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Breaking News: Don Henley Hired as NFL CEO

"Hmmm. . .who can I punish today?"
"Hmmm. . .who can I punish today?"

In a totally random move, Roger Goodell has yet again rocked the football world. It has been confirmed by an unnamed source (sounds legitimate to me) that over the weekend, Goodell hired Don Henley as the NFL's new Chief Entertainment Officer. If some of you football enthusiasts are Googling the name, don't bother because I've done the research for you. Don Henley is a vocalist/guitarist from the 1970s and 80s. Still not ringing a bell? Try one of the lead vocalists for the Eagles until 1980.

While this is a surprise move by Goodell, several of the NFL staffers who work under Goodell (again unnamed) claim this hire has been in the works for quite a while. As a matter of fact, they say convincing Henley hinged on him not wanting to lose his Social Security benefits and the recent Obamacare issues which have recently made headlines for the U.S. Join me after the jump to explore Henley's new position within the league.

At first glance, his title makes me think he'll be covering up prostitution scandals and making sure NFL executives have enough cocaine and alcohol on business trips. After careful research and a few phone interviews, it turns out I was way off base. Actually Goodell's description of Mr. Henley's duties make him sound more like a personal employee, but it's the NFL's money so who am I to judge. Here's what Goodell had to say about the new hire:

It feels great to know the league values me enough to provide me with a live, running theme song! That's how I know I've finally made it to the top. I figure, if Sean Payton can hang with Jimmy Buffett, I needed a guy too.

Mr. Henley has been hired to play some of his greatest hits while following me around on a Segway. I feel this move will provide me with the correct mindset while conducting any and all business proceedings. His value to the league and my ego are inseparable and will help me tackle the tough issues facing the league.

Some of the issues mentioned are the NFLRA being disbanded and replaced with scabs, the retired NFL players eventually dying off, and finally the review of any naughtiness by players, coaches, janitors, and especially the cheerleaders. He refused to provide detailed answers to questions regarding strategies he may employ when dealing with these problems.

Since I had him on the phone I felt obligated to ask him about how he feels about the uprising from Saints fans about the bounty scandal. I asked, "Do you have anything you'd like to say to the Saints fans asking for more evidence or a new ruling on the punishments?" I'm not sure the WhoDat Nation will appreciate his response.

I would say, "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" and that it's a matter of "Them and Us." You can also tell them, "Nanny, Nanny Boo Boo! Stick your head in doo doo!"

Quite an unexpected response from the Commissioner of the NFL, but not as unexpected as the only other contender for the job: King Missile! Now I'm not very familiar with this band, but Goodell said his final decision was based on the amount of songs he liked from each musical artist. Goodell said he thought it would be detrimental to the league if he tried to conduct business with a song titled "Detachable Penis" playing in the background.

My source says that Henley will even follow Goodell to his home and on vacations. Could you imagine having a personal minstrel everywhere you go? When asked about her opinion on the matter, Jane Skinner, Roger Goodell's wife, had this to say:

I really don't know what to make of it. Its like being in the same class as the Kennedy's except instead of politics we have sports media, and that my husband has a little Nixon in him too. Honestly, I'm just thankful he didn't pick that crazy "penis" song. He only liked them during his experimental phase. He walked around the house singing that song for months. I'm just glad that he grew out of that phase.

She would not expand on her "experimental phase" reference but we can only imagine what took place during that time of his life. She continued on to say that Don Henley was a wonderful choice and even provided us with a short list of songs you may hear in the background during her husbands upcoming press conferences. She mentioned songs like "The End of the Innocence," "The Heart of the Matter," "Desperado," "The Long Run," "Dirty Laundry," and "One of These Nights."

Of course I put in the extra effort to track down Mr. Don Henley and although he was limited in his responses, he was entertaining. He mainly used song titles and lyrics to answer some of my questions. For example, when I asked how he feels about performing for Goodell in his private home in front of his wife he said:

Most performances should be quicker than a "New York Minute" but it will feel like "A Month of Sundays" because "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" in her "Leather and Lace." From what I know of her she's a bit of a "Witchy Woman," but it should work out better than my stay at "Hotel California." Roger is a "Man with a Mission" and is usually busy "Building the Perfect Beast" and "Workin' It" with his "Little Tin God."

All I can think to say is, "What?!?" I believe Mr. Henley is getting a bit senile in his old age, but he might just be high. Either way I can only guess his new role within the league will go mostly unnoticed other than the strange guy trying to steer a Segway while holding a mic and playing guitar. The good news is that Henley seems to be approaching this as a job and not a personal victory. In his closing statement, he quoted me something from one of my favorite Don Henley songs. The question I asked was, "Ultimately how do feel about Roger Goodell's recent struggles as the NFL Commissioner?"

Henley said, "I think my song 'Dirty Laundry' describes my feelings about Roger Goodell's recents problems. If you listen to the whole song it fits, but I'm specifically referring to the last verse."

Here are those famous words to which he was referring:

Dirty little secrets, dirty little lies

We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie

We love to cut you down to size, we love dirty laundry

We can do "The Innuendo," we can dance and sing

When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing

We all know that crap is King, give us dirty laundry