Five Players the Saints Should Never Sign

When it comes to liking or disliking players, football fans aren't exactly the picture of impartiality: they mostly love their own and hate all the others. Talent has no jersey color however and there are great players on every National Football League team. Most fans would enjoy having them on their own squad, despite the fact that they figuratively and sometimes literally despise them for playing for a rival team.

Would New York Jets fans take Tom Brady as their quarterback today and trade Geno Smith to the Patriots? I would bet a $1,000 worth of gummy worms (hey, I really like gummy worms) that they would do so in a heartbeat. Would Falcons fans (there are Falcons fans, right?) take Drew Brees over Matt Ryan in a trade today? Not many would admit so openly, for fear of being disowned in Atlanta, but in the closet many would say yes.

However, there are players - great players - I would not want playing for the team I root for: the New Orleans Saints. Why? There's only so much compromising a man can take before losing his soul. There are lines never to be crossed: You never disrespect the tomb of a Voodoo queen in New Orleans, lest you see your life slowly wither away and your skin crawl with worms within a week. Guys, you do not, I repeat DO NOT ever tell your lady friend that she looks fat in that tight red dress. This is what you say: you look awesome in that red dress, my love and you look otherworldly and gorgeous in that blue dress! Ladies, you never, and I repeat NEVER erase a Saints win (not even if it was a preseason game against the Cleveland Browns) that your man saved in the DVR, only to record an episode of The Voice. And finally, Sean and Mickey, you never allow the following players to wear the Saints Black and Gold. NEVER! Please?

Here's my top five of the current good-to-great players that I'd least like to see play for the New Orleans Saints, in increasing order of displeasure (should that ever actually happen). Argue with my choices and share yours!

1) Peyton Manning

Mandatory reaction if it ever happens:

This is a most interesting case. The former Colts and current Broncos quarterback is from New Orleans. He is somewhat of a local hero who hails from Isidore Newman High School and has gone on to become one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game. However, Manning is as frustrating as a sneeze that tickles your nose, rises slowly within your nostrils then vanishes, leaving you with that infuriating "unfinished business" feeling. A master of the regular season, the robotic Manning, more often than not, flames out in the Playoffs. With the pressure he'd have in New Orleans as the "native son" trying to bring a second Super Bowl to the Crescent City, he'd more than likely crumble miserably under the pressure. So, no thanks!

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2) Jay Cutler

Mandatory reaction if it ever happens:

Is there a more frustrating quarterback in the NFL? Maybe so, but if there is, Chicago Bears quarterback is a very close second. He frowns, bumps his offensive linemen after getting sacked, he throws the ball to his own wide receivers with less accuracy than he does the opposing team's defensive backs. Cutler has one of the strongest arms in the league and when he's on his game, he's a top-tier quarterback in the NFL. Unfortunately, Cutler being on point happens about once every blue moon. Saints already have had the grinning quarterback in their history, no need to add the pouting one.

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3) Antonio Cromartie

Mandatory reaction if it ever happens:

Is Cromartie really a great player? I may be reaching a little bit here, but there is no doubt about the fact that he is a very, very good player. The thing about not wanting him with the Saints is: there are already many single-moms with a lot of kids in New Orleans and to be blunt, we're trying to reduce that number, not increase it. Cromartie has reportedly fathered 12 children (and counting, the man is only 30 years old after all) with eight different women. Although that is quite an impressive display of vigor and stamina, one has to wonder whether someone shouldn't simply perform "the procedure" on him in his sleep one night. On a football-related note, Cromartie is also known to "Asante Samuel" a lot of tackles (see "tries to avoid tackling at all costs") and not give 100% effort on every play. Could it be because there's just not much energy left in him after all that extra-curricular conditioning he does off the field? We'll pass.

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4) Ray Rice

Mandatory reaction if it ever happens:

Without the diminutive yet talented running back, the Baltimore Ravens wouldn't have won Super Bowl XLVII. In week 12 of the 2012 season against the San Diego Chargers, Rice converted an impossible 4^th and 29 that catapulted his team to victory, one that was crucial to their playoff run and eventual championship win. But rice has other talents: in one motion, he can punch you, drag you unconscious out on an elevator then quickly marry you a few days later to make it all look better (just ask his now-wife Janay Palmer). Oh and a few days after that, he'll come on TV and say something to the effect of "it's not about getting punched and falling down, it's about how you get up." Hmmm, let me guess: Rice's P.R. representatives probably also work for former LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling. I say let's never see this gutless guy punch anyone and drag them out of a Harrah's Casino elevator ok? What say you?

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5) Roddy White

Mandatory reaction if it ever happens:

Since the arrival of quarterback Matt Ryan in Atlanta, the buoyant wide receiver has been a great player for the Falcons. He's also been a "dumb quotes" machine. When he wasn't saying inappropriate things about the Penn State child rape scandal, he was asking the jury in the George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin scandal to "go home and kill themselves". Oh and of course, White has put his gigantic foot in his mouth more than once about New Orleans. Prior to a game against the Saints in 2012, White tweeted the following about New Orleans: "The grace of god gave them tht championship so that city wouldn fall apart now and now they think they hot s*** in my chad voice child please." A useless and stupid veiled reference to Katrina and the Saints Super Bowl win in 2009.

So when White starts chasing rings (because everyone knows he isn't ever going to win one in Atlanta), let's never have it be in Black and Gold. Thank you!