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Saints Hire Shawn Slayton as Interim Head Coach


In the wake of the NFL's Bountygate sanctions yesterday, most notably the full season suspension of head coach Sean Payton, the Saints announced today that they've hired an interim coach from outside the organization to lead the team during the 2012 season. That man is unknown coach Shawn Slayton, whose entire background both on and off the field is a complete mystery.

Naturally, it was ESPN analyst Adam Schefter who had the scoop first and broke the story via his Twitter account:

Filed to ESPN: Shawn Slayton hired by Saints as interim head coach in 2012.

Little is known about Slayton's background but sources within the Saints organization, speaking on grounds of anonymity, claim he's an offensive minded genius with a play calling prowess rivaling that of the man he's been hired to replace. Other than that and looking eerily alike, however, the two coaches are as different as their obvious facial hair preferences, acknowledged the source:

Slayton is modest, very media-friendly, believes in natural pain management, is forthcoming about his players' injuries and loves to chew only DoubleMint gum. And he's got a mustache. Coach Payton definitely never had a mustache.

The organization has confirmed the addition of Slayton, who will reportedly receive the exact same contract as Sean Payton. Saints general manager Mickey Loomis was optimistic about a smooth transition:

I'm impressed by how effortlessly Shawn has jumped right into his role as head coach. He was at the facility on the first day running the show like he owned the place. He knew everyone's name immediately, where everything was located, even the combination to the drug cabinet. It's uncanny, really.

Slayton will speak formally for the first time when he's introduced to the media at a press conference this afternoon but he's already announced plans to bring on another unknown coach, Joel Vipp, as his assistant and linebackers coach.

Sean Payton could not be reached for comment about the hiring. He has not been heard from since learning of the league's Bountygate penalties.

**This is not a real story, just another satirical gem. None of the quotes are real.**