ESPN executives are furious about the fact that the Saints and the Lions will be playing on their network tonight on Monday Night Football, particularly after the Saints just were eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday.
"Honestly, we prefer to pretend that those . . . what are they called . . . small market teams don't exist," an ESPN representative said Sunday night. "We give them the occasional freebie, sure, but the real action in primetime comes from the NFC East. It doesn't matter if the Cowboys are playing Jerry Jones's corpse at QB or if RGIII has to fend off defenders with his mangled leg, the fact is those are the games that people tune into."
The executive would go on to talk about the condition of the two teams playing tomorrow. "Honestly, who do the Saints and the Lions even have? Best case scenario, we get to watch Drew Brees break some kind of crazy obscure record. Second to best case, we get to watch Jim Caldwell not react to another automatic first down that the Saints' defense gives up."
The powers that be aren't going to lose an opportunity to make money, however. They still intend to pump the game up like anyone cares, and use the names of players like Drew Brees and Calvin Johnson to make sure that people watch. One unnamed representative even said that he'd make Brees throw to Johnson, if that's what it takes. "I work for ESPN, you think I care about team?"
The company has stated that they plan to exploit tragedy in New Orleans and a defunct Detroit economy to spice up the matchup.
"Can you think of a more compelling storyline than death and bankruptcy?" an unnamed executive told me. "Because I most certainly can't."
It's just good to know that they're sticking to their morals.
"Seriously, thank god we have the Broncos and Bengals competing for their seeds next week, or we might have had to f**k Detroit again this week just to watch what happened," ESPN said. "That's kind of become a past time of ours anyways, and we might do it regardless just to see what happens, but it should really be done only out of need."
The game will start at 8:25 tonight, and fans will start drinking at approximately 3:30 to prepare for their familial interactions this week in addition to the football game that they're about to witness.