Alright, let me start this piece the right way: you know, the way you're supposed to play the game. This is a piece mostly written in jest. I know y'all are out there, the "crucial information or nothing" no fun police. I know you're wondering why I'm not talking about the OTAs and that fifth string wide receiver from Chattanooga Tech Learning College that looks like he could be a dark horse to make the practice squad in 2015.
Well here's why: there are more important things, yes there are. Like, how about we make fun of our NFC South rivals a little bit? There was a time when sports were for fun. They called sport "the games." So I'll be damned if I'm not taking it a bit less seriously here as we just hit the month of June and before all you're going to want to hear about is the fifth string offensive guard from Tuscaloosa Regional District School of Carpentry.
Today, we are making fun of our friends the Carolina Panthers. Here are three reasons why not only do I kinda dislike the Panthers, I find them incredibly funny. As in, I enjoy laughing at them.
1. Panthers Won the Super Bowl in 2014.
You know how it is: we hate winners. You know how the Panthers and their fans hated the Saints for winning the Lombardi in 2009? Well, we hate them for winning the Super Bowl in 2014. I mean who would have thought that Cam "Towel Head" Newton (I'll come back to him later) would win a Super Bowl before "Malty Ice" from Atlanta? I mean how did they accomplish that? I remember how the Saints demolished them in Carolina earlier in the year. Ok, sure they finished the year by winning a bunch of games but the...
Wait what? Oh it was just one playoff game??? But, the last time I was on Cat Scratch Reader they were celebrating like they had won it all! Oh my bad. What did they win then? The NFC South with a 7-8-1 record? Oh great guys, congratulations. Here's a ring for ya.
2. Their Owner Always Looks Angry
Alright yes, this is the pot criticizing the kettle a bit here. As Saints fans, we know our owner has...ahem, some issues related to old age. But may I remind you that one day, we will all face these problems if we live long enough? So let's not make fun of old people here ok? But despite his recent health ailments, Tom Benson at least has shown a bunch of expressions and has actually become somewhat of a likable figure. Don't believe me? Here are a few images of Tom Benson showing his range of emotions:
Here's Benson being excited!
Here's Benson being happy!
Here's Benson being angry!
Is that even anger? Truly, I can't tell. The man is mild-mannered and affable. But let's now take a look at good ol' Jerry Richardson. If there ever was a man who defined "Angry Resting Face" (is there such a thing?) well, Jerry is that man.
Here's Richardson being excited!
Here's Richardson being happy!
Alright, I'd probably look angry all the time too if my team never won a Super Bowl. Hey at least they won the NFC South two times in row. Yay, it's ok to smile a little bit, Jerry!
3. Cam "Towel Head" Newton
If this was a drop bored serious article, I'd talk about how Cam still can only hit the broadside of a barn five times out of ten. Okay maybe six times. I would talk about his high elbow quirky throwing motion or how he needs to run less so he'd take less hits. But nope, what I'm interested in today is how Newton will be remembered as a quarterback in the NFL, because, who are we kidding? We all know he's never winning a Super Bowl.
So Newton started a movement that has revolutionized the use of towels in the United States. Before Cam, towels were used for taking a bath, going to the beach and other things of that nature. But since Cam came around, "toweling" has now become a thing. In our fashion trend culture, everyone followed suit. Here are a few examples.
The original toweling: Cam Newton
The toweling frenzy has reached parts of Asia.
Here's Richard Williams, the father of famed tennis stars Serena and Venus Williams, paying homage to Cam by toweling at Wimbledon.
Oh yeah and dog lovers (probably Carolina fans) are now doing it too.
So even if Cam Newton will not be remembered for hoisting a Lombardi trophy, at least he has impacted the world in much more profound ways and on a global scale. We are forever grateful to you, Cam.
Bonus: They Have Old Man Harper!
I almost forgot: even though this article is making fun of the Carolina Panthers, let's all thank them Saints fans. Because how can we forget that they decided that it was a great idea to sign the former Saints safety known as "Old Man Harper?"
As Saints fans, how could we ever forget that day when Sam Bradford (yes, that Sam Bradford) ran down Harper after he had recovered a fumble and could've returned it for a touchdown? Well, we can't forget it and thanks to the interwebs, we never will. Thank you, Panthers.
So like the Americans have the French, the French have the Belgians and big brothers have little brothers, the New Orleans Saints have the Carolina Panthers. Lil' bro will win some here and there, but over the long haul, big bro will always have the upper hand and make fun of the little guy. And guess what? There's nothing little kitty can do about it.
Next week in our NFC South Trash Talk series, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.