As always, I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they beat on a neutral field. Meaning: 31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, and so on...
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4): Fill in your own damn "they’re terrible" joke in the comments.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4): I submit to you this video.
30. New York Giants (0-4): I admit, I would’ve penciled these guys for a playoff spot at the beginning of the season. What’s the stat? (Juge, look this up and correct me.) Only 1 in 90+ teams to start a season 0-4 has made the playoffs under the current format. This might be the year Coughlin gets run out of town.
29. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4): I wish I could be as verbose as John Updike and go into my utter joy at seeing this team winless through four weeks, but I’ll settle for an Ernest Hemingway: I’m pleased; quite pleased.
28. St. Louis Rams (1-3): Gotta love sports talk radio in St. Louis my commute home is filled with a couple cranks making the "well now the fans are giving up, but they’ll hop right back on board when the team wins again" jokes. These clowns don’t want to admit that maybe Sam Bradford isn’t starting quarterback material, or that maybe he’s not destined to guide the Good Ship Rams to the postseason.
27. Oakland Raiders (1-3): In terms of Matts: Hasselbeck (the good one) >> Elam> Forte >> Bryant > Stover >>> Flynn >>> Mauck >>>>> Cassel >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Leinart
26. Minnesota Vikings (1-3): Stay in London, I guess…
25. Washington (1-3): Hey, hey! They’ve righted the ship! Maybe now they’ll cont-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Hey, you know who was really good at wrestling promos (aside from the Macho Man Randy Savage)? Dusty Rhodes...
24. Carolina Panthers (1-2)
23. New York Jets (2-2)
22. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3)
21. Arizona Cardinals (2-2): Carson Palmer threw the ball 38 times. Rookie Mike Glennon threw the ball 43 times. Both connected for 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. The final score? 13-10 Cardinals. I feel bad for anybody that had to watch that game.
20. San Diego Chargers (2-2): Greatest football joke I saw on Twitter earlier this week: "San Diego still uses 'Chargers'? That's a racist word for 'electricity.'"
19. Cleveland Browns (2-2): Brian Hoyer’s middle name is "Axel." Make of that what you will.
18. Green Bay Packers (1-2)
17. Atlanta Falcons (1-3): When Mike Smith should’ve opted for the field goal on fourth down he goes for it. Then when he should go for it on fourth down he takes the 3 points. I’m DELIGHTED to have Mike Smith, Ron Rivera and Greg Schiano as the other head coaches in the NFC South. I wonder if Bill Walsh ever felt like he was in a division with school children back in the day.
Dude, I know Dusty's got a unique style of dress, but what the hell is he wearing?
16. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
15. Houston Texans (2-2): Jesus Christ, Houston; we were all rooting for you!
14. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
13. Buffalo Bills (2-2)
12. San Francisco 49ers (2-2)
11. Baltimore Ravens (2-2)
10. Tennessee Titans (3-1)
9. Miami Dolphins (3-1): I wasn't sure how far I'd drop Miami if they lost, but the WAY they lost convinced me to move them down a handful of spots. Condolences to Ralph as he drives back home with his Dolphins-loving wife in tow.
8. Kansas City Chiefs (4-0): You Chiefs fans want me to buy into the team? Hey, they’re playing well at the moment. And with the weakened AFC, they can easily make a run at a Wild Card spot. And when Goodell gets his way and makes the NFL Playoffs add two additional teams, you can root for the Chiefs to get in at 7-9 or 8-8.
7. Chicago Bears (3-1)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-1)
5. Detroit Lions (3-1): While watching the Lions-Bears game, one of the commentators said he spoke to Reggie and brought up the number of carries he got in New Orleans versus the number of carries he got in Miami. When asked if he preferred most of his touches to come via rushes, Reggie was all, "Oh, no, I don't need to rush the ball 250 times, just throw me some screens and what not, etc." I think Reggie had to see what it was like and now he's probably going to reach his potential with another dome team feeding him fewer rushes and more passes. In other news...Mark Ingram's toe applied for insurance under the Affordable Care Act. I think I'm gonna commit seppuku.
4. New England Patriots (4-0)
3. Seattle Seahawks (4-0): Wang can go "#wegotthis" all he wants, but if Seattle’s got home field advantage throughout the playoffs, I’m hiding under my bed with my dog.
2. New Orleans Saints (4-0): Pro betting tip: Don’t bet against the Saints in prime time. /Simmons’d
1. Denver Broncos (4-0): Peyton Manning is on pace to throw for 5,880 yards, 64 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. Are we sure he didn’t get illegal neck surgery in Venezuela or something? Belize? Wherever they do those whacked out surgeries that most respected doctors won’t perform because they’re using puppies and small children or something. Whatever’s keeping Keith Richards alive. Either that or Manning’s a cyborg. I could go either way.