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BREAKING: Goodell to Hand Out Suspensions for Hillary Clinton Concussion

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is set to hand out suspensions following news that U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suffered a concussion earlier today.


The AP reports the Secretary of State, who is sick with a stomach virus, was dehydrated and fainted today, causing her concussion.

"This is about changing the culture of the sport. As you know, I have focused relentlessly on player health and safety during my term as commissioner. This most recent controversy with Mrs. Clinton is no different," stated Goodell.

When asked what Hillary Clinton's head injury had anything to do with the NFL or the game of football, Goodell alluded to 18,000 pages of evidence linking Mrs. Clinton's fall and subsequent concussion to the New Orleans Saints pay-to-injure program.

Clinton will take a week off before returning to politicking but not before being medically cleared.

"Given the history of hiding concussions, we want to make sure she is evaluated properly and that the right decisions are made from a medical standpoint before she's cleared to return," Goodell added.