The 2018 season ended very quietly as the New England Patriots are once again Super Bowl Champions. Their victory over the Los Angeles Rams brought a wave of petty that the NFL hasn’t seen in some time, and just two weeks prior was the genesis of it all. The days of complaining and spewing rage are over for now. Carrying the torch from here will be rage’s best friend once anger settles — petty.
We’re all petty about something in life. We just can’t help ourselves sometimes, and whether it’s immature or not is your problem. As a “professional” however the lines are more clear. Having a job or a career basically means at some point you’ll have to eat sh*t and like the taste of it. That’s right! And if it isn’t, go up to your boss or CEO tomorrow and tell them your most genuine feelings about their existence. Unless you’re Stone Cold Steve Austin, odds are things will not go in your favor.
There is a little wiggle room however, for when you can purposely act vigorously out of character and not be held responsible or subject to punishment:
- An all-time mistake made that costs you a trip to the biggest event your company has to offer that can change the rest of your family’s life.
- Your most prized asset is tampered with repeatedly in efforts by both for a change of scenery....
- A family tragedy.
- A physical accident of some sorts.
- You’re really good at your job.
Let’s pick number one in this case for......good measure. Now imagine after this failure your CEO is ducking you left and right as if they owes you money. And if an apology is what you’re looking for —you’re not getting it.
Once again we know the story and ending of the 2018 New Orleans Saints, so no need to drag you through it again. Instead, we look forward a bit to a season that should bring revenge tour unlike any other, featuring a level of petty that doesn’t just occasionally arrive. We’re talking something petty for EVERY SINGLE OPPONENT. Here’s how it should look, but first here’s a prelude of sorts as the Saints have already started to show plenty of what next year should consist of.
Here’s Cam Jordan at the Pro-Bowl wearing one fantastic shirt:
And here’s Sean Payton wearing another:
Oh please tell me that is the shirt Sean Payton has on underneath. pic.twitter.com/3kjFwJMfB7— John Hendrix (@JohnJHendrix) January 30, 2019
Were you interested in Micheal Thomas’ super bowl day plans?
Ahh that’s right.
Leftover Gumbo— Michael Thomas (@Cantguardmike) February 4, 2019
Drew made an appearance, any words?
Drew Brees looks dead inside. Can’t blame him. pic.twitter.com/S4Np6kHkIx— Barstool Sports (@barstooltweetss) February 1, 2019
And last but not least here’s the city of New Orleans pre-gaming for Mardi Gras?
Video: Thousands of Saints fans second-line through downtown in a massive display of festive anger. pic.twitter.com/CK5Nedxnr7— Michael DeMocker (@MichaelDeMocker) February 3, 2019
Nonetheless, New Orleans as a whole chimed in for quite the array of petty signatures. But why end it with the 2018 season? What if they continued behaving in this nature all season, with a theme for every 2019 opponent?
Say no more fam, we got you.
Atlanta Falcons: (Twice)
Mercedes Benz Everything
Nothing makes the soul more happy for a Saints fan than a good ole “28-3” joke. But that’s too predictable, it’s time to switch things up. One irritating tab in the Saints-Falcons rivalry is the fact that the two franchises share the same venue naming rights. One may be called a “stadium” while the other is the “Superdome” but they both share the Mercedes-Benz name.
What’s a better way to show up your rival than to let them know that even their home-field is unique. Since the Saints had the naming rights first it’s right that they make the Falcons seem as carbon copies. Have every Saints employee drive, wear, and mention Mercedes-Benz every opportunity they can during the week leading up to each game.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: (twice)
Old times don’t die with new hats.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers recently hired former Arizona Cardinals Coach Bruce Arians back in January. There’s not much bad to say about Arians as he really is known to be a good football coach. But Lovie Smith was thought to be as well. Once again the Bucs will probably be everyone’s sleeper team in the NFC South as most will try to predict another turnaround. The Saints should use both of their meetings to remind them of their past.
Wear Orange Kangol hats.
Tampa has a Super Bowl championship and will still always be traced back to their rough beginnings. Those days were served with Tampa Bay brandishing bright orange uniforms that are forever linked to their most trying times. Similar to the Tampa’s now alternate jersey Bruce Arians and a Kangol hat will always be linked. Some even think he’s a diva for it. Either way, Orange Kangol hats can symbolize that no matter the change in coach, the culture and history still remains. Just hope they don’t show up with paper bags over their head in response.
