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Roger Goodell Suspends Drew Brees, Sean Payton for Tom Brady, Patriots DeflateGate Scandal

Despite any involvement with the Patriots organization whatsoever, Saints head coach Sean Payton and quarterback Drew Brees have both been suspended four games by the NFL as punishment for the DeflateGate controversy. (Obviously, this is satire...)

Less than a week after Ted Wells released his 243-page DeflateGate report concluding that it was "more probable than not" that Patriots personnel tried to break the rules, and that Tom Brady was likely aware of the practice of deflating balls, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and the league have finally handed down punishments.

The commissioner addressed the media during a press conference in New York Monday afternoon, where it was revealed Patriots quarterback Tom Brady would not receive any fines or face any suspension despite his alleged involvement. No members of the Patriots personnel will face punishment either.

In a bizarre yet unsurprising twist of fate, however, it was announced Saints head coach Sean Payton and quarterback Drew Brees will both be suspended for the first 4 games of the 2015 NFL season for conduct detrimental to the integrity of the NFL.

"Based on the findings of Ted Wells' investigation and the fact that Sean Payton and Drew Brees were not cleared of any wrongdoing in the report, it is more than likely that they both probably knew about the Patriots deflating footballs just prior to the the AFC Championship game," Goodell stated.

Neither Payton or Brees were available for comment at the time of this publication.

"Both parties have vehemently denied any knowledge or participation in the AFC Championship Game when questioned but ignorance is no excuse when it comes to protecting the shield," Goodell continued.

An appeal from Payton, Brees, and the Saints will likely be coming soon.