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Canal Street Chronicles 2012 Elections: Part I

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By Ralph Malbrough and Hans Petersen

It's an election year, and here at Da Chronic we take elections very seriously. We aren't talking trivial things like who the next President will be, or who might control the Senate, or who's smarter than a 5th grader. WE ARE DEBATING SERIOUS THINGS HERE.

In this ongoing series, Hans "HansDat" Petersen from Canal Street Chronicles and Ralph "Malbrough" Malbrough from will debate controversial topics that divide Saints fans, families, and even rip asunder the very fabric of America itself! And then you, CSC Nation, can decide the winner.

The first topic: Worst Saints Free Agent Signing Ever

More after the jump...

Albert Connell has the floor.

What's up Canal Street Chronicle readers! I'm Albert Connell, and I'm asking for your vote as the worst Saints free agent signing ever.

When you think "worst ever" that's serious business. I mean the Saints have some awful free agent signings. Old timers probably remember they replaced Morten Andersen with Chip Lohmiller, who couldn't kick a can down the road, much less a 35-yard field goal. You young fellows probably think Jason David is just totally the worst signing in the history of history. PLEASE.

I saw somebody posted some fancy statistical data saying the Saints should have been playing a chair instead of Jason David and they'd have had better pass defense. Sure, Jason got burned more than some forests do in California. He did lead the Saints in interceptions in 2008. He had five and nobody else had more than two.

I'd like to remind you, I signed a $13 million contract with the Saints, got $2.5 million in a signing bonus, and just guess how I rewarded that investment.

I caught 12 passes for the Saints in 2001. That's 208 grand per catch. There hasn't been an investment that bad since you bought 5000 shares of

Still not convinced? Did I mention I totally poisoned the Saints locker room in the season following their first playoff win? How did I do it? It wasn't because I sulked like Randy Moss or was like Chad Johnson and couldn't remember the playbook. Nope.

All I did was borrow four grand from Deuce McAllister. Some people said I stole it from his car, but to be fair, he never said I COULDN'T take it. Just kidding. I totally snagged it from his car. It was the best move I made all season. After the Saints cut me, I never played football again.

To recap: I was signed to be the Saints #2 receiver, caught 12 passes, and committed a felony against the team's star running back. The Saints would have been better piling that 2.5 million dollars in the bottom of a trash bin and setting it on fire to keep hobos warm for the night.

I'm Albert Connell, and not only did I approve this message, but I want your vote.

* * *

enter former NFL LB Brian Simmons

Albert, you ignorant slut.

Thanks for your time and effort, but you think YOU stunk on ice for the Saints? My on-field performance was like I was the m-f-ing lead singer for the "Shitty Beatles" (who really sucked, so it's not just a clever name).

Remember if you will, the winter/spring of 2007...

The Saints had just come off the most successful year in franchise history (better than 2000, even) with a 2006 free agent haul that included Drew Brees, and, well, that's all you really need to know about that. Optimism was sky-high for a follow-up year to beat all follow-up years, in both free agency and on-field success.

Pay-loo chose to focus on the defense, and they thought their Midas Touch would get the Saints deeper into the playoffs again, but they instead ended up with the most craptacular offseason Free Agent haul ever, and I (who was actually one of the most coveted FA "gets" of the league that year) ended up as the Saints Main Free Agent Crap-traction of the Year.

It saw me join Kevin Kaesviharn and Jason David as new arrivals to add more speed and playmaking ability to the defense. Those guys were awful beyond belief. But hey, as bad as they were, both those chumps lasted multiple seasons with the Saints before getting cut. I didn't even make it through an entire year on the team.

Albert, you're just a young pup who had one decent breakout season, sandwiched by two not so bad years in Washington, and then you flamed out with the Saints to end your career.

I also ended my career with the Saints, but the "steep decline" that coincided with my Saints tenure was so much more precipitous than yours (and can you even spell precipitous?).

I had seven good years with the Bengals before being brought in to help overhaul the Saints defense, and I proceeded to not even be able to beat out milquetoast Mark Simoneau for a starting spot. In 2007, I appeared in 16 games, starting only three, and set a new career-low in combined tackles (27) that was almost a third less than the number of tackles I had averaged in the previous 6 seasons (86)!

And you, Albert, at least you scored two touchdowns for the Saints, including that sweet Hail Mary against the Bills in the season opener, and tied your career-high in rushing attempts that year.

Me? My Saints highlight is the one sack I recorded at some time during 2007, and I can't even remember who I sacked or when I did it.

So, fans, are you gonna vote for some flash-in-the-pan punk receiver who tanked it for the Saints to end his NFL career, or for me, Brian Simmons, who had quite a decent career going before learning that I had absolutely NOTHING, with a capital "N" left in my tank, not even one full year into my three-year contract with the Saints?

We both await your well-informed and wise decision...


Pulling back the curtain a bit...these conversations were illegally recorded by Ralph after Hans (while trying hard to stifle his girlish giggles) secretly three-way called Connell and Simmons from the Forecast Secret Headquarters in the subterranean catacombs of Houston. I imagine that these guys would probably deny saying any of these things if they were confronted with it, so don't bother trying.


Post-vote assignment for the comment section: make like one of those paid pundits on cable news and respond to, analyze, and break down their arguments. Or, try to get your choice for Worst Saints FA Signing Ever to go "on the record" knowingly or unknowingly to state his case for the title. BTW, if you try to google in this area, don't type "Brian Simmons sings with the New Orleans Saints" into the search window by mistake - you'll get a bunch of stuff that doesn't really make any sense.