Immediately following Sunday's 41-10 skulldragging of the New Orleans Saints in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, Saints defensive coordinator Rob Ryan found himself in an extremely uncomfortable situation. As Ryan left the field, he was approached by two "independent contractors" who were representing the interest of one Ms. Mae's, a local favorite dive bar in New Orleans. Mr. Ryan had accrued a considerable debt with the establishment over the past 22 months and after Sunday's horrific display, Ms. Mae's management has decided to rescind its courtesy and goodwill with him.
Noted glutton and cheap beer connoisseur, Rob Ryan, has been quite the frequent client at this establishment since his arrival in the Crescent City in early 2013. His running tab at time of collection has totaled an astounding $43,210.48 before compounded interest. Ryan's initial success with the Saints gave him carte blanche at Ms. Mae's, allowing his tab to balloon as much as his waistline.
Rob Ryan was approached by two "unpleasant looking men", a robust man claiming to be "Big Lou" and his skittish counterpart that he referred to as "Crazy Tommy." The brief confrontation left Ryan visibly shaken and flustered. Onlookers overheard some of the confrontation and recorded the following on a smartphone:
Big Lou: Party's over, Big Rob. You've had your fun but it's time to settle up.
Rob Ryan: Whoa, hey guys, uh, you know I'm good for it.
BL: You knew the deal, dude, keep the wins coming and everything's cool. Start with the embarrassing defense again, and it's game over for happy hour.
FFRR: Oh man, c'mon, uh, it's been a rough stretch, that's all...
BL: Rough stretch? Rough stretch!? You hear this Tommy?
Crazy Tommy: Rough stretch he says. You're the one in for a rough stretch, tubby!
BL: Mae's wants their money, Rob. Over $43k, and we're here to collect.
FFRR: Well, I don't have it on me right now, but uh, I can get it, I just need a little time.
BL: My client is short on three things: time, patience, and your money, so let's cut the nonsense.
CT: Did you say cut, Lou?!!!
BL: Not yet, Tommy!
BL: Look, Rob, I like you, you're a funny guy. When you do that "Truffle Shuffle" after you get hammered on Rolling Rocks...
CT: Oh man, that's the best!
BL: Yeah, I love that. But just 'cause I like you don't mean I won't kneecap you. You've got two weeks to pay your debt, plus the customary 20% of course.
BL: Yeah, you know, late fee, finder's fee, collector's fee, replacing my baseball bat after snapping your femur fee.
FFRR: Forget I asked.
BL: Now, we get that you'll be run out of town before New Year's, but don't even think about skipping town without paying us.
CT: Pay us, get square with the bar, and you'll get to leave New Orleans without the help of a wheelchair.
FFRR: I'll pay, I'll pay, I swear!
BL: I know you will, but we're gonna need some collateral in the meantime. Gimme your car keys.
FFRR: Oh no, not my sweet-a** van!
BL: The keys. Now.
FFRR: On man, I've gotta walk home, no one in this place is gonna give me a ride home.
CT: Not our problem, hand 'em over.
FFRR: Alright here you go, but don't get a scratch on her! And don't mind all the bottles and cans in there, uh, that's for recycling.
BL: Alright then, two weeks. And by the way, how the hell do you rack up a $43k bar tab anyway?
FFRR: Well, I like beer.
BL: Fair enough. See you in two weeks, and don't show your face in Mae's before then!
FFRR: Wait, guys! Either of you ever play defense?!?!
Time may be running out for Rob Ryan in more ways than we realize. Rob Ryan was, not long ago, the toast of the town and the hero of New Orleans. Now he may just be toast. We'll have to wait and see how this story develops.
*The following was clearly satire, as we need to laugh to keep from crying this season.*