties. I wish they'd happen more often. I was rooting for all three overtime games in the early Sunday schedule to end in ties.
3. Green Bay Packers (7-3): I think the Packers may have gotten their stuff together. Damn. But on the plus side, Aaron Rodgers' weak response to the '60 Minutes' piece on him finally provided me with something to hate on him for. Although that was short-lived, cause here he comes hanging out with a young cancer survivor...DAMN IT, RODGERS! GIMME MY RIGHT TO HATE YOU!!!
4. Baltimore Ravens (8-2): Well, I thought they'd never get back into the top 5. Just goes to show you what I know. And how hilarious is it that Roger Goodell's one-game suspension of Ed Reed was reduced to just a fine? I'm loving that players are now challenging the Ginger Hammer's authority more often (and winning).
5. Denver Broncos (7-3): Peyton Manning's totally winning another MVP Award, isn't he? At the very least, he's splitting it with Adrian Peterson, right? Yeah, that makes sense. After all, BOTH GUYS ARE DESERVING OF RECOGNITION FOR THEIR GREAT SEASONS. Yep. Totally justifiable to split that MVP trophy up between two great players. You almost NEVER see two players put up stellar stats and command such respect in the locker room and on the field like those two guys, am I right? (/scoops out eyes with mellon baller)
6. New England Patriots (7-3): I will never root for a player to be injured, but when "Gronk" got hurt on an extra point as the Pats were running up the score late in the fourth quarter, I couldn't help but think the football gods were sending Bill Belichick a "remember me shot." (This just in: Roger Goodell has fined the football gods $50,000 apiece for delivering said "remember me shot.")
7. Atlanta Falcons (9-1): "It's tough to argue with a 9-1 record unless you've watched the Falcons play lately." That is a WORD FOR WORD copy of ESPN.com's assessment of the team in their Power Rankings. And yet those clowns have the nerve to rank the Falcons no. 2. At least I'm straightforward with my contempt for them as a team.
8. Chicago Bears (7-3): The important lesson from Monday night's receipt of curbstomping is that the Bears will only go as far as Jay Cutler will take them. So...first round playoff exit?
9. New York Giants (6-4): Bye week. In honor of Skyfall coming out and being really good, here are my favorite James Bond flicks (no order): Goldfinger, Live and Let Die, The Spy Who Loved Me, Goldeneye and Casino Royale. Skyfall is just outside that list, alongside From Russia With Love and Thunderball.
10. Seattle Seahawks (6-4): I count at least 3 wins for them in their remaining schedule: @Miami, @Chicago, Arizona, @Buffalo, San Fran, St. Louis. That final wildcard spot could get in with 9 wins and Seattle has the easiest path to get there.
11. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4): Of course this team is going to find a way to grind out 4 more wins and make the postseason, all while scoring a combined 50 points in those games. I turned off their Sunday night game against the Ravens and opted to watch 'The Dust Bowl' on PBS. Ken Burns documentary > Sh*tty football game featuring team I can't stand.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-4)
13. Minnesota Vikings (6-4)
14. New Orleans Saints (5-5): They got the dreaded Costas Kiss of Death during halftime of SNF, but no matter. My buddy Ralph said the Saints remaining schedule is against teams with a combined 35-24-1 record. But I pointed out that 9 of those wins are from the Falcons, the fraudiest buncha frauds who ever frauded. Still: the Saints are likely going to have to win their final 3 games to have a shot at the postseason.
15. Cincinnati Bengals (5-5)
16. Indianapolis Colts (6-4)
17. Washington Redskins (4-6)
18. Dallas Cowboys (5-5): These guys. I hope they go .500 the rest of the way and Jerry Jones opts to hang onto Jason Garrett for ONE MORE YEAR. That way, J-Dunc doesn't get to use the lazy "Payton to Dallas?" column he's had penned since Week 3.
19. Detroit Lions (4-6)
20. Miami Dolphins (4-6)
21. New York Jets (4-6): Honestly, every team from this spot on down is so awful the league should just break into 2 bodies and make this one the relegation league. And if you're making a soccer/futbol joke right now, you can kiss my grits.
22. San Diego Chargers (4-6): Anyway, so Norv Turner and Philip Rivers have probably worn out their welcome in San Di-LOOK EVERYBODY, a Steampunk cosplay gallery featuring attractive ladies!
23. Buffalo Bills (4-6): Wait, you mean Buffalo made a bad bet signing Patrick Fitzryan to a massive contract? Yeah, I know his name is the other way, but I like this better.
25. St. Louis Rams (3-6-1): I wish I could have these guys higher because they tied the Niners two weeks ago. But these sh*theads got pantsed by the New York Jets. When you make Mark Sanchez look competent, something is VERY wrong with you as an organization.
26. Arizona Cardinals (4-6): Four straight wins to start the year. Six losses thereafter. Larry Fitzgerald is going to pull a Michael Corleone on all the QBs. I've got John Skelton getting the Moe Green treatment.
27. Oakland Raiders (3-7): Apparently Oakland has a running back bumper crop. That third string guy was dynamite against the Saints. Totally blew my expectations.
28. Carolina Panthers (2-8): Eh, they suck. So here are my least favorite James Bond flicks: Die Another Day, The Living Daylights, The World Is Not Enough, Moonraker, and Tomorrow Never Dies. I really didn't like Pierce Brosnan as Bond after Goldeneye.
29. Philadelphia Eagles (3-7): If God is good (and, being an Irishman, I'd like to think I know the Guy well enough to say He is), Andy Reid gets fired and goes on to coach the San Diego Chargers. And Norv Turner gets dumped and moves on to the Chiefs. And Romeo Crennel gets fired and goes to coach the Jaguars. And Mike Mularkey gets fired and goes to coach the Browns. And Pat Shurmur gets canned and moves on to the Panthers. And Ron Rivera gets dumped and goes on to coach the Cardinals. And Ken Whisenhunt is fired but moves across country to the Jets. And Rex Ryan moves down to the well-mannered, even-keeled city of Philadelphia to coach the Eagles. I don't think I'm asking for much, Lord: a carousel of crappy coaching.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9): You get bumped for pushing the best team in the AFC to the limit, for a coach having the balls to go for it on 4th down in an OT game, and for Chad Henne's amazingly creepy pornstache.
31. Cleveland Browns (2-8): I think a game between the Browns and Cardinals would end in a 5-5 tie. They're both derpy enough to pull it off.