Carolina Panthers: (twice)
The Panthers-Saints petty needs no introduction as Cam Jordan and Cam Newton have us covered.
Brooms and wine you say?
Throw a wine and cheese party and introduce a new vino which comes in a broom designed bottle before the game. Leave it up to Cam for if he invites Mr. Newton or not. Whatever is decided, let’s just make sure Arsenio Hall doesn’t sneak in.
Arizona Cardinals: (Home)
Have the entire secondary wear customized Patrick Peterson Saints jerseys.
Last season at the trading deadline the Saints were in need for a cornerback to go on the other side of Marshon Lattimore. Many including hall of famer Deion Sanders thought the perfect match was Cardinals star Patrick Peterson.
Deion Sanders: Saints should trade for Patrick Peterson https://t.co/BAZyK0fbUh— TheSaintsWire (@TheSaintsWire) October 10, 2018
Turns out even Peterson thought so.
In the end New Orleans however ended up with former New York Giants first round pick Eli Apple to the chagrin of many. Apple responded with a solid second half of the season in what looks like a good and much cheaper investment for NOLA. The secondary however should use their match-up with AZ to show that a secondary is about a lot more than one man.
Chicago Bears: (Away)
Make Wil Lutz a one game team captain.
If Chicago Bears kicker Cody Parkey was able to connect on a (partially blocked) 43-yard field goal in a Wildcard matchup versus the Eagles the NFC playoffs would have looked dramatically different. But as history would have it, Parkey hit the left goal post to the despair of a Soldier Field crowd and Bears fans around the country.
Similar to the fallout of the NFC Championship game for the Saints, Chicago won’t forget that faithful night easy. And unfortunately for the Bears the Saints shouldn’t either. Making Wil Lutz a captain for the Bears game can symbolize to Chicago what an accurate and trustworthy kicker can look like.
Dallas Cowboys: (Home)
Saints don’t make good sheriffs
Now THIS would be fun.
There’s a proper argument for Sean Payton’s middle name being “petty”. We discussed a particular shirt he more than likely wore after the Saints NFC championship game loss. I’m sure we all remember the game where he seemed to purposely want to embarrass former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. When you consider the ever rising dislike Payton has for commissioner Roger Goodell, no act of troll should be out of the question. But this one isn’t about Roger, it’s about the Dallas Cowboys.
Every since the Saints won the super bowl in 2009 there has been a consistent attachment to the thought or “plan” of Sean Payton leaving New Orleans to return to one of the places he once was an offensive coordinator — the Dallas Cowboys. Whether this is targeting Payton having a home in Texas or the persistence of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, the rumors always find a way to resurface.
When Jerry Jones vaguely refers to a coaching opportunity possibly arising next week, is he hinting that he may finally make a run at Sean Payton? https://t.co/bL91yMe3a8— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) January 16, 2019
Similar to when Payton is calling an offensive play, he has eyes and ears everywhere. You can bet your bottom dollar he’s heard the rumors and wouldn’t mind openly addressing them. What better time to address them than when the Cowboys come to town in what should be a prime time game. Payton showing up in a Saints accessorized cowboy hat would be the perfect rebuttal to anyone questioning his longterm loyalty to New Orleans. Saddle up!
Tennessee Titans: (Away)
Have Alvin Kamara show up in his Alabama college jersey.
Mark Ingram was the one I originally wanted to choose, but due to Ingram’s contract status Kamara was the safer choice. And when considering Kamara’s brief status at Alabama and his rise at the university of Tennessee it would make for the more compelling troll. The Titans currently have another former Alabama running back of their own in Derrick Henry who was on the same future NFL bound running back depth chart that was the 2013 Crimson Tide.
Incredible to consider: in 2013, Alabama’s running back depth chart included Alvin Kamara, Kenyan Drake, Derrick Henry and T.J. Yeldon.— Field Yates (@FieldYates) December 12, 2017
Kamara’s departure eventually led him to Tennessee where NFL scouts fell in love with the plethora of abilities Alvin showcased on a limited workload. For a kid that couldn’t figure out things at Alabama, Kamara has surpassed every one of his colleagues at the next level. AK wearing his bama jersey would be the perfect message in regards to the past not controlling your present. It could also be an extra swipe at many live in attendance who watched Kamara live a little bit over two years ago.
