The Merriam Webster dictionary defines a schmo (n) thusly -
An ordinary person who is not interesting or unusual in any way.
Incidentally, MW also adds "JERK" as a slang alternative definition. Well, while Tee and myself have painstakingly gone through and found the schmoiest of the schmoes in the NFL from this season, we took some liberties with the 'ordinary' aspect of the definition - instead opting for the special.
As in, a special kind of bad.
While some of these guys are also jerks, whether documented or in private, we're not really at liberty to judge them in that manner. Plus, ESPN, Football Outsiders, and Pro Football Focus, the sources from whom these rankings were partly derived, do not have statistics that advanced. At least not at this point in time.
Do you recall a few years back when former Gamecocks coach and certifiable lummox Steve Spurrier suggested that Alabama could beat some NFL teams? Well, most of us collectively winced. There is nary a team in the league that any of Nick Saban's teams, past or present, would beat. The pundits pretty much uniformly agreed; no way would that happen.
Well, with these Schmo Bowl rosters, I'm inclined to think that there are at least like 5 or 6 NCAAF teams that would stand a chance. And, hey, this may seem mean, but I'm a firm believer in character building; what better way to build the character of these fine lads than to tell them "Congratulations! You were among the worst eligible players at your position!"
Before we get into the rosters, a few caveats. Players were vetted using a combination of ESPN and Pro Football Focus player rankings, each of whom have eligibility criteria relating to snaps played. Basically, if these guys were assigned a rank by those organizations, they met the criteria for inclusion. Bench and practice squad players, likely no better than these guys who played a lot, simply did not qualify because they couldn't be adequately judged.
Tee and I elected for a good ol' fashioned NFC vs AFC showdown to avoid the senselessness of a draft. Tee chose the NFC and I took the AFC. We also chose head coaches for our respective squads.
And, without further ado...
5 Chargers and 4 Dolphins make the AFC squad and, candidate for the best, most apt name in the NFL, LaAdrian Waddle, represents the Patriots via the Lions. For the QB honors, Ryan Mallett narrowly edged out fellow former Brady disciple Brian Hoyer. The CB situation is also atrocious. Jamarcus Russell will definitelyhave his hands full with this squad. Waddle, naturally, is the team captain.
On the NFC side, with exception to Packers tackle Dan Barclay, the offensive line is truly offensive - comprised entirely of Rams and 49ers players. Another Brady understudy, Matt Cassell, is calling signals for Ryan Leaf's squad with a medley of NFC Easters playing on the defensive side of the ball. Brandon Browner, we have learned, has been named the team captain.
As for special teams, well, Billy Manziel is the all-time kicker and punter.
Key Game Information
As is tradition, the game will be held at 4 am in the main campus quad of the worst team from the NCAA FCS (I-AA) Ohio Valley Conference. This year, 2015's winless Austin Peay State University in Clarksville, Tennessee gets the tremendous honor - We only hope Ryan Mallett doesn't miss the bus.