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Please, Payton, Don't Hurt 'Em!

Sean Payton is just a big ol' meanie.

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

My goodness, Sean. What on earth are you doing? Now I'll never get Breesus Christ Superstar outta that bottle of Sark. When the Saints started the season 1-3 he was simply drinking the stuff. He went on a month long binge but when you guys pulled to 4-4 and had a 3 game stretch at home coming up, he put the bottle down for a bit. And you cats do this? 0-3 at home? He has now literally crawled inside the bottle and has paid a guy in advance to refill as he empties it.

He's so far gone that when I tried to get his attention by tapping on the glass to show him that picture of Scarlett Johansson in which she's laying across a bed in only a t-shirt and thong underwear with her buttcheeks mugging for the camera, he didn't even move. This from a man who is an OB/GYN and describes it as "living the dream". The poor guy is catatonic. Or pickled.

Sean, bruh, please stop. Not all Saints fans are built the same. Some can handle it and some can't. What? You think every Saints fan is as steadfast as Tommy V? Hell, even he has put a coupla bullet holes in that 52" RCA TV this season. That metal frame swivel rocker is now missing a leg. His furniture is taking an ass whooping but Tommy is still all in. And Vicki still hasn't gotten her glue gun unglued from the coffee table (don't ask) but she's still right there with you.

What do you think this is doing to "regular" Saints fans?

I already told these folks that the Saints don't do what you expect them to, but, 0-3 at home? Geesh, Sean, you're taking that a bit far. Mr. Kumbaya, who had been telling everyone that the team was gonna win the NFC Slouch with a 7-9 record wasn't even close to your intended target. He doesn't know that you're hunting for big game. You're gonna be the first 5-11 football team to win the Super Bowl. That's right. Your only victory for the remainder of the regular season will be over the Falcons who will lose their remaining games and then it's on to the playoffs and glory! Who Dat!

Or, you guys could wind up 8-8 because the Saints win 4 of their 5 remaining games with the only loss coming to the Falcons who sweep the Saints but finish with a 5-11 record themselves as that will be their only remaining victory. Mike Smith keeps his job because Atlanta swept New Orleans (Save Smitty!) and Falcons fans get to cheer "We own the Saints!" as the Saints win the Super Bowl.

Yeah, I get it. You've got big plans. You wanna shake things up. That tired old dominating 13-3 Saints team with a 500+ points offense is just so 2009/2011. Been there. Done that. You wanna do something really interesting that will make folks s*** their pants like Ambush did. What better way than to serve up the ultimate tweak by crushing everyone's hopes and dreams during the regular season and then riding off into the sunset with another Super Bowl victory as you call it quits. Cuz, well, you know. That effing midget is washed up and you're NEVER gonna get that lucky again by having a future HOF QB just drop into your lap.

So, Sean, while you're machinating your Master Plan can you please find it in your heart to take it easy on some of these fans? I mean, damn. Three straight losses at home? Could you at least space out the losses between a victory here and there?

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go tap on that bottle and try to show Breesus Christ Superstar a video of the catfight between Scarlett and Jennifer Lawrence that I mentioned a while back. If that doesn't bring him around, nothing will.