As always, I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on whom they beat on a neutral field. Meaning: 31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, and so on...
Watching the ending of the Saints-Patriots game was like having a basketball knocked away from me while I'm dribbling it for money:
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-6): I almost put them above the Giants. Why? Because they beat the spread against the Broncos. Then I realized: I'm going to reward a team for beating a 20-something-point spread? Not on my watch.
31. New York Giants (0-6): I'm obviously disheartened by the way the Saints-Pats game ended, hence why you're getting these power rankings so damn late. That and my laziness finally caught up to me. It's like an unstoppable movie monster that always manages to catch and slay the ditzy gal with the perky breasts.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5): No, I do not have perky breasts.
29. Washington (1-4): But if there's one thing I learned from this past week's game, it's this: never leave the stadium when you're done just one score (Pats fans) and never--I repeat, NEVER--take to Facebook to rejoice in how wonderful Tom Brady's tears taste until AFTER the clock hits 0:00 (me).
28. Oakland Raiders (2-4): Any Patriots fan thinking this win proves the team is a Super Bowl needs to slow their damn roll. You had everything going for you--Graham's 0 catches, Colston getting only 1 catch, Brees having a subpar game, the officials botching calls in your favor--and your team still only managed a win on the last goddamn play from scrimmage WITH the help of a ridiculous hold.
27. Minnesota Vikings (1-4): Seriously, my level of "hate respect" for Tom Brady has always been high, but my contempt for Patriots fans after seeing so many bolt for the parking lot has reached fever pitch levels.
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-4): Speaking of rooting against a fan base, congratulations on beating the J-E-T-S FAIL-FAIL-FAIL this past weekend. 19 points, huh? You guys are back in business!
25. Buffalo Bills (2-4): Dracula cape? Check. Sinister laugh? Check. Iconic facial hair? Check. Ted DiBiase was the man:
24. Houston Texans (2-4): Booing an injury? Bad. To your own player? Even worse.
23. Atlanta Falcons (1-4): Whenever Matt Ryan goes on vacation and is asked if he'd like to check a bag, he nods, picks up the piece of luggage, looks around frantically for a few seconds, and then chucks it 5 yards in front of him.
22. New York Jets (3-3): Vaccaro better have a suplex or fallaway slam ready for Geno Smith by Week 9.
21. Carolina Panthers (2-3): Speaking of Kenny, does anyone have this nagging fear that whenever one Kenny looks good the other one performs horribly, and that the two are going to be intrinsically linked like this for the rest of their careers? No? Just me? Okay then...
20. Cleveland Browns (3-3):
19. Arizona Cardinals (3-3):
18. San Diego Chargers (3-3):
17. Tennessee Titans (3-3):
16. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3): They're teetering on going 3-7 the rest of the way. To quote Ralph: I feel it IN MY BONES.
15. St. Louis Rams (3-3): For those of who haven't read it, check out Drew Magary's takedown of Cardinals fans. The whole city wants him tried as a warlock and tossed in the Mississippi River. It's hilarious. When he pulls out his "GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO REBUILDING POLICE CORRUPTION" slam against New Orleans, does anybody here really get offended by it? We shouldn't. It's funny. And St. Louisians need to toughen the hell up and get off their holier-than-thou pedestal.
14. Baltimore Ravens (3-3):
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2): Random question: does anybody think the bye week system is incredibly messed up?
12. Dallas Cowboys (3-3): Look at the schedule. Sometimes it's just 2 teams on a bye. Others it's 4 or 6 teams. And the byes begin in Week 4 but end in Week 12?
11. Detroit Lions (4-2): Either pick 8 weeks of the year and have 4 teams on a bye each week, or spread the number of teams on bye out.
10. Green Bay Packers (3-2): What's stopping the NFL from having teams on a bye in weeks 13 and 14? That way, every team is playing the first 3 and the final 3 weeks of the season. This shouldn't be that hard.
9. Chicago Bears (4-2): A bunch of these teams are mostly interchangeable for me. I haven't really ironed out my methodology just yet, so bare with me:
8. Indianapolis Colts (4-2):
7. San Francisco 49ers (4-2):
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2):
5. New England Patriots (5-1): On a neutral field I would ABSOLUTELY take the Saints in a rematch.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (6-0):
3. New Orleans Saints (5-1):
2. Seattle Seahawks (5-1):
1. Denver Broncos (6-0): You cannot doubt the Broncos' greatness. We just can't. Hey, maybe they fail in the postseason, but in the regular season they are the kings.
Speaking of great...how great was Ted DiBiase? He could help turn a full-fledged heel into a face simply by having said heel oppose him. Observe: