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2017 NFL Schmo Bowl

With the playoffs on the horizon, there remains an oft forgotten contest set to determine the schmoiest of the NFL schmoes.

NFL: Houston Texans at Denver Broncos Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines a schmo (n) thusly -

An ordinary person who is not interesting or unusual in any way.

Tee and QDD are back with the second year of selections for the NFL Schmo Bowl! This time we’re really separating the chaff from the wheat, and there’s a whole lotta fresh new schmoes from which to draw. We only hope the chaff won’t chafe too badly.

As with our first iteration of this series, we’re doing an AFC/NFC split, old school style. Last year Billy Manziel served as the kicker for both squads, however this year we’ll each pick a kicker to best (read: worst) represent our teams. Instead, we’ve decided to elect Jeff Swisher (or whatever his name is) to coach both teams, simultaneously.

We hear he’s got plenty of time these days.

So, without further ado, here are your squads for the 2017 NFL Schmo Bowl-


Brock Osweiler comes face-to-face with yet another Manning face in Eli. Chris Ivory and Matt Jones lead their respective backfields as the “oh yeah, those guys were pretty good last season but wth happened to them this year?” RBs. Rookie Devontae Booker (I’m sure he’ll be fine after his rookie season) and Matt “my last name sounds like a type of bagel” Asiata shore up the run game.

Either WR corps is comprised solely of guys who mutually own the distinction of once having been owned for a week in fantasy football. Except, probably, for Jordan Norwood. I know of no being, man or beast, who had Norwood for any stretch of time.

The TEs are both quite ‘meh’ and, as is tradition, either offensive line is truly offensive.

Fun wrinkle: Cameron Erving stands alone as the only man to be elected to two consecutive Schmo Bowls.

We’ll get into (and through and around and over and under) the defenses in our follow-up Schmo Bowl recap post.

The AFC squads sending multiple players are led by the Indianapolis Colts with 5, followed by the Cincinnati Bengals, Denver Broncos, and Jacksonville Jaguars with 3 apiece. The Houston Texans and Buffalo Bills are each sending 2 schmoes.

On the NFC side, there’s somewhat more parity with the Arizona Cardinals and Tampa Bay Buccaneers sending 3 players apiece. The remaining teams with 2 players represented are the New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, Washington Redskins, Philadelphia Eagles, San Francisco 49ers, Los Angeles Rams, and the Atlanta Falcons.

Key Game Information

As with last year, this year’s game is being held on the campus of the team with the worst 2016 regular season record from the FCS Ohio Valley Conference. Presumably vying to host the Schmo Bowl for a second consecutive year, Austin Peay State University went winless again this year (0-11). In fact, the Governors - as they’re known colloquially - are legit 1-45 over the past 4 seasons.

What better site than the campus at Clarksville, Tennessee to host such a venerable occasion? Unfortunately, we’ve been informed that the main campus quad has been booked already by the school theater society improvisation club’s reenactment of the “Stampede in the Gorge” scene from The Lion King. As such, the finance department has agreed to spare their parking lot for the event.

This, despite their apparent misgivings about the $72 million contract donation the Houston Texans gave Brock Osweiler this past offseason. Bless their hearts.

Stay tuned for our 2017 Schmo Bowl recap!