Houston Texans: (Home)
Mic up Ryan Ramczyk, have him formally introduce himself to J.J. Watt
In a late 2015 meeting against the Texans in Houston the Saints were in bad shape. The Texans were on their way to the playoffs led by their defense and J.J Watt. There was arguably no defensive player in football more dominate at the time than Watt, and he let you know about it. In the match-up against the Saints Watt sacked Drew Brees twice and finished with eight quarterback hits while letting current Saints radio play by play radio broadcaster and former right tackle Zach Strief that a replacement was badly needed at his position.
The Saints were able to find the perfect replacement in current tackle Ryan Ramczyk so at least they took his advice. Four years later since the last meeting Ramczyk should formally introduce himself to Watt with a barrage of verbal insults for every time Watt is stonewalled. Just a reminder that all things aren’t forgotten and karma doesn’t have an expiration date.
Seattle Seahawks: (Away)
Give Max Unger the ball at the one-yard line.
When the Saints traded Jimmy Graham to the Seahawks for Max Unger and a first round pick many thought the Seahawks had cashed their chips towards another super-bowl appearance. What later unveiled was the overall breakdown of the Seahawks’ core and leadership shortly afterwards.
Graham could not find the chemistry with Russell Wilson that he famously captured with Drew Brees as he failed to catch over 65 passes, gain 1,000 yards, and only totaled ten touchdowns once in his injury scattered three years in Seattle. Meanwhile Unger has been a healthy constant for New Orleans only missing one game in four seasons to go with four total penalties. Unger was also selected to his third pro-bowl this past season. In his return to Seattle it’s only right the Saints give him the ball at the one yard line, something that they should have given to a former all-pro running back of theirs. The Saints know all about him.
San Francisco 49ers: (Home)
Have Micheal Thomas do the “Arms Raised” Jerry Rice touchdown celebration.
Former 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice didn’t celebrate often, but as a receiver just handing the ball to the referee is off brand. Rice’s signature soon came to be a track runner’s type finish line pose as Rice crossed the goal-line. After already paying homage to Saints great Joe Horn last season Thomas should turn his attention to the best ever. A Jerry Rice style finish could be one of the finishing touches on his campaign to show the world and cement his status as the game’s best receiver. Now if only Antonio Brown could be in attendance.
Jacksonville Jaguars: (Away)
Quarterbacks for hire.
The Blake Bortles days in Jacksonville finally appear to be over. So what now? Will the Jaguars draft a QB? Will they go and acquire a veteran like an Eli Manning or Nick Foles? No one knows, but there’s always the option that Saints free agent to be Teddy Bridgewater could be in their plans.
Either way, Jacksonville won’t have an easy decision in regards to finding their signal caller in hopes of getting back to the playoffs. The Saints sponsoring their backup like a craigslist ad for Jacksonville could be beyond hilarious even if it ultimately becomes Bridgewater. Let’s just remember to protect Drew for this game.
Indianapolis Colts: (Home)
Have Peyton Manning on the sideline.
In many people’s eyes Colts versus Saints will forever be a Manning bowl as both Peyton and his father Archie Manning have excellent legacies good and bad with their respective teams. Peyton however produced several winning seasons and brought a super bowl to go with a stadium to Indy.
He currently has a guy in Andrew Luck trying duplicate if not surpass all of those accomplishes as he’s finally healthy again and finshed last season producing at an MVP level. Having a New Orleans born Peyton on the Saints sidelines would have to irk a few eventually in an effort to show the Colts no matter how much they improve they have one standard to reach and it’s much further than everybody would think.
Los Angeles Rams: (Away)
Have every employee wear referee shirts with the number three on them.
Last but not least we arrive to the game that this petty/revenge tour is all about. In essence every exhibition against Saints opponents are technically shots towards the Rams. While the Rams are probably more innocent bystanders than hated villains they did themselves no favors after their NFC Championship square off. No need for a breakdown, once again we all know what happened here.
Nickell Robey-Coleman isn't sweating the non-call in the Rams-Saints game pic.twitter.com/BVZq7hjhii— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) January 28, 2019
When all is said and done the Rams were victorious but weren’t able to take advantage overall and become super bowl champions. That enough should annoy Los Angeles more than any display the Saints can present. But a reminder of how they got to the game with the number of points they scored attached is the perfect ending to a tour the Saints hope will last a lot longer than just the regular season.
You may think the act of being petty is immature or childish, or maybe you think it’s truth disguised in spite. Either way it’s necessary in the world we live in. The 2019 New Orleans Saints won’t need props to show their scars just like the 2018 Saints didn’t. But you can be rest assured that they aren’t done with putting their camera lenses on the NFL and it’s supporting acts. If they do, we just hope they consider our guide